“I have the perfect person for you! Are you open to being set up?”
If you’re a single adult in the Christian church, you’ve probably been approached by any number of well-meaning married folk who are convinced that their grandson or their coworker or their niece or their next-door neighbor is the one for you.
I know the feeling. For a couple years, I was the only single adult in my small church. I could barely get through a Sunday without someone asking me if they could give my number to this great guy they knew. (To which I always replied, Uh…can you at least tell me his name first?)
I felt incredibly singled-out (no pun intended). Everyone—and I mean everyone—seemed determined to find me a husband. And don’t get me wrong, I know their hearts were in the right place. These were all people who loved me, acting out of genuine care for me.
But at some point I started getting frustrated. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate what they were trying to do. It’s not even that I was opposed to being set up. What bothered me was the realization that they were looking at my singleness as a problem to solve.
Singleness Isn’t Something to Fix
The root of the issue is that much of the Church views singleness as a transient stage. Therefore, the standard platitude for single people becomes, This is just a season, or, You’ll find your person when you least expect it. According to this mindset, being single is really just about getting un-single as quickly as possible.
But singleness isn’t a problem to solve. And well-meaning people often miss the harmful effects of these kinds of messages. Messages that presume you’re unhappy or discontent if you’re not married. Messages that presume everyone even wants to be married in the first place. Messages that say, You’re single now, but don’t worry, your day will come—and when it does, your life will finally reach its full value.
The Apostle Paul has a lot to say about the value of the single life.
I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please Him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. – 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NLT
Paul’s intention in these verses is not to pit marriage and singleness against each other, nor is it to argue one is better than the other. There are many benefits the single person has that the married person doesn’t, and vice versa. The point is that both are worthy callings. Both present unique, yet equally valuable, opportunities to honor and serve the Lord.
Even if you ultimately desire marriage, singleness isn’t a season to rush through to get to the better thing. Singleness is a gift. It’s a time to devote your heart and mind to the Lord as much as you possibly can while you have the freedom to do so. It’s a time to learn independence. It’s a time to invest in hobbies, in family and friendships, in your career.
Singles Groups (or Pre-Marriage groups?)
It seems like the most obvious way to care for single adults in the Church is to create more singles groups…right? Lots of churches offer these groups, some gender-specific, others co-ed. But many of them are led by married couples and focus primarily on preparing members for marriage, and not much else.
This model perpetuates the idea that single people are lacking something fundamental until they’ve found their spouse. It minimizes what they as individuals bring to the table—the talents, skills, and callings God has uniquely equipped them to serve His Kingdom with.
We Need a Better Model
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with single people who desire marriage preparing for that season, and they should absolutely be given opportunity and space within the church to do so.
But that shouldn’t be the only way the Church cares for its single members. The church should be intentionally fostering diverse communities of believers that celebrate individual members for who and where they are, not where they might eventually end up.
Of course, we can’t discount the importance of being in community with people who are in the same stage of life as we are. Married couples need other married couples. Single people need other single people. We need friends who can speak into the exact season we’re in because they’re in the same one.
But as the body of Christ, we all need each other. “All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it” (1 Corinthians 12:27 NLT).
Young adults need the wisdom and counsel of older adults who have seen more life. We need people to celebrate with us and people to grieve with us. We need spiritual mentors. We need friendships that span ages and stages of life. We need familial relationships. And yes, we need romantic relationships, too!
A lack in any one of these areas doesn’t make us less than. It just opens up the opportunity to connect more deeply with the body that we—whether married or single, old or young, man or woman—are an essential part of. “Our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where He wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you.’ The head can’t say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you’” (1 Corinthians 12:18-21 NLT).
How strange the body of Christ would be if everyone in it looked exactly the same!
Joy and Contentment No Matter What
I’m so grateful to be surrounded by beautiful examples of biblical marriage. I’m also grateful to have people in my life who care about my happiness and my future. They’ve found their person and they just want the same for me. They want me to experience the joy and fulfillment that come from a true God-honoring marriage.
But I don’t want people to feel like the only way they can relate to me is by trying to find me a spouse. I want them to relate to me because we have the same hobby or because we’re from the same town or because we both really love that one band or because we discovered God is teaching us both the same lesson in the same season.
Do I want to be married eventually? Absolutely. God knows that. He knows the deepest desires of my heart and I have faith that, as long as they’re in line with His will, He’ll give them to me. But until that day comes, I want people (and the Church) to know that I’m already happy. I’m already content. I’m already complete in Christ, lacking nothing.
So thank you, I love you—but stop trying to set me up.
