Jan 23 2013
Marriage is Body and Soul

I've edited this email. Changed the name, some of the circumstances, etc. I showed my response to Sherri, our producer, and she thought a lot of people might want to read it, because so many deal with this sort of thing.

I don't claim to have "all the answers", ever.  I do know that God loves "Vanessa", and her boyfriend, more than I can put into words.

 

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Hi Brant,

Four years ago, I met a man who was a Christian, and we started dating. Eventually we became intimate, and I've felt horrible about this, and my relationship with God has almost come to a total standstill.

I am feeling extremely convicted and even fearful of what God will do because of our disobedience. When I bring it up he gets angry and says that why do I choose to obey this and why not everything else the Lord says?

He gets my mind going and makes me think that maybe I'm wrong to think that shouldn't be a part of our relationship especially since we have already had that be a part of our relationship. He says we're going to get married anyway, so there's nothing wrong with it.  I'm confused what the Bible says about this, based on what he's telling me.

Please help me. I'm tormented because I feel like I'm putting my boyfriend before God and I don't want to go to Hell for this.  But if I don't give in I feel like maybe I'm being foolish to try and change things now. 

Thank you for reading this!

Vanessa

 

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Hey Vanessa,

THANK YOU for your honesty.  I'm not sure if I'll provide the best guidance, but I will be as honest as I can be, while I'm typing hurriedly!

There are no sins worse than others.  They're all tragic, and represent rebellion against the only true, lasting love we'll ever have.

I've been married nearly 23 years, and have a dynamite marriage, and it's still true: He's it.  Marriage is a wonderful analogy, or shadow, of the love He has for us, but it's not the full picture of the love God has for us. 

Rebelling against that love is painful for awhile, and then ultimately numbing, because we become less human, less the way we were supposed to be.  We stop feeling, and things lose their joyfulness, and their color.

Will you go to Hell for your sexual sin?  Jesus told the "righteous" people, whose hearts were proud, that tax collectors and prostitutes would enter the Kingdom of Heaven before them!  The real question isn't, "Will this sin send me to Hell?" It's "Do I want the Kingdom of Heaven?  Do I even WANT God in charge?" - because, guess what, that's who's in charge when everything is restored. If you do want Him in charge, and you have made Him king NOW, demonstrate it.  As I type that to you, I type it to myself. There will be plenty of proud, upstanding, moral people in Hell. Too proud to want God as King, really.  We all sin, and Jesus has already paid the price for that. It's a question of the heart, now.

This said, some sins are WAY more impacting than others.  Marriage is saying, "I commit body and spirit to you."  And sex is a commitment of body, but outside of marriage, it's not backing it up with the lifetime commitment of the soul.

It's been proven, particularly for women, that sexual contact forges an intimate bond that goes WAY beyond mere physical exercise.  You are sharing your soul with someone who is not returning that exchange.

I suspect we all know this deep down. His body is writing a check that his soul is not willing to honor, not now.

This is very, very UNLOVING.  Very selfish of him, and, frankly, if he doesn't understand how a woman works, how a woman's heart works, or the link between sex and your very identity… Why would he be a good husband?

Marriage is ALL about putting AWAY your selfishness.  And he's demonstrating he wants to have his fun regardless of cost to you, so far as I can tell.  I don't get it.

All sin is equal rebellion against God, but sex is ridiculously powerful, and the consequences are identity-changing.  You become less YOU.  

If he's not willing to serve you in this area, to honor your desire to please God, to guard your own heart - and you should, you're NOT married - I'd dump him.  Perhaps after explaining it, lovingly, he'll "get it", and respect this, and you can make a new start, with pre-marital counseling involved.

I'm always amazed, too, at the "Well, we're GOING to get married," defense. Sometimes people do wind up getting married, sure, but if it were a sure thing, why aren't you already married?  Finances are used as an excuse, often, but it's usually CHEAPER for two people to live together than apart.  So…?  

Maybe there's a lingering sense that a commitment like marriage isn't the best thing right now…?  Fair enough. No sex until your soul will cash that check your body's writing.

That's my take.  And yes, the Bible is quite clear that sex outside of marriage is sin, just as lust is, according to Jesus.  (The commandment against adultery is often given a crafty "Well, this doesn't apply to us" spin, but there it remains. In our modern culture, we just can't STAND the idea that God wants us to live with sexual limits, because we worship sexual autonomy above all other things, no matter the cost. But yes, God cares about our sexuality. It'd be odd if He didn't, as powerful as it is!)

We're all sinners, but we can't use that as a justification to just keep doing what we want to do.  If he's a "believer", great.  "Even the demons believe," it says in James.  Does he have a heart for God, a desire to grow in love? He's demonstrating he values his own urges more than you, and that's not a good prescription for a long-lasting marriage, that's for sure.

Even if he doesn't agree, Biblically, a good future husband would protect the heart of a woman he loves, control himself, and quit taking advantage of her weakness. He'd help her get where she wants to be.  

And that's what marriage is, as it turns out.  Clearly, much as he wants the sex part of marriage, he doesn't want the part where he has to be a man and take responsibility for the wonderful gift he could have in you. You can bring that man out of him, perhaps, by saying, "This is the way it's going to be, or we're done.  Now, what do you want?"

God bless you, and I'm praying he grows up.  

Either way, you're playing with a strong hand.  Your longest-lasting, best, most passionate lover, body and soul, is with you, and will never leave you.

Best,

Brant

Comments (77) -

1/23/2013 11:06:29 AM
Kitra United States
Kitra
Awesome! Very powerful, especially in that last paragraph. Thank you very much!
1/23/2013 11:09:30 AM
Emily Blackie United States
Emily Blackie
Beautifully written, Brant! I actually didn't know about the DNA change in women. That is purely amazing! Not do two become one emotionally, but in a way, physically. My husband and I were the first for both of us and it wasn't without temptation and struggle. We both really wanted to have sex while we were engaged, but we fought back at that temptation and managed to wait. It's hard and I only know this through experience. This was truly encouraging to me and I know it will be to others.
1/23/2013 11:13:40 AM
Pamela United States
Pamela
Very wisely and respectfully said Brant. This is a message all Christian singles (engaged or not) need to hear. Our trivialization of sex outside of marriage is out-of-control w/in the Christian community. The repercussions are devastating and not verbalized enough.
1/23/2013 11:15:25 AM
Lisa United States
Lisa
Brant,

You answered that better than I have ever been able to.  I've had the "we're going to get married" discussion with friends but couldn't express why it isn't valid.

Also, I'd like to point out that I have friends that were sexually active before marriage, and after one or the other started feeling guilt, they stopped, waiting until they were married before resuming.  They were glad they did, but still had guilt over the fact that it happened at all.  Of course, what's over and done is in the past, and all any of us can do is accept that if God forgives us, then we must forgive ourselves, but I think we all struggle with old guilt anyway.

In case my wandering mind isn't making it clear, you have done a wonderful job of answering Vanessa, and all the others who struggle with this issue.  Hopefully it will help people like me who want to help others in this situation.  Good luck to you, Vanessa, and if your boyfriend doesn't see it the way Brant explained, then yes, keep looking.  His getting righteous about "this" sin over "that" sin isn't doing you any good, and there are men out there who will see your side, and even have the same heart as you.

Lisa
1/23/2013 11:16:53 AM
Kate United States
Kate
My husband and I had sex before marriage and it has been a struggle for us.  The feelings of guilt and shame don't just disappear after you sign your marriage certificate.  We are still struggling to actually enjoy sex.  We should have sought help before we were married for accountability but thought we could handle it.  But clearly we could not.  We've been married almost three years and still struggle with intimacy.  I have a book to recommend.  Kiss Me Again by Barbara Wilson.  It's very therapeutic for married women struggling to restore lost intimacy in their marriage.  I know I'm not alone being haunted by my past.  But Christ can make all things new.
1/23/2013 11:21:52 AM
Joy United States
Joy
Wow Brant, yesterday morning I was talking to my mom (well actually she talked to me more than I talked to her) about a similar issue, only I'm not with anyone, but it is a struggle of a sexual sin. It's neat you would put this on here today; I guess that's how God works! Even though you weren't really talking about the issue that I'm struggling with, you did mention about what Jesus said about lust, and that has to do with my issue (even though there are no guys around...). I find it hard to wait, but I'm trying to wait for the one God has for me. Only God knows who that is, and I just have to release that desire that I have to Him, until He's ready for me to be married. Maybe if I spend more time with Him, I'll quit focusing so much on the other stuff, and He can be the love of my life. He loves us so much, no matter what we do. We just have to go to Him. Thanks for this Brant, and thank you Sherri for telling him to put it in a blog.
1/23/2013 11:26:55 AM
Anon United States
Anon
This post further solidifies my faith. God knows exactly what we need when we need it. I had to have this discussion with my teen just two days ago... I prayed about this very thing this morning... He is so awesome. I'm in tears thanking Him for being so faithful.
1/23/2013 11:34:39 AM
Cyndi United States
Cyndi
That was very well stated. Thank you for that thoughtful, Godly answer.
1/23/2013 11:35:55 AM
Anon. United States
Anon.
Excellently written. I feel led to throw in a little personal bit- My girlfriend had a very similar situation when she and her ex were together. Ended up that she discovered that he was unfaithful and they broke up. Some time later she and I met on a mission trip and we fell CRAZY in love with each other. Now we are both looking forward to being married in the future. Lemme tell you, it HURTS that she gave herself to somebody else. I feel horribly robbed of something that should have been just ours. But let me encourage you- God specializes in redemption, and he can work in your life and relationships to restore and repair your heart. My Girlfriend has scars on her heart because of that relationship, but as God works in our relationship and on each of us individually, I can totally see him at work healing the both of us. So look, no matter what happens from here on out- if you break up or if you both decide to submit your relationship to God and save further intimacy for marriage, God can and will take care of you.
1/23/2013 11:50:30 AM
Thadd United States
Thadd
Brandt,

Could you give us some more information or cite a source that talks about a woman's DNA change due to sex?

1/23/2013 12:02:35 PM
Kinzie United States
Kinzie
Hey Brandt,
I'm interested in where you got the information that says a woman's DNA changes due to sex.  Could you cite your source?  Thanks.
1/23/2013 12:03:53 PM
Frank United States
Frank
I was once in a relationship like this. Se Christian me not so much. I wanted to have fun (never had sex,but everything else to make it seem ok) many times she said to me that we shouldn't be doing this and I would as why and all I would get was "cos God doesn't want this from us." I didn't understand, well I think I didn't want to understand. After other relationship problems I got dumped!  I'm sure the sexual played into it. After getting dumped I truly seek'd out God, came to faith and baptized. I understand now! I deserved to get dumped, I needed to get dumped. If I hadn't then I would of never become the husband that she would of wanted me to be. Now I get it, and I'm still single and I know that once I get into a relationship I/we will struggle with this all over again, but I hope that I will rely more on God to take control and be the center of the relationship and put Him before our fleshly desires.  
1/23/2013 12:27:32 PM
C. Thompson United States
C. Thompson
What an AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME answer! I hope that every single person reads this and understands how God intended relationships outside of marriage to be!
We all need help in this area, but our very help resides within us. Jesus Christ!
1/23/2013 12:30:09 PM
Miriam United States
Miriam
http://hookedthebook.com/about.html

This book is the new science on how sex affects the adolescent brain.  It's strictly scientific information, however it reinforces what the Bible says about sex outside marriage.  I use it in my work with teenage moms and youth in our church, and have even taught it overseas in Africa!
1/23/2013 12:43:34 PM
Nell United States
Nell
I have a very good book to read for the women and young ladies out there struggling with being single and how to live for God while dating in a culture where sex outside of marriage is 'normal'. It is called "Lady In Waiting" and it is written by Jackie Kendall. We did a study on it at my church. It is about becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right. It was eye opening! This book teaches you how no husband/boyfriend can ever fill the place in our hearts designed to be God's place, and how to allow God to meet your emotional needs as a single lady, and then meet what needs your husband does not once you do get married. The book is great for married ladies too.
1/23/2013 12:54:32 PM
Amy United States
Amy
Thank you so much for writing and posting this response.  It is so very true and I would love for all men and women to read this, especially men.  I've been in the "relationship" that was supposed to end up in a marriage but didn't and I caved b/c "we are gonna get married anyway".  Shame and regret followed me for years, and I often wondered if it did him and if he blamed me as much as I hated myself!  Then b/c I'd lost that part of my soul, like you pointed out in your response, my current husband and I also sinned in this manner.  Ironically, he was more convicted than I was!  And he'd been married and divorced 3 times!!  The good news is, we have been married for 4 years now, we have a beautiful baby girl, and our marriage is awesome, including sex.  I learned to let my shame go.  When you repent, and let the negative emotions go (cause Satan WILL hound you with shame if you let him), God WILL restore you to where HE wants you to be!  Thank God!!!
1/23/2013 1:09:50 PM
brant h United States
brant h
Thank you for the comments and conversation!

Kinzie, and anyone else who's wondering: I've been searching for a source on the DNA issue (it's something I've heard a couple times) but have come up empty.  As a result, I've edited the text to remove that sentence - at least until I find something.  I don't want to mislead anyone, or propagate my own misunderstanding.

My apologies on that.
1/23/2013 1:27:25 PM
Neal United States
Neal
WOW, that is all I can say. Very well put and very true.
God so wants us to do it His way and Marriage is so amazing as I have.
I did it wrong the first time and it caused so much destruction.
If either party is leading the other away from the Holy life God wants for that person--Run.
Great Job Brant!!!
1/23/2013 1:28:29 PM
Jim United States
Jim
Brant, are you thinking of the chemical reactions in your brain?  Oxytocin and endorphins are described here and how they affect the body:

http://people.howstuffworks.com/love7.htm

Jim
1/23/2013 1:40:41 PM
Nancy Wilkinson United States
Nancy Wilkinson
Been there done that! Very bad idea. Once you have entered into the physical relationship, there is a tearing of the spirit, if the relationship does not work out. It is very hard to get over the togetherness that God has designed only for marriage. This guy needs to step up or step out!
1/23/2013 1:44:31 PM
Toby United States
Toby
Very well put Brant.  This is a tough area for many many people.  Basically, if you feel guilty for it, I believe God is talking to you and calling to you, to obey him and what he wants for you.  If this man truely loves you, he will wait and give you the respect you deserve.  You are a daughter of God, and he should treat you like it.  And you should respect yourself like you are. God will forgive. Just remember that he loves you so much. No matter what you do. He wants the best for you. So you know that when he ask you to do something, it will be great when you obey.  Praying for you!
1/23/2013 1:50:36 PM
Billy and Tisha United States
Billy and Tisha
Speaking about premarital togetherness... My husband and I lived together for three years before we changed our lives and gave ourselves to The Lord.. Our testimony is when we chose to follow Christ we decided to stop all adult rrelastionship till marriage this was an agreement he and I took we went 92 days. Till we were married we stayed in the same house but we chose to wait till then. My words of wisdom is The Lord calls us all to save ourselves for our husband or wife.. And this day in times that is so hard to do but through Jesus Christ we can achieve all things the days counting till the wedding date is a joy for the both because you know that there is a gift that god gives in your marriage just for the obedience of obeying what he calls it has been a year and half and we are as much in love today as we were five years ago I have soo much respect for him for wanting to obey gods word and I love him more today for wanting to with all his heart.
1/23/2013 1:51:40 PM
Luis United States
Luis
My opinion is that, if you feel conviction, it's time to separate yourself from what convicts you! It will hinder you and cause self destruction. I too was in that situation. We are still together, but patiently await for our wedding day. We no longer feel conviction and trust in God! He is opening all kinds of doors because He forgave us and we abstain from that sin in our lives! God Bless and pray about ALL situations.
1/23/2013 1:57:25 PM
Rob United States
Rob
That was an excellent answer Brant! I'm a divorced father of a 13 year old daughter, who has gone through many of the experiences you and others mentioned, so I can relate in a very tangible way.

The ironic thing is that in my situation of being single again, I've met a lot of Christians and they say that they gave in to intimacy before marriage because they "thought they were going to get married". Obviously, they never did.

I've even made the mistake of thinking because I'm older and have been married, those principals don't apply anymore. I've even had pastors tell me, "It's different for you because you're no longer pure anyway, and God just wants you to be mature about it and have a commitment. The biblical teaching is for younger people who need to stay pure." He had also mentioned that, "back in the day" people got married at such a young age, that it doesn't really apply to someone my age.

Well, that sounds good to someone who wants to rationalize their actions. But you bring up a great point about how women's hearts are wired and how there's a direct like between sex and her identity. I have to admit as a man, that my heart has always been wired more like a woman's, so I can relate to that concept.

I believe you are right and so glad you were had the honesty to say he is being unloving and selfish. I know the male libido is strong and to be honest, so are a lot of women's. But, having the discipline to abstain and go through that trial together as a couple to me would be something that would ultimately bring us closer together.

Now that I have a daughter who is entering into an age where the pressures are going there, I am even more convicted of staying pure. I don't want her to go through the mistakes I've made. You're so right that marriage makes us, put away our selfishness and having a child even more so. I hope that one day I will meet the right person to marry and this time I'll do it right. Put God first and in control of all I have and more importantly the decisions I make.
1/23/2013 2:02:45 PM
Ted United States
Ted
With my first wife, we were intimate before marriage. It wasn't the act that precipitated our divorce, but it was a series of eroded decision making due to not making a fearless commitment to honor Christ. I compromised waiting for God's best for me. I gave in to neediness and the self-generated belief that I couldn't live with out the relationship.

After one nasty and ugly divorce, I decided to follow God's plan for dating and marriage. Result - got the one God intended for me. Incredible relationship and marriage. We've gone through so much together (false prosecution, disabled child, layoffs, building a business) but we have a blessed and loving marriage.
1/23/2013 2:05:12 PM
Sherry United States
Sherry
Amen.  I will be praying for her, this is a tuff one..epecially since they have already been involved.  God is still God, He loves you and is leading you..He is your strength..lean in, breath deep and move on if you have to.
1/23/2013 2:06:18 PM
Pamela United States
Pamela
I was 24 when I got married.  When I was 16 I decided I was going to wait for marriage to have sex.  Easier said than done, but I did it and I am sooooooooooooooo blessed.  I lost a man that I thought I truely loved, not to mention a few I was happily attracted to.  It is not the easiest thing.  I had the same question thrown at me.  I was engaged to be married to this guy and he said, we are already engaged, so we are already commited.   Eh, he almost convinced me!!!!!  Thank God, he didn't.  I ended up catching him in bed with someone.  With a broken wounded heart, I went on with life.  We were unequally yoked, he was not a Christian.  God totally blessed me, I have now been married over 25 years.  I was 24 and I still found this man that was saving himself for marriage also!  We have gone through quite a bit through married life, it is also not an easy task.  But, I believe because we both put God first in our relationship, He has taken us through the rough spots in our marriage.  I wouldn't trade my desicion for nothing.  
1/23/2013 2:10:23 PM
Abraham United States
Abraham
Hi Brant,

I heard your story on the radio about this email and decided to read more about it. >:3

The bible is very clear about fornication. It is clearly a sin and getting married later on does not excuse anyone to have intimacy before getting married. Only true repentance would excuse this such an action. Getting married later on doesn't really show any wisdom or understanding of the heart of the Lord or HIS mind. I think repenting and not doing such an act until they are married would be something that will lead her and her boyfriend to something more beautiful. Also, it is clear to me that her boyfriend does not know God. For if he had known and truly love God would he have done such a thing or said such a thing like "were getting married later on anyways." There is clearly no consideration for God in HIS words. As for the girl I truly feel the same thing, she considered a man more than God and gave in to the man's/boy's lust. I truly believe that these two people need to consider God and know God more. So, that they know whats truly right and have better discernment of the situation. If they truly want God in their life and truly believe in him and love him. They should pursue God and HIS heart more, read the whole Bible and understand it. For the word of God is good for reproof and instruction just like the proverb says.

Also, if the words that I said seem kind of harsh. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound like that at all. But, for some reason I always seem serious when I write and well I have a stern face. >:3

May the peace of God the Father and our LORD Jesus Christ be with you and the brethren.

God Bless You All
1/23/2013 2:11:03 PM
RHONDA COOK United States
RHONDA COOK
Great advice, Brant.  We should never give the devil a foothold in anything.  Why would we want to invite him into our sex life?  Everything he touches is ultimately destroyed.  God was the author and creator of sex so if you want it to be the best possible we should do it the author's way.  Everything the devil has is only counterfeit, which can't come close to the original.
1/23/2013 2:13:24 PM
Charity United States
Charity
Brant,

My own personal experience has been similar, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years now. I actually broke up with him not long after we became physical, but the next day I found out I was pregnant!

After talking to him about this, we stayed together to raise our son. He is an amazing little boy, he loves children's church and I read Bible stories and pray with him all the time. But one of these days, he is going to realize how insincere mommy is being - my relationship with God is almost non-existent.

I still don't know if I made the right decision in staying with him for our son's sake. I hate the thought that someone else could end up in the same situation, since 'protection' didn't do anything to keep me from conceiving! I haven't had peace of mind or spirit in years.
1/23/2013 2:21:15 PM
Wendy United States
Wendy
I went through the same thing before finally getting married. My husband and I had been living together and had 3 children together. At the time I had just recently rededicated my life to Christ and was convicted of the sin in my life, premarital sex being one of those sins. It finally got to the point where I had to give my now husband who was completely terrified by the thought of marriage an ultimatum and risk loosing him. He did almost leave me too! He had a place to move and plans of living seperate from me. I know this makes him sound bad, but for some reason, even though he was so far invested into our relationship he was so scared of that commitment. He even developed a condition called pleurisy that was brought on by this stress. I hated to see him like that, but I had to put God first for once in my life.  We have been married now for 5 years and God has blessed us in many ways. I also have to agree with one of the other comments where our premarital sex has affected our current sex life. It has been damaged and those are the reprocussions of sin. I believe God can and will restore us if we continue to put Him first.
1/23/2013 2:22:00 PM
Alberto United States
Alberto
Brant: Excellent advise.  I don't think that it can be over-emphasized how powerful sexual temptation can be.

Vanessa: Take it from someone who knows firsthand, that the "We're going to get married anyway" rationale is deeply flawed.  We know that as believers, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but there are also definitely consequences for our sins nonetheless.  In our case, we really did want to get married, and we did, but it didn't undo the selfish sinful choices we made or the consequence of the feeling of disappointment in ourselves that came from realizing that we allowed our temptation to become bigger than our lord and creator - the creator of everything, far beyond the limits of our own knowledge and imagination; bigger than our huge, omnipresent, all-powerful creator who loves us, and cherishes us also much more than we can know or imagine.

So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that you're feeling convicted (I sure did), and that your relationship with God "has almost come to a total standstill."  That feeling of conviction is the Holy Spirit in you.  That standstill with God is feeling the conviction, but hesitating on putting Him first and repenting.  With this feeling of conviction, if you keep choosing the sin over repentance, that standstill feeling will get worse.

The good news is that He doesn't love you any less for it, and can give you all the strength and power you need to stand up against this and any other temptation, because He is that big, that powerful, and that loving.  All you need to do, is ask for forgiveness, actually receive the forgiveness (sometimes, that can be the hardest part), and ask for the strength that you need.  Then, keep asking for strength, because like me, and every other sinner, you going to need it.

1/23/2013 2:35:43 PM
Samantha United States
Samantha
I am going through this too. I have been with the man I am with for 7 years and are not married. I have 4 from a previse marrage and was a single mother when I meet Chris. We have two together and when people ask us when we are getting married he says about the finances too. It is confussing to me because I am scared to go through a heart break and my children are involed too. Thanks Sam
1/23/2013 2:36:59 PM
Mar... United States
Mar...
Obedience to what God is calling one to, is done in faith. Sometimes we're not sure why it's so important to be obedient especially when there circumstances influencing us to do otherwise. I would like to speak on this quote from Brant's reply, and how obedience in this area has stengthened and helped provided a secure foundation for both my wife and I for the past 15 years of marraige:

Brant:
"It's been proven, particularly for women, that sexual contact forges an intimate bond that goes WAY beyond mere physical exercise.  You are sharing your soul with someone who is not returning that exchange."

You want someone in your life that will care for you, help provide an environment where you can grow, especially in the Lord. HE is the foundation of everything in your life.

My wife and I started dating in the ways of this world. We also started attending church regularly at the same time. After a couple months, the Lord started convicting us of our ways. We spent the next 3 1/2 years in obedience. It was not easy!! We were challenged!! We also grew tremedously in the Lord. It was new to us, we never tried following the Lord before. HE kept our relationship on the up and up!  When we were married, we made God the head of our household. My wife and I have a level playing field on moral, behavioral, and spiriual issues that we both participate in. It is rich in forgiveness, hope, peace, forbearance, love, and SECURITY! My wife knows to this day that I love her because I love HER, not for what she can provide for me. Simply born out of obedience, and maintained by the Lord.

I encourage you to participate in sharing you thoughts and convictions with your boyfriend. Allow some time for the Lord to work in his heart. Like Brant has commented, You, in your efforts to follow the Lord, may call your boyfriend in to being the man God has called him to be! Not all christian men know exactly what to do. We are all learning. Your failthfulnes to God, and more importantly His faithfulness to you, will bless you for years to come!!! I say this from experience. Our prayers are with you!
1/23/2013 2:39:40 PM
Connie United States
Connie
Thank you for approaching this subject in response to a women who is hurting & also appears to have just needed someone else to re-confirm what she knew was right in her heart! I'm praying for her! There is definitely hope & healing waiting for her!

I'm what seems like an oddball of sorts in today's society. I'm 31 years old, have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed & have saved myself sexually for marriage.I'm not really around anyone else like myself, although I know there are others out there! It's difficult at times waiting for the man God has for you, but you keep holding onto the hope that he's out there somewhere. Satan will use all kinds of tactics to make you think you're not good enough, pretty enough, that nobody will ever love you or want to marry you. I've had these thought & have had to pray constantly to not believe them! I have never been in the situation to be tempted, but I'm sure those are things satan tells girls/guys, just to make you settle for someone & go along with whatever they want to do. It's frightening, unless you first prepare yourself, to even think of going into tempting situations, for fear you will fall under pressure. I hope & pray that the Lord will give me wisdom to NOT fall. I made my decision fairly young that I didn't want to have physical relationships with anyone other than the man I would marry. I have never regretted this decision, even in the waiting... I don't feel that I've been called to celebacy, but possibly to minister. It is possible to wait in the world we are living in...it just takes a lot of praying & not caring what others say about you! You are following the living God, not the world!!!

With Hope ~
Connie
1/23/2013 2:45:38 PM
Amanda United States
Amanda
Wow! This was so great Smile God works and speaks in such awesome ways!!!

My boyfriend and I are both strong believers but for some reason have "on and off" struggles with purity.  It seems that there are days where we're all out on fire for honoring God and waiting, but then there's others where we both seem to neglect the idea and give in to temptation.  While we haven't "given ourselves" completely, sin is still sin.  We've sought counsel through church members to hold us accountable which has helped some.  All the while, Satan seems to know just what buttons to push at the right time and it is incredibly frustrating.  We still struggle, and we're still works in progress. But the good news is God is not done with us yet.  We can do all things through Him who gives us strength and He can take any situation we find ourselves in to bring Him glory.  

I'm so thankful and completely awestruck that we are loved by an incredible God who loves us despite our failures and disappointing Him daily.  His love never fails,  never gives up, and never runs out on us! How awesome is He.
1/23/2013 3:19:20 PM
Debbie United States
Debbie
Brant,

I actually had to take a stand this past week with my boyfriend who I started dating 5 months ago. I have had to walk away and let him go after the sexual pressure and tension he would try to create in our relationship, even though he knew my stand as a Christian to abstain from sexual intimacy.  He had just rededicated his life to the Lord after attending a church service with me 2 months after we started dating, and he had become "on-fire" for God again, but shortly after he began to have his struggles again with his old lifestyle and I could see steps of back-slidding behavior in him again, as he started to make excuses for missing church services, becoming unaccountable and secretive and playing head games, show signs of a cheater personality.

He mentioned many times about his desire to get married, and during the time we dated, he would create opportunities to become intimate beyond control, or make comments that added sexual pressure to the relationship.  I eventually had to avoid any situation that would put us in a compromising position because I could no longer trust his behavior.  

Two weeks ago he became unaccountable again, being gone the whole weekend, and I have not heard from him since.  I have already settled in my mind let him go.  I am sure he has already walked-away and moved on with someone else, without the decency to man-up and make the official break with me.

His behavior proves he did not truly make the commitment to rededicate himself to Go and obey God's word about sexual immorality; and secondly, despite his comments to get married someday, it is clear he did not love me enough for marriage and walked away because he could not get what he wanted from me before marriage.  

I have peace in my heart that I have done the right thing and remained obedient to God.  I believe God will honor and bless me for putting God first.  My heart breaks for my ex-boyfriend, but I continue to pray that God will eventually get through to him about the truth of sexual immorality and the destruction it creates in a person's life, and it separates them from God. As the Bible says,those who participate in such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Debbie
1/23/2013 3:40:31 PM
Ellie Argentina
Ellie
Oh my Gosh Brant! You should come to my church and say this! THANK YOU!
1/23/2013 4:00:20 PM
Brandi United States
Brandi
Brant,
I married the love of my life 2 months ago. I'm afraid that about 4 months before that we had the exact same argument. I expressed my concern and he used the same excuse. The difference is that my now husband had not grown up in church and had never had a relationship with God before. I was the first person to ever speak with him about Christ's love. I stood my ground and even though he wasn't happy about it, he didn't have a choice. It caused a few bumps in our relationship. We made it through and now we are happily married. However, because of the things I did before I still had guilt even after being married. It was something I had to work through with God. My husband is now saved. He has turned is life over to Christ and in hind sight he now understands why I felt the way I did.
1/23/2013 4:14:28 PM
Jordon Nelson United States
Jordon Nelson
Hello Brant,

I love air one and love what you wrote for today. But I can't stop think of your battle in the Colosseum of wits. Your voice was hilarious how you were just talking sly. But what I find funny is your still talking in that voice and it's just funny to hear. Also your AWESOME!!!!!! And! RAISE UP LIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!
1/23/2013 4:34:29 PM
Grant United States
Grant
I was that boy. Who used and twisted scripture to sleep with my girlfriend stating that there is no difference. Because marriage takes place in our heart you don't need a ceremony. I missed the mark! I thought I was under Christ trying to live a christian life.

My girlfriend at the time had the strength to breakup with me and I thank God she did, because it drove me back to God our Father. Confessing my Sin to brothers in Christ started a healing process(james 5:16) and a sermon done about marriage and men taught me that I was still acting like a boy even though I was twenty years old.

I am happily married now to another woman with Christ at the head of our family, but I promise you if my past girlfriend had not broken up with me she would have married a boy not a Man of God. A boy who is content with not leading a relationship, a boy who though more of himself than of Christ or girlfriend.

About a year into my marriage my mother told me she did not listen to God when she married my dad. I was shocked. She said, "God has used this marriage for his Glory, but..."  then she trailed off. I think I still got the point, Paul talks about being unevenly yoked in Corinthians.

I will be praying for both of you may you both draw closer to Christ
1/23/2013 4:52:31 PM
Stephanie R United States
Stephanie R
I think he has lost respect for you and if he really has a strong faith in God he would respect you. Thats it..You should seek counseling. Sex is for marriage and two people who have a committed faith and ultimately risk taking part in something so intimate before god should be equal. We are all sinners but the fact you have felt bad and asked him to stop..he should respect you. My little advice..Go to god and pray..
1/23/2013 4:54:53 PM
Andrew United States
Andrew
As everyone else before m has stated, very well said Brandt. This, unfortunately, is a struggle that I believe nearly everyone encounters at sometime in their life. It doesn't help that our society today is very misleading and makes it extremely difficult to guide people in the right direction. I had. been in a similar situation as Vanessa, the only difference being that I was like the man in her relationship. God gives evertyhing tk us for good purposes. It is only when we take what He has graciously given us and use it for a purpose other than which it was intended for, does it allow us to fall into sin. Sex is a very powerful thing. God created it to bring forth life. It is a sacred act where two come together, with God, and co-create with Him. There is a reason why such strong emotions are(or should be) attached to sharing the experience with another person. Of course, the physical feeling is great because it was intended for good. But when used only for our own enjoyment instead of what God created it for, pain ensues. Emotional tensions or even breakdowns for both men and women alike. A sense of obligation to the other person. Because the act of sex also is meant to strengthen the bond between a husband and his wife. When I made this mistake, I was very embarrassed, but I too sought help. I learned that the responsibility of a married couple is to aid the other in getting to Heaven. Period. Love each other where you're at, and help each other get better. Marriage is for life. To love one another with your faults, but also love one another enough to patiently and tenderly teach each other to get rid of bad habits, to keep each other on the straight and narrow. If he or she isn't willing to honor God's Word, then why would you think that God intended that person for you? Be patient. God will surprise you when you aren't looking. Make God's priorities your priorities, and He will take care of whatever stands between you and anything He intends to bless you with. I only boast in my past ignorance because He has taught me and brought me through the darkness and has allowed me to become an instrument and tool for His use. Thank you Brandt for helping Vanessa and others that share the same struggle. Will definitely be praying for her and the continuation of Air1 and it's ministry.
1/23/2013 5:03:23 PM
nunya bidness United States
nunya bidness
My husband was my first, but my husband was very *ahem* experienced prior to meeting me. That has turned out to be an issue, even after 11 years of marriage. What was meant to be a voyage of discovery for both has become more of a bumper boat session of expectations. While I followed the route of chastity before marriage, I never really understood the import of it until now. While we are happy overall, if he had waited as well, we'd have a much better situation now.
1/23/2013 5:04:54 PM
Kair'e United States
Kair'e
WOW this hits WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We have 2 sons together and I have another son out of this relationship. My boyfriend was the one that help me find Jesus. I LOVE JESUS! But the odd thing is that my boyfriend refuses to go to church, study The Bible with me or pray with me and our kids. I am not sure why. My boyfriend tells me that I "more" Godly than him and makes fun of me now. I am going to follow your advise because my BF also uses the excuse "we will be married so what will make the difference" I am going to print this out and say "THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE" Sadly I don't think he will change. He has made it clear to me that sex is what makes a relationship healthy and without it there is nothing. Frown But I am willing to accept that he doesn't value our relationship enough. I trust in God. He will make all things GOOD. I have no doubt that whatever happens it is always for the best.
Thank you for posting this on here!
Kair'e Laughing
1/23/2013 5:10:55 PM
John United States
John
Grant, I am very impressed with your bravery for tackling such a difficult, yet prevalent topic in today's society.  It's refreshing to hear someone in a public role taking a stance against today's culture of immediate gratification and defending true moral values.  
1/23/2013 5:18:26 PM
Brooks United States
Brooks
Absolutely beautiful; it sounded like it was written by a female.  How refreshing knowing it came from a male who truly understands a man's "needs" and a woman's heart.
1/23/2013 5:29:24 PM
Terri United States
Terri
This is a beautiful and loving response. Thanks!
1/23/2013 5:43:20 PM
Sharon Williams United States
Sharon Williams
I've been going through the same EXACT thing with my boy friend! I've been praying all week to hear a Word from God on how to approach this with my boy friend and how I should follow through with it because I do love him but I definitely feel like he's getting the #1 spot over God in my life (not cool). But God is SO good and is on time all the time. I know exactly what I need to do now! Thanks Air1 for keeping it REAL and being such a great source of support and encouragement even through the struggles. it goes a LONG way! Praying for you Vanessa! We're going to get through this together! Smile
1/23/2013 5:54:33 PM
Anon United States
Anon
This has helped me SO MUCH. Thank you everyone!!
1/23/2013 6:05:53 PM
Rae United States
Rae
Personally this is something I struggle with from time to time. It's been very hard to find someone to talk too, well it's mostly my own embarrassment and guilt, really. The Lord is my heart and is the only true love I have ever known. When it comes to love, there are insecurities. And I looked for love "in all the wrong places" and in all the wrong people. When I finally let Jesus into my life, everything changed. At first, I couldn't believe someone could love so truthfully, faithfully, and want only what is good for you. I couldn't trust it, but the good Lord continue to work on me. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I felt love for Jesus. And it stuck! Now I still struggle with sin and one of those biggest sin is drinking and being sexual outside of marriage. It takes me away from Christ. God forgives as soon as you repent, but forgiving myself for hurting Christ takes a little longer to finally come around. After reading all the comments, I dont' feel alone. It is exactly what I needed to hear to finally make that decision to quit drinking and putting myself in that situation. God means more to me than anything in this world. I have been praying for discipline in all areas of my life. I've learn to take it day by day. Some days are harder than others, but when I plead and ask God, he gives me the strength to continue to deny myself and reach for him.
Thank you Vanessa for bring it up! I truly hope it works out for you. Let us put down our fishing nets and pick up the cross!  
1/23/2013 7:47:42 PM
Kevin United States
Kevin
Brant,
I patiently waded through 51 posted comments, most of which praise your wisdom - none of which offered any criticism.  I have to ask, wasn't there a twinge of doubt when you recommended dumping the selfish boyfriend?  I mention it for two reasons.  One, because carelessly tossing aside a fellow human being does not seem consistent with your usual message.  Two - because I, like many others, have previously been that selfish (and immature) guy.

Are his actions contemptible?  Absolutely.  But are they unforgivable?  Are they irrevocable?  I have no idea what God has in mind for the couple you wrote about.  But I believe there is more to the story than the one side presented.  Won't you join me in praying for and offering support for them both?

OK - everything else was terrific.  I really wish I'd come across this kind of an explanation 30 years ago when I was first heading into these troubled waters.

God Bless your continued good work.
1/23/2013 8:53:36 PM
Deni United States
Deni
Wow....this is so hard, and something I have been dealing with recently myself.  I am 53 years old, and have been dating (more like an old-fashioned courtship) a guy for 2 1/2 years.  We have very recently moved to the serious physical phase of our relationship.  While we are both exclusively committed to each other, I am also struggling with recently giving in once, and now feeling guilt and wanting to back up and be celibate again. I have been trying to find a way to try to tell him this...although I suspect he already knows and may feel the same as I do.  Thank you Brant for giving me the courage to discuss this with him in a loving way.  I am totally prepared (well at least at this moment) to have him walk away if he doesnt agree.  God has been with me for so long....I have considered Him my partner for many years since my divorce 17 years ago.  I need to keep Him in that place if and until I ever marry again.  Thanks again for bringing this up on your show, or I may have had more regrets and guilt to come.  Please pray for me as I prepare to discuss this with my boyfriend....which I plan on doing tomorrow!!  
1/23/2013 9:22:43 PM
Kim United States
Kim
You did a wonderful job explaining this. Thank you for standing for Truth. My husband and I were eachothers 1st and what an honour it is. I am so thankful for our strong conviction and Faith to wait until marriage. Not one day have I ever regretted our choice. Even though I have had many people make comments when I have been asked, and I answered honestly as I am not ashamed.I am amazed at the actions of people that have an issue with people that wait until marriage. I have 2 daughters 22 and 17. My 22 yr old has been picked at for her desire to wait. She has been dating her boyfriend for 7 yrs, and to be married next yr. She is thankful that both of them have waited for eachother. I pray this young girl has the courage to take the stand with her boyfriend, as you can already tell that she knows this isnt ok. Praying God give her Strength. I love the discussions that you get on in your show. Many people dont want to discuss issues that so many have and you do. Thank you again for Standing firm in your Faith.
1/23/2013 9:30:23 PM
Chris Taylor United States
Chris Taylor
That was awesome! Thank you for sharing that. I also just listened to a series called " purity" out of northpoint church by Andy Stanley & group that explained all if this very well, especially about women's hearts, intimacy, relationships & what happens with sex outside of marriage. Very powerful.
1/24/2013 12:30:37 AM
JJ United States
JJ
I would first like to Pray for the young woman who is being convicted by GOD for what is being done wrong. Heavenly Father, I boldly come before you asking, begging, on this woman's behalf that she not be punished for the wrong doing of what the boyfriend is wanting to do. Lord I ask that place Holy Spirit filled woman in her life to help her and Holy Spirit filled men in his life to help him. Father I pray that if it is your will that separate them in order for the both to do what you Father, would have them do. Father I ask if its your will that you have her contact me at my 24/7 Prayer line at 912-248-6121 and her boyfriend can contact my husband, Charles at 912-401-9171. Lord I pray that your will be done here and that you give this woman peace in her Spirit because she is in need Father. All this I pray in Jesus name, AMEN!! Again my name is JJ and she can contact me at the above number or via e-mail at YHWH'Sdaughter4ever@gmail.com. Anyone who sees my number it is a 24/7 Prayer line feel free to use it. It states in His Word My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man(woman) he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.( JOB 16:20-21) This couple needs Prayer. One more scripture before I Pray myself, its also in JOB 5:8 But, if I were you I would appeal it to GOD; I would lay my cause before him. Father please be with ALL involved, AMEN!  
1/24/2013 12:35:37 AM
Teresa United States
Teresa
This was awesome! Thank you so much for sharing!  I am old fashioned/ deeply convicted in my faith when it comes to this important issue in life and whenI took my stand with my children and it was hard for them to follow that path.  They claim to be Christians but wanted to make their rules as they go along...I pray all the teenager generation when exploring their sexual identity that they follow God's plan for their lives.

Blessings,

Teresa
1/24/2013 12:47:24 AM
faith United States
faith
Vanessa its very simple, the  Conviction you feel is normal and from God.Don't  Ignore it. Jesus says that"If you confess your sins, he is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you of all unrighteousness" however in confessing you must turn away from the sin also. Take a stand. Rebuild your life. Gods word is very clear on this subject in his word. This guy in your life is not truly loving you. When you find the right one that person will make you a better  Christian. So ask yourself "Is he making you a better Christian?" how this guy leads you know shows how he will lead you in marriage. God bless and I pray you follow the Lords leading.
1/24/2013 1:05:00 AM
Luke United States
Luke
Well said Brant. The questions about Hell are concerning, and I'm glad you addressed that. We are saved by faith and faith alone, by God's unfailing grace. Of course, as it says in Romans 6:1-2, this is not an excuse to go on sinning. We have died to sin and should strive to remove it from our lives.

My pastor did a great series about sexuality recently. Something he said that stuck with me was how God only gives of Himself within the context of a covenant relationship. As creatures made in the image of God, we ought to also only give fully of ourselves within the intimacy of a marriage covenant.

The intimacy of sex is the closest we can experience in this life to God's intimate relationship between the Father, Son and Spirit. It is one of God's greatest gifts to humanity, so of course it's always been one of Satan's favorite things to corrupt and distort.

Vanessa, you're in my prayers. I hope you can stand up to your boyfriend and you will work things out. But if he won't respect you now, that won't magically change after marriage. If you have to make a change in the relationship, just remember: God loves you more than any man can ever be capable of and He's already paid more than any man ever could for you. And no matter what happens, nothing can change that.

God bless!
-Luke

"I love you and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it."
1/24/2013 1:07:10 AM
faith United States
faith

Also i'm blessed to say that my husband and I waited till marriage to be with eachother intimately. I was a virgin saved myself for the one man I would marry, my husband however was not a virgin and dealt with sexual sin but the Lord used his relationshio with me to teach him how to wait. I was very clear from the beginning on where I stood. It was a battle trust me but we made it. Hide Gods word in your heart that you might not sin against him. My husband and I are so blessed cus we waited with eachother. We were together 4 yrs till we got married, there was alot of temptation and even sought guidance when tempted. Seek guidance. Conquer sin because it is passed down from generation to generation. If you dont stop the sin it will be passed down to your children. Jesus loves you Vanessa and he will guide you, he already is... So listen
1/24/2013 1:31:45 AM
Kayla Stinson United States
Kayla Stinson
Hey Brant.  I was listening to air1 because I can't sleep.  I heard about this and had to say something.
I have always believed that sex should only happen when you have married someone you truly love.  I believe that love is precious and I refuse to budge on this.
I have had this kind of conversation with a guy I really liked we weren't going out or anything like that, but he asked me what my stance was on having sex before marriage.  I answered him truthfully and said I was waiting for marriage.  He then asked me what if the guy had already had sex before marriage.  I told him that, that was fine as long as I stay a virgin until I'm married.  He then said that it would be harder for that guy because he has had sex before.  I said that if the guy truly liked and respected me he would wait.
Some how he started saying well I don't think people should marry just to have sex.  I said yes I agree.  Marriage should be between two people who truly love each other and are fully committed to each other.  Well our conversation went on for a while and eventually we ended our conversation.  After that any interest he might have had for me ended.
Looking back to our conversation I wish I would have told him that God says we shouldn't have sex with someone we aren't married to and Jesus DIED on the cross for me so the least I can do for Him is to try to follow what He asks of us.  I may mess up in a lot of things but this is something I can control and can definitely do for God.
I am following this path not just because of God, even though He is a huge part of it, but for myself too.  I know even if I said that it probably (most likely) wouldn't have changed his mind but at least he would have understood what I was really trying to convey to him.
A guy who loves and respects you enough to follow your values is the kind of person someone should be with.  If that person can't do that then they don't truly love and respect you.  So you have to try and get that person to understand that, otherwise, even as painful as it might be, you have to let that person go.
God will love you no matter what you do.  That is just who He is.  But from the sound of it the guy that we're talking might not truly love Vanessa.
I'm not saying that this is something easy because it's not.  Believe me I know. The guy I was talking about earlier, he was someone I had met and liked instantly when I was 15.  I had met him at a wedding and we had talked that whole Summer but lost contact.  We then got to meet again 5 years later and I liked him even more.  I had always liked him.  We got to know each other a lot better at that point but if he can't respect my values and beliefs I can't be with him.
I am 21 now and will be 22 in February and I have never gone on a date before.  It is hard for me to not have my soul mate, true love, other half, etc. but I just have to remember that this is just God's plan and I have to go through this to got to where I need to be.  I just think of the song Average Girl by BarlowGirl and it helps me get through.  I know that God is writing my love story and like Sleeping Beauty my price will come for me (lyrics from the song).
I know I'm kinda talking to both Vanessa and Brant right now and I'm kinda jumping all over the place but that is just because I'm tired.

Vanessa, I want you to remember this quote: "A girl should be so lost in God, that a boy needs to go to Him to find her."  I don't remember where that quote is from.  Also, listen to the song Give Me One Reason by ZOEgirl.  I really think you will connect with it.

Sorry if this got long or off topic or anything like that.  I tend to ramble sometimes.  ^-^'

With lots of love,
Kayla from Minnesota
1/24/2013 5:58:36 AM
Maggie United States
Maggie
At about 11:35 a.m. on 1/23, there was a comment made by an anonymous man. My boyfriend and I have the same story. I didn't become a Christian until college, and my previous relationship had become physical. I found out that he was unfaithful, we broke up, and I was catapulted into making the decision to follow Christ for the rest of my life. I met my boyfriend on a mission trip almost three years ago, and we have been very dedicated to one another and to following Christ. We have strict physical boundaries that protect both of us from temptation. I know that my past will make things harder for us in our future engagement and marriage, but the grace he shows me in this situation is absolutely Incredible and Christ-like. I know that my Father has offered my soul healing and my life redemption from my past sins. I know that he has done the same for my boyfriend's sins. He has forgiven us both through the blood of His son, so who are we to hold anything against each other? I know Satan will try to use our pasts against us when we pursue marriage. However, he is no match for the one I call Counselor! Although I wish I had not sacrificed the gift of my virginity to an unhealthy, immature relationship, I came to Christ through the heartbreak and He will never leave me or forsake me. This email and responding blog have truly been a tool The Lord has used to put my past, my current (wonderful, God-filled) relationship, and my future in the perspective of His loving plan. Oh to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
1/24/2013 6:51:53 AM
Liz United States
Liz
Brant, that was a very good response.

I have been a sex addict since I was at least 10 years old. My teenage years were very promiscuous and when I finally married at 24, my marriage ended after 7 years, partly because of this addiction.

After we separated, I went back to my old ways. I met someone online in a sex chatroom and we dated for a few months, parting as friends. Over the next 6 years while we dated other people, we continued to talk as friends and share how God was working our lives.

After that 6 years, we were both single again and decided to give dating another try. But this time was different. Over this time, God helped me fight my sexual addiction, I gave up porn and sex clubs, and I experienced celibacy, by choice, for the first time in my life. God was at the center - not our sexual desires. Did we falter? Yes, we did. We courted with the intent of marriage (something I had never experienced before), we got engaged and moved in together. All the while, enjoying physical intimacy.

A month after we moved in together, my fiance said he felt convicted to stop having sex until we were married. I was shocked, but I understood, and agreed. For 8 months until the day we married, we continued to sleep in the same bed every night with just a kiss goodnight. Was it hard? Yes. I remember crying from the frustration and ache of wanting him. He was right in front of me and yet I couldn't have him. I also remember the humbleness we felt when sitting bedside and praying together in that moment, telling God how grateful we were to have this desire for each other, grateful that He brought us together, but to please take the ache away so we could honor Him. Every time our prayer was answered and we remained celibate until we married.

I can look back now and see that those 8 months are one of the times I felt closest to God, and to my now husband.

Vanessa, it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who tries to pull you down. Choose someone who will constantly walk by your side in all things.

And to Kate, who still feels guilt about her sex life even after being married: Stop it! If you have truly repented together about this, then God has forgiven you and forgotten it. You need to do the same. He created sex for marriage, to fully enjoy one another. When you feel guilt, it's like letting the enemy steal from your marriage and take a bite out of this gift God has given to you. Don't let the enemy win! Honor God and make love with your husband guilt free. Smile


1/24/2013 10:12:18 AM
Trina United States
Trina
I was not going to say anything because I know that many people will disagree with me, but it has been on my heart since yesterday. I believe that the boy in this situation was treated unfairly. We all do not know enough about this situation to send extreme judgment his way. He is still our brother in Christ and should be treated as such. We should not be praying for him to "grow up" but rather we should be praying for God to show him conviction. For all we know this boy is feeling the same way, but doesn't know what to do either. There are many boys (and girls) out there that do use their partners selfishly for sex, but we don't know what kind of situation this is. I don't think this email was written very lovingly towards the boy at all.
1/24/2013 1:32:37 PM
Charity United States
Charity
There have been a few comments about the boyfriend being treated unfairly in this situation. To address those, I would say this:

If God is convicting Vanessa of her sin then that is between her and God, that is why she sought counsel.
'I've felt horrible about this, and my relationship with God has almost come to a total standstill.'
Is her relationship with God less important than an earthly relationship (regardless or weather it's a friend or a boyfriend)? If God is more important, than she should be surrounding herself with those people who encourage her faith. This may mean separating from her boyfriend for good while still praying for him in the future.
He may become convicted by God through her actions, or he may follow God later in life while people continue to pray for him.

A relationship with God is eternal, and much more important than any temporary relationship. If a person tries to minister to someone who discourages their faith, then marriage is not the solution!
1/24/2013 1:48:07 PM
Charity United States
Charity
Continued...

I wanted to quote DC Talk from their album Jesus Freak, but I don't have the cd anymore! There is a song that talks about finally saying goodbye to a dear friend that is a constant discouragement in your walk with God.

God created Vanessa and her boyfriend and knows them both intimately. He is not finished trying to get their attention and guiding them back. He will be one step behind each of them the entire time that they are trying to run from him, and walking with them in His arms when they allow Him.

Obviously, they each need prayer and encouragement, but each individual is responsible for being bound to God first and foremost.
1/24/2013 8:04:56 PM
Broken United States
Broken
I'd like bring up something regarding high school and college kids. As our children are being bombarded with sex, drinking and "anything goes" in the world, I still make a point to have conversations with my own from young ages about right and wrong, Godly living, etc.  Guys and girls need to be taught that not only do their dates/significant others belong to God, but that they may have been raised to be pure until marriage and live Godly lives.  Respect their bf/gf AND the parents that raised them!  Don't trample all over what a parent spent so much time instilling in a child for your own selfishness.  It is hurtful and disrespectful to God and parents.  I know because I'm going through this. Now I'm trying to tell my child the repercussions of choices made. I'm trying to rebuild our broken relationship, and I'm praying their shaky relationship ends.  Teens and young adults!!! take to heart the comments from people above.  The bible says to listen to wise counsel....well, it's all right here!  While you may think that premarital sex is ok, it will have it's repercussion.....the gift that was meant for marriage has already been opened and replayed.  there is nothing to look forward to except, as noted above, regret and lackluster marriages.   I am trusting God that He is working in my child and the lightbulb will turn on.  My prayers are for Him to use other people to guide the relationship apart and for my child to live for God and not a selfish person.  Love is blind, but God has healed the blind!
Thank you Air1 for the prayers! And music
1/24/2013 9:11:10 PM
Daisy United States
Daisy
Ahh thanks Brant! I think it's a little crazy that I've been praying for an answer.. Me and my boyfriend just moved in together. This situation has been heavy on my heart! We have failed so many times trying to wait until marriage. Being 20 and 21 year olds we're just living this life as it comes not planning marriage just yet! But I also feel so guilty about it! But you just put it just how I needed this answer to be explained! So after reading this we both decided to wait! He thought you had a very good point!! Thank you so much!
1/25/2013 2:49:38 PM
faith United States
faith
@daisy, that's great that you and your boyfriend have decided to wait however I do encourage you to think about your choice in living together premarriage. God says in his word to not give "An appearance of evil." My husband and I lived together for about 3 months alone before we were married. Neither one of us liked it and knew it was nit how Good intended it and thank God we remained pure so I know it can be done however there is alot of temptation in living together before marriage. We must never give the enemy a foothold in our lives. I decided during that time of living with  with my husband now but boyfriend then to go back to my parents.  I encourage you to pray about this. God bless
1/27/2013 9:11:10 AM
Abraham United States
Abraham
Please Read Brant and Respond ..Tell me what you think >.<
To All,

I feel that on my recent post I treated both equally for one did not do more wrong than the other. Both did the same wrong and this does not necessarily mean that the girl should leave the boy. I feel that both of them were simply not considering God at the time of their desires and pleasure. However, I believe when that desire starts going away and not being as strong. People have a moment to stop and think. The girl is finally thinking of what she is doing and the boy is not necessarily doing the same thinking she is. It is normal to see such a thing because when one does a sin and feels guilty at first but then does it again and feels less guilty. Then, commits this sin for so long, it just becomes a trivial thing to oneself.  Think about it, if person starts saying a small lie and sees that lying works and then keeps lying. What do you think that person is going to do? He/she is going to keep lying and their lies may even be bigger. Yes, they may feel guilty at first but then that guilt slowly fades as they see lying works to their advantage.
Until, something goes wrong or something is inching at them from the inside. The work of God? Could be. The person becoming wiser? Could be. The person considering God?  Could be. The working of the Good nature that God has given us after himself since the day of creation?  Could be. There could be many reasons why she started considering God now instead of back then when they both committed this sin. But, I know God only allows certain things to happen until HE sees the right timing to truly change your heart from the inside out. So, you can truly change in countenance and in all your being in love, faith, and hope. And righteousness to you is given 7 fold and is immeasurable.
Think back to Job, God allowed satan to do so many things to Job. His kids got taken away, his wife got taken away, he lost the trust of his friend and quarreled with them (although they were man of God), and even HIS own flesh was tormented. But, why did God allow that? Well, if anything we have learned from reading the Bible is that God knows the heart of people. God knew that Job’s children were bad for it says in the Bible that each one of Job's sons celebrated their birthday according to their day. Thus, Job was concerned with what they were doing on those celebrations. God knew Job had a bad wife for Job's wife told him to curse God and die; truly a bad wife. Job’s friends questioned him and quarreled with him thinking Job had done wrong. However, a thing they agreed on is to make sacrifices and prayed with Job (God knew Job's friends). Job's flesh got tormented but HE still trusted God more than anyone else (Once again God knew Job's heart).
So, as you can see God knows when to work on your life and how to grow you, mature you, nurture you, and refine you for all the impurities to come to the surface and be slated away so only your pureness remains; like Gold or like it says in Malachi (I think, exept with silver or something like that I can’t remember that well  >:3).
Also, why do people don’t think about God first and always end up missing certain things they could have done.   >.>  For example, it does indeed say that where there are 2 or more people congregated in HIS name he will be there, right? It does.
Does marriage have to be before God or the Church? Does marriage have to be before people? Well, it definitely has to be before God and well it is not wrong to do it before the Church and in front of people.  Does marriage need a piece a paper from the City Hall to be legitimate? Not necessarily. Although, it is not wrong to do and it is a good thing to do.  Now, I have to ask myself do I want my marriage presented before God or people? Definitely in front of God.
The thing about marriage is that people think they have to go to a church to get married or have a piece of paper to be married. People don’t like going through that hassle and well they don’t think or consider the word of God and the heart of God. They consider more the people or the Church more than God and put them or it above HIM.  I think that is one of the reasons we end up missing the point of presenting marriage before God. Sure, you can marry in front of the Church and hear the lines the pastor says but if your heart is truly not before God then what’s the point. Is it really presenting it before God?  I mean it is not wrong to marry in the church and do something that is right because if you do it in front of people and they are truly believers then God is really in there. For in communion of the brethren God is among them.  I guess it’s a way to secure this principle in a way, “Presenting marriage before God.” But, where would my heart be in this if I did not consider God and just did it by tradition. It would be seen right by other people and it would be right to do. Anyway, I think I strayed of a little on those last 3 or 4 sentences.
My point is if there were two people that had not had intimacy and decided to pray earnestly to God to be married and they brought vows or planned accordingly to bring it before God.  Is this not marriage? Of course it is. What if this people were truly full of the wisdom of God and decided they wanted spent the rest of their lives together, divorce is not an option for they know the will of God, and well they use the word of God as reproof and instruction for each other and got married by simply praying an earnest prayer and planned according to bring their vows before HIM. Is this not marriage? Of course it is.
My advice to the girl and the boy is to truly consider the word of God (read it) and HIS heart. Hold off on your bodily desires and repent of this sin and know the peace of God. Then, when you have known God more and truly feel comfortable in spending the rest of your life with whom you’re with right now.  Consider what I have said and hopefully you grow wiser and decide how you’re going to present your marriage before God and what will please your heart and God’s heart.  Who knows maybe an invitation? XD
May the LORD GOD BLESS YOU ALL and HIS PEACE BE WITH YOU
Sincerely,
Abraham …this didn’t take long XD
  
1/27/2013 9:12:50 AM
Abraham United States
Abraham
Is there anywhere I could send the word document I wrote of my previous comment, Brant?

I mean it will be easier to read and  understand.

>.< ...   >:3
1/27/2013 8:38:27 PM
Victoria United States
Victoria
Thanks so much Brant!  I heard you on the radio and I was intrigued for I have been in a relationship like this for 5 years.  
It's so painful  for I don't know if we will ever get married.  He says that he will pay off his  in 3 years and then  we get married.  I feel he is using this time to see if a better person comes into his life.  As if I'm a Mongol, and he is awaiting  a puppy with papers.  He keeps me on a string by giving me gifts and attention, when I try and pull away.  Yes, the intimacy is wrong, however, when someone is sitting next to you in Chruch and praises the lord, it's hard to see what is right.  please pray for me.  
1/28/2013 7:43:31 PM
Victoria United States
Victoria
B i u quote
1/29/2013 9:39:41 AM
Jaime United States
Jaime
Thank you so much!!!  This is the BEST radio station to listen to and all of you guys have been such an inspiration to listen to!!!  This is one the best advice columns I have read in a long time period.  It was absolutely 100% TRUE every word you said.  Gods WORD IS THE TRUTH and us people don't make the MORAL LAWS of the world today.  Once you lay with someone and your souls intertwine so does any "baggage" that a person is carrying.  In essence it can be really dangerous laying with someone that has personal issues in life or unclean spirits lingering around their life.  It sounds like the devil himself put Vanessa right into his "temptation trap" and is now slapping her with the guilt stick.  I'm 33 years old and am starting over in life and I made a promise to God and myself that I will never lay in bed until there's vows exchanged between my husband and me in the house of Christ.  Once you have the feeling of the Holy Spirit thats a feeling you NEVER WANT TO LET GO OF.  God Bless you Brant and Vanessa!!!  
1/30/2013 5:28:06 PM
Mel United States
Mel
Brant,
well said! I would like to recommend a book for "Vanessa." It's a Christian book. "The Invisible Bond: How to break free from your sexual Past" by Barbara Wilson. And I would recommended it for anyone! Especially teens who may be thinking about sex. You don't have to have a sexual past to read this book and get something valuable from it!
God bless you, Vanessa and all others!
1/31/2013 9:28:46 AM
whitney United States
whitney
brant,
i just wanted to thank you for your caring, loving and honest response to this girl. i do know that so many believers (women especially) struggle with this, and i SO appreciate your willingness to call our her boyfriend on his selfishness. there are far too many men who call themselves Christians but who take advantage of their girlfriends' desire & need to be loved by demanding (or "strongly encouraging") that they have sex with them. so much damage is done to both parties, and i wish more people were willing to speak out about this issue!
thank you!
2/1/2013 6:51:32 PM
BK United States
BK
Hi Brant,

Your take on take on this was excellent.  Before my husband and I were engaged/married this same thing happened to me.  I felt very convicted that I was doing the WRONG thing and he didn't think anything of it because he was a brand new Christian.  After many sleepless nights praying that God would convict his heart, he sat down with me and said I need to move out and stop being intimate until we get married.  That was the BEST answer to prayer I had ever had because it showed me that this man whom I really love(d) wanted to honor me and cared about my feelings even though he still did not quite understand.  Fast forward five years we are happily married and look back on those times of major teaching and growth for the both of us.  I pray for "Vanessa" that she has the courage to be serious with her man and that her guy will step up and be a true man that God wants him to be.      
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