It’s one thing when we can’t sleep. It’s an entirely different challenge when something—or someone––won’t let us sleep. There are plenty of personal practices we can implement to ease our minds before bed, tricks to overcoming restlessness in the middle of the night, and ways to lull ourselves to sleep through anxiety or stress. But what do you do when your lack of sleep is outside your control?
If you’re a parent, you can probably relate. People warn you before having kids that you’ll need to learn how to operate on a razor thin amount of sleep. But I’ll be okay, we tell ourselves, my kids are perfect little angels. No matter how wonderful your children are, sleep regression is a natural part of their growth. But how you handle it is up to you.
The Blessing of Children
Psalm 127:3 tells us children are a tremendous blessing from the Lord, and a gift for those who want to have them. We should keep this truth at the top of our minds when dealing with little ones who are struggling at bedtime.
One of my personal hobbies is collecting vintage fountain pens. They’re beautiful pieces that flourish in form and function. But that doesn’t mean they don’t come with necessary attention. You have to learn what’s good and bad for them, know how to fill them when they’re empty, and service them when things go wrong.
In the same way, our children require care and attention. We need to know what’s helpful for them and what’s a hindrance to their growth, be actively filling them spiritually, and slow down enough to comfort them when life gets tough.
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3 NLT)
Raising Children with Intentionality
The best way to raise children well is to be proactive in their upbringing. This requires intentionality and planning. When our children are having a hard time, especially in the middle of the night when everyone is tired, we might be tempted to respond based on our feelings in the moment. When we allow our emotions to drive our actions, it can quickly add to their stress and ours.
We read in Proverbs, “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it” (Proverbs 22:6 NLT).
Proverbs aren’t promises. Even with the best of parents, children always have the potential to stray. But Proverbs are general truths––ideas that have proven themselves to be effective ways to align our lives with God’s will. Raising our children means directing them to follow the right path. But they, just like you, have free will. There are going to be times when their desires take them off the right path. But if we take the time now to lay a good foundation for them, they have a much higher chance of returning back to a way of life that honors God and follows Jesus.
This should stir a passion for having a well-thought-out plan for our kids. Asking questions like, What am I doing that they might pick up on? Am I maximizing our time together? Do the words I use with them reflect a heart full of love? What am I teaching them that will help them learn to follow God on their own?
It takes time to develop a holistic plan for your family—and longer still to build a routine that ensures you’ll keep up with it. There will be times the plan changes, days where you need to pivot, and some seasons where you feel like it’s all fruitless. Give yourself grace. At the end of it all, God is still sovereign, and it’s His Spirit that does everything worthwhile in you and your children.
Why Is My Child Not Sleeping?
When you first have kids, you quickly learn just how much a baby needs you. Eating every few hours, crying anytime they’re uncomfortable, and clinging to the source of their comfort (i.e. you). As they get older, you’ll start learning the cues that mean they’re tired and ready for bed. However, as they progress through the years, they’re going to have sleep regressions––periods of time where they seem to backtrack on sleep patterns. This isn’t a sign that you’ve failed as a parent. This is a sign that your kids are growing. And that’s something to celebrate as well as support them through.
There are a number of reasons why your children suddenly take a turn for the worse at bedtime.
In the first few years of their development, they’ll often fight against sleep when they’re learning something new. Why lay down when you can roll over, crawl, wave, or babble through the night? During these “leaps of learning,” it’s important to help your child recognize the signs for bedtime. Create a routine that you follow each night. Maybe this is quietly reading books in the bedroom with the lights dimmed down, or singing a soft melody while you rock them back and forth. Giving them these signals that it’s time to settle down will help create an atmosphere of rest.
As they get into the toddler years, children begin to test the parent-child dynamic. They want to learn where their boundaries are, and the best way to do this is to push back until they feel resistance. What we view as “rebellion,” they see as “learning.” What we perceive to be an “obstacle” to our sleep, they see as an “opportunity” to expand their understanding of your relationship. When sleep is at a minimum and nighttime calls for Mom and Dad are at an all-time high, try to see the circumstance through their eyes. What are they trying to learn right now?
From there, your kids are constantly expanding their worldview. Imagine learning about everything outside the four walls of your house for the first time. It can be an intimidating thought. Your kids are constantly filling their minds with new ideas and concepts. When my daughter was two, she asked me if polar bears were real. That may seem laughable to us––but if you’ve never seen a polar bear, how are you supposed to know that a giant white bear is real while a horse with a horn isn’t? Along with these new discoveries come new fears.
Think about what scares you at night. Some fears feel more valid than others. And what may scare you may not scare someone else. Why should we consider our children’s fears any differently? Some may be valid and some may not be, but we don’t want our kids to fear us as well because of the way we respond to them. Meet them with gentle words as you guide them to comforting truths. If they’re getting up because they’re scared of monsters in the room, don’t shrug it off and send them back into their fears. Remind them that their room is safe, that you’re they’re to protect them, and that God is watching over them.
If we respond in frustration, we’ll just become another monster for our kids to fear at bedtime.
Dealing with Frustration With My Kids
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 NLT).
If you’re like most people, lack of sleep can leave you with a short fuse. For as much as we focus our attention on helping our children get to sleep, we also need to focus on being in the best place to help. This means keeping our own hearts and minds full of grace and love.
People (including little ones) learn through positive reinforcement. When it comes to our kids’ bedtimes, we should point out any wrongdoing on their part. But any discipline shouldn’t be rooted in frustration. If you feel yourself losing control, ready to snap (listen––I’ve been there), calm down, catch your breath, clear your mind, and follow the bedtime plan you created.
But more importantly than correction, we should be praising our little ones for everything they’re doing right. If we want them to feel confident at nighttime, we need to celebrate even the smallest steps forward. This can be a reward to look forward to in the morning, or a heartfelt word of encouragement that shows you appreciate your child for who he is.
Conclusion
Preparing your heart to love your kids well through the stress of not sleeping is a worthwhile goal. Not only will it help your kids feel safe and loved, it will help keep you in a much better mindset during sleepless nights.
Don’t view this as added work before you get your kids to sleep. View this as an ongoing process. Just like God transforms us to be more like Jesus over time, He wants to transform us into parents that reflect our Good Father to our own children––one step at a time.
As you walk your children through this season, check out these practical tips on how to help your kids sleep.
