Marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts, but choosing a spouse is also one of life’s most
important decisions. Many people ask, “How do I know if this is the one?” The answer isn’t about finding a perfect person. It’s about wisdom, discernment, and making a Christ-centered choice.
Scripture reminds us, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you” (James 1:5 NLT). God won’t leave us guessing, and He will guide us through His Word, His Spirit, and wise counsel.
What Does “The One” Really Mean?
Culture often describes “the one” as a soulmate, that one perfect person designed just for you. But biblically, marriage is less about finding a single pre-selected person and more about making a wise, intentional choice.
God gives us free will, including who we marry. He does not assign one specific person to each individual. Instead, He calls us to choose wisely, with one clear boundary: To not be unequally yoked and to have spiritual alignment with your future spouse (2 Corinthians 6:14).
When you say, “I take you to be my wedded spouse,” you are making a voluntary, lifelong commitment. “The one” becomes the person you choose to love, serve, and grow with through every season of life.
A helpful perspective is to look ahead. Imagine your life decades from now, and consider whether you deeply desire this person to be beside you. That kind of clarity reveals more than temporary feelings ever could.
Green Flags in a Godly Relationship
Healthy relationships are built on consistent patterns of character, faith, and intentional love. Green flags don’t mean perfection, but they do reveal whether a relationship is moving in a direction that honors God and fosters long-term strength.
A key green flag is spiritual alignment. When both individuals are committed to Christ, they share a foundation that shapes their values and direction. As Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (NLT), showing how two people can strengthen each other’s faith.
Healthy conflict is another strong indicator. Every couple disagrees, but in a thriving relationship, those moments are handled with respect and understanding. James 1:19 calls us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (NLT), thereby creating space for connection rather than division.
Emotional safety is essential. Both people should feel heard, valued, and respected, with room for each voice. This reflects 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, where love is described as patient, kind, and not self-seeking.
Growth and teachability also matter. No one enters marriage without baggage, but a healthy partner is willing to seek help, receive feedback, and pursue change. Proverbs 13:10 reminds us that “those who take advice are wise” (NLT).
Joy and friendship are equally important. Shared laughter, meaningful experiences, and
genuine enjoyment build connection and deepen a relationship. In addition, support from trusted friends and family can affirm the relationship, aligning with Proverbs 20:18: “Plans succeed through good counsel” (NLT).
Red Flags You Should Never Ignore
While green flags point to health, red flags reveal areas that can cause deep harm if ignored. Recognizing them early is essential for protecting your future and honoring God.
Unaddressed addictions (whether pornography, substances, or spending) are serious concerns. These issues do not disappear after marriage and require intentional effort and accountability to overcome.
Abusive or controlling behavior is another major warning sign. This includes emotional, verbal, or physical harm, as well as isolating a partner from loved ones. These patterns are not issues to “work through later,” they are deal breakers.
Consistent dishonesty also damages the foundation of a relationship. Trust cannot grow where truth is absent. Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in those who tell the truth” (NLT).
Pay attention to how conflict is handled. Patterns like shutting down, explosive anger, or
dismissing emotions will erode connection over time. Spiritual misalignment can also create ongoing tension in values and direction.
Another red flag is a refusal to grow. A mindset that resists help or avoids accountability often leads to stagnation. Finally, relationships that drift into marriage without a clear, intentional decision lack the strong foundation needed for lifelong commitment.
Choosing Wisely and Trusting God
A strong biblical marriage isn’t built on perfection. It’s built on intentionality, humility, and
dependence on God. It requires two people who are willing to grow, listen, and love sacrificially.
As you consider a relationship, reflect on whether both individuals are pursuing Christ, handling each other’s hearts with care, and showing a willingness to work through challenges. Marriage is not something to drift into; it is a choice to make with clarity and conviction.
Psalm 37:23 reminds us, “The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives” (NLT). God is actively guiding you as you seek Him.
A thriving marriage is not about finding “the one” but about becoming a better person who relies on Jesus and choosing someone committed to doing the same.
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Dr. Greg Smalley and Erin Smalley are key figures in Focus on the Family’s marriage ministry, where they develop and oversee initiatives to prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen existing marriages, and support couples in marital crises. Together, they co-created Ready to Wed, a comprehensive premarital curriculum for engaged couples, and the Focus on Marriage Assessment, an online tool to help couples evaluate and enhance their relationships.
Greg, the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a renowned family counselor and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center, developed a passion for marriage from a young age, inspired by attending his father’s conferences. He is the author of 20 books, including Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage and 9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.
Erin, a licensed professional counselor with a private practice (Smalley Marriage), has coauthored 12 books, including Reconnected, Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage, and The Wholehearted Wife.
Together, they present at marriage enrichment seminars, delivering insightful and practical guidance with a touch of humor to help couples build deeply satisfying marriages. Greg and Erin, married since 1992, are biological and adoptive parents to four children: Taylor, Murphy, Garrison, and Annie.
About Focus on the Family
Focus on the Family is a Christian non-profit dedicated to helping families thrive in Christ. Believing every individual and family’s greatest need is a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, they help people live their lives according to His principles, which leads to happier, healthier families and a stronger society.
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