As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. – 1 Samuel 18:1-3 ESV
I’ve known my best friend for 20 years. We’ve walked with each other through every stage of life—awkward elementary and middle schoolers, angsty high schoolers, overwhelmed college students wrestling with their futures, and now adults trying to make sense of the world. We’ve shared heartbreak, joy, confusion, anger, and everything in between. She tells me like it is, even when I don’t want to hear it. She points me back to Christ when I start to drift, and I do the same for her. There is very little (if anything) we keep from each other. We often joke that we’re “platonic soulmates.”
Different Types of Love
Whether we consciously realize it or not, many of us would tend to rank the different types of love in order of their importance to and relevance in our lives. Romantic love is often the most highly prioritized, followed by familial love, and then platonic love (or philia) comes in at the bottom of the list. We may even view friendships as something we could take or leave, not crucial to our flourishing as long as we have romantic and familial love.
But in our increasingly disconnected, surface-level world, the power and importance of deep platonic love cannot be overstated. This type of love brings something different to the table than familial love (which is, to a certain extent, obligational) or romantic love. The Bible is full of references to friendship and what it adds to our lives (Proverbs 17:17, 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; John 15:13; Romans 1:1-12). The friendship between King David and Jonathan, found in the books of 1 and 2 Samuel, is one of the most beautiful examples of deep platonic love.
Good Friends vs. Soul Friends
So what distinguishes a good friend from a soul friend, someone whom we love “as our own soul”? And why does this type of love matter?
A good friend is someone you know well and enjoy spending time with. They enrich your life, they bring joy and encouragement and fun, and you share a lot with each other—but they may not be privy to all the inner workings of your heart.
A soul friend is someone with whom you share a deeply spiritual and emotional bond. You feel like this person just gets you, that you’re “made of the same stuff,” in a way that’s intangible and hard to define. They bring something out in you, open you up in a way that most other people can’t. One soul friend can make you feel more seen and less alone than an entire community of good—but shallower—friendships.
Deep platonic friendship, when handled appropriately, can transcend age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, and any other variety of factors. While it may have many of the same elements and a similar depth as romantic love, it is entirely distinct from it; you can (and should) share a foundation of deep friendship with your significant other, but in a platonic friendship there is no possibility, suggestion, or desire from either person that the love will ever develop into romance.
It’s also distinct from familial friendships; you can share a foundation of deep friendship with a sibling, aunt, cousin, or grandparent—but a platonic friendship doesn’t have the inherent connectedness through biological ties that a familial one does.
All love is from God and its expression to us and through us is a beautiful gift from Him. We benefit the most when we have each kind of love in our life. But deep platonic friendships show us what it feels like for someone to choose of their own free will—not out of obligation, necessity, or selfish gain—to love us wholeheartedly, to stand by us through every up and down, to support us when we’re weak, and to bring comfort to our hearts. We need deep platonic friendships because they reflect God’s love for us back to us.
