What would you say is the greatest threat to our health?
Cancer? Heart Disease? Obesity? While all of those take the lives of far too many people, the former U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, stated repeatedly that the most prevalent health issue is isolation.
Yes, isolation.
Dr. Richard Schwartz, a Cambridge psychiatrist, reinforces Murthy’s conclusion by citing multiple studies which show “those who were more socially isolated were much more likely to die during a given period than their socially connected neighbors, even after you corrected for age, gender, and lifestyle choices like exercising and eating right.”
A healthy diet and exercise are unable to overcome the negative health impact isolation has on us.
What is the True State of Our Friendships?
While many of us have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook and hundreds of followers on Instagram, our constant scrolling of social media can fuel our isolation, not heal it.
Billy Baker, a Boston Globe reporter who writes on this topic, noted rather vulnerably, “There were all those other good friends who feel as if they’re still in my life because we keep tabs on one another via social media. But as I ran don the list of those I’d consider real, true, lifelong friends, I realized that it had been years since I’d seen many of them, even decades for a few.”
One word for this kind of friendship is “rust friends.” Author Stephen Mansfield describes these loose friendships this way: “A rust friendship is simply an older friendship you’re trying to drag into the future that is not really active. Like I have dear friends from college and I love them dearly and I love talking to them, but if I’m relying on that friendship, a phone call two or three times a year, maybe a vacation together once every five years, these guys aren’t guys who really know me. They only know what I tell them.”
"Social Media is Ruining Everything!"
While it might be very easy to blame social media for our modern isolation, this is not a modern problem; isolation is an ancient one. The writer of Ecclesiastes noted this in his exploration of the meaningless of life under the sun. In chapter 4, he writes,
“I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, ‘Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?’ It is all so meaningless and depressing.”
The problem is not social media, but the way we use social media may not help solve the problem.
How Do We Overcome This Isolation?
Nothing changes in our relational health, like every other facet of our health, until we admit we have a problem.
If you are really honest, what would you say is your current level of isolation? Who really knows how you’re doing? If you were to list your friends, how strong and current are those bonds? As Mansfield would say, how “rusty” are those friendships?
Once you get an accurate sense of your level of loneliness, then it’s time to determine if you really believe isolation and loneliness is better. For some of us, we’ve pulled away from others because of past hurts, fear of vulnerability, and more important priorities.
After describing the meaningless and depressing state of his isolation, the writer of Ecclesiastes makes a strong case for overcoming it.
“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
If we truly believe that overcoming loneliness and developing stronger relationships needs to be a top priority in the new year, then it’s time to identify next steps and make a plan.
Who do you keep telling yourself you’ll get together with, someday? Is it time to shift from someday to today? Is your church launching new groups that you could join? Are you already in a group that you could deepen your commitment to or connection with? Who could you text or call today to set up an appointment with for coffee or lunch this week? Stop reading this article and make contact now! Is there a rusty friendship you could restore because the person lives close to you? What if they’re just as isolated as you are?
What your next step is - is less important than identifying something you can do today to help you thrive relationally tomorrow, and then doing it!
Jesus & Relationships
Before Jesus healed any disease, performed any miracle, fed anyone, made a lame person walk, told any parable, or did anything noteworthy in His public ministry, Mark records that Jesus began inviting men to follow Him and do so in close proximity.
In short order, Jesus invited twelve of those men to travel with and learn from Him on a daily basis. This arrangement lasted three years.
It was important for Jesus not to live in isolation. The first thing Jesus did in His ministry is the first thing we should do this year - reject isolation and pursue connection. If Jesus chose to journey through life with twelve guys, then all of us should consider surrounding ourselves with at least a few friends to become and do all God intends, too.
Scott Savage is a pastor and a writer who believes he has the best last name ever. He leads Cornerstone Church in Prescott, Arizona. Scott is married to Dani and they are the parents of three “little savages.” He is the creator of the Free to Forgive course and you can read more of his writing at scottsavagelive.com.
