Sep 11 2011
Some (Seriously) Mature Reading Material, and a Plea for Advice

I got this email, and, over time, many like it.  She'll remain anonymous:

A listener, in her early 20s, confronted her boyfriend with what she found in his online "history" record. She was very surprised. And very disappointed.

She talked to him about it, but he said it wasn't his, without offering explanation. Then he said he was sorry she was hurt, but -- curiously -- would still not acknowledge that he had accessed the websites in question. She's sadly, and completely, convinced he's not being honest.

She wanted to talk more about it, and even felt sorry for him (she realizes this is an issue for almost all men, at least at the temptation level), but he was angrily unwilling to deal with it.

She likes him, of course. But her question was this:  Given this situation, should she continue a marriage-track-type relationship with him?

Your thoughts...?  Humble advice, perhaps borne of experience, is welcome.

Comments (101) -

9/11/2011 7:14:49 PM
Michelle United States
Michelle
To the woman who is dealing with a boyfriend that isn't willing to talk about his internet habits...I would not continue on with a relationship with a man who cannot be brutally honest and admit his struggles. This does not show that he is willing to work on this issue or change. Some people feel that what people do on the internet is just that...on the internet. BUt, it is a reflection on what they are putting into their hearts and minds; Proverbs 4:23-27 states: "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil."
9/11/2011 7:17:08 PM
angela United States
angela
more than likely if i was in this situation and he continued to not talk about it, admit it, and or change it then i would probably separate myself from him.  my husband of five years had a hidden problem i was unaware of it until after we were married and would not have married him if i had known.  now, since divorce is not an option for me, all i can do is hope he overcomes it.  
9/11/2011 7:28:02 PM
gail United States
gail
She really needs to consider how important her relationship with this guy is.  If he is someone that she feels is supposed to be in her life forever, then they have to talk it through and recognize that it is a problem.  I found out the my husband had this problem before we were married but we had addressed it briefly and I thought that it was enough.  However, soon after our marriage I discovered that he was again struggling with his self control.  After a lot of really hard conversations we purchased a computer program that monitors and blocks those sites.  After a few years I still check with him every once in a while and keep the program as a safety precaution, but the Lord has helped him overcome this issue.

She first needs to analyze if he Lord wants her to continue in this relationship and if he does then she must talk with him about it, no matter how awkward it is.
9/11/2011 7:33:05 PM
Andrew Canada
Andrew
To the young lady. I'm a guy. I have struggled deeply with this issue, and still battle it. Should you stay with him? That depends on a few things.
1) Are you "in love"? or do you deeply love and care for him, and want the best for him no matter what?
2) Are you willing to walk this road with him, even though he doesn't want to admit there is a problem? Are you committed to him on that level?

3) Are you aware there are Christian groups who are focused on this particular issue (i.e. XXXChurch)?

I cannot in good conscience say "leave him" but I know how much it can hurt those around me. I also know that its not something I can handle alone.

I don't pretend to have answers. Only you know how much you care for him, and how much you are willing to invest yourself (and risk getting hurt) if you continue. It's up to you. Just know that if you do walk with him it will be VERY hard. Are you willing to risk that hurt to see him overcome this battle?
9/11/2011 7:39:29 PM
Kimberly United States
Kimberly
His struggle isn't the issue, his honesty and integrity are the issue.  If he can't be honest about this, he won't be honest about other things.  My husband has struggles in this area, but he's always honest with me about it.

Love isn't enough.  There has to be a foundation of integrity and honesty that the love can be built on.

My advice is to end the relationship.  You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and he's made his willingness to lie evident.
9/11/2011 7:46:02 PM
Jan United States
Jan
She should count herself blessed that God has allowed her to find out now!   Why put herself in a marriage where this could cause so much misery for the rest of her life.....  God is giving her the chance to be delivered from that..
9/11/2011 7:52:10 PM
Christian Wife of Sex Addict United States
Christian Wife of Sex Addict
To the young woman who is wondering if she should pursue the relationship with the man who visits questionabe internet sites.  I too was walking in your shoes and we ultimately married after he made committments to end his ventures and return to seeking the Lord. Here we are 13 years later and multiple episodes of continued internet inappropriateness & magazines.  Anyway, this last time (just a mere 30 days ago) I told him he had to leave and that I could not live in a situation that I could not trust the man who is supposed to be leading us in the way's of the Lord.  Too much heartache and no feet on his prayers. He sought out help as he learned he was a sex addict joined a mens ministry that focuses on healing the addiction through the Lord. Certainly I see changes but I am very careful and don't trust or believe much of what he says, it will only be by changes in his behavior that I will know he is on the right path, and honestly, so far so good but it is early yet.  We speak openly of the addiction and the affect it has on our marriage. He takes whatever I dish out as the smallest thing sets me off as the pain runs deep. He know's I may still have him leave but I am leaning on the Lord for all the direction yet to come.  You see everytime the spirit inside me stirred that somenthing wasn't right I asked the Lord to reveal it to me and He did.  This is how I found out that my husband was still involved in unhealthy viewings. My husband has taken full responsibility each and every time he got caught but this time not only is he taking responsiblity for his actions but the damage he has done to me and the marriage. The program for men with this addiction is put on by Life Ministry's and based upon a 12 step concept but is Christ centered.  I don't know yet what I am going to do as healing is slow and painful but what I do know, is if I had been able to see the pain and damage that was in our future I would not have continued in the relationship prior to being married.  The covenent of marriage is not to be taken lightly so leaving a marriage is not always an option.  However, the Lord makes it very clear on how He deals with lust.  I was over taken with "love" in the early days and easily put aside all that was wrong, but today I am just surviving.  Time will tell what the Lord has in store and my committment is to Him.  My husband is doing everything he can right now to make the needed changes, he is being obedient to the Lord and he has begun daily bible readings with me again. He seems committed to heal, talks regularly with other Christian men, attends weekly meetings and seems to be working at righting his wrongs. It's a struggle for sure and I encourage you to guard yourself.  My story could be your future. The Lord will give you the right person if you wait on Him.  For me, well, I do not know what tomorrow will bring but whatever it is I am thankful as I learn more about Jesus as the sun rises each day.  Pray for us and I will pray for you.  This is a terrible addiction which must be healed before any steps are taken towards marriage.  Woman to woman, do not pursue this and seek the Lord on a mate that He wants for you to have.  I will pray that you avoid this very harmful relationship in it's present state...  
9/11/2011 7:53:27 PM
Christina United States
Christina
Definitely an integrity issue. Question is what else is he hiding??? 20 is still young. I say chalk it up to relationship experience and move on. Stay pure in a relationship with Christ and with that right Christ-centered relationship and emotional maturity. The right man will appear in God's time! Stay strong and pure!!!!!! I'm praying for you!!! -sincerely Recovered Sex-addict 3 yrs sexually sober.  
9/11/2011 7:56:12 PM
Cathy United States
Cathy
Gah that's rough. It's hard and it's not as easy as leave him or don't.  Everyone struggles and most people aren't completely honest about it.  Maybe he was thrown off and thought if he was honest she would leave him, or that he could get it under control.  Depending on where they are in the relationship it may be worth it to sit down and have another conversation.  Be honest with him, are you willing to stick by him if he admits it and gets some help, not even professional help, but help and accountability. If he's not willing to do that then I dunno.  I would imagine he's probably embarrassed.  I know I usually am when I'm caught doing something I shouldn't, and I know I worry how that will affect that relationship. I'm not saying give him another chance but it's worth considering.  Is it in his nature to be dishonest? I mean has he been dishonest with you before about other stuff? If he's been honest with you up to this point then that might be worth considering.  Also if it's not his then he should be able to explain to you how it got there. That's not unreasonable. I think also if he's safe enough to do so and you haven't already explaining how you feel to him ya know using "I" statements. could be helpful, when people feel like they're being attacked they get defensive and shut down.  If he can't talk to you about it, or own up to it, then what kind of marriage could you really have with him? Just a few thoughts, hope they're helpful.
9/11/2011 8:01:48 PM
Shawna United States
Shawna
Such a difficult topic for everyone involved, yet one that affects more than anyone would like to admit.  God made us sexual beings, yet he gave sex a definite purpose.  He intended for sex to be between two individuals wholly committed to one another; a man and a woman in a holy bond of matrimony (Genesis 2: 23-25).  Unfortunately, we are sinful beings who are drawn to sinful things.  He understands this, but wants us to follow the path he has laid out for us.  Sex is a temptation, just like alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.  Some people fall into these temptations more easily than others, but everyone is susceptible (Romans 3:10).  Can a person change? YES!  Jesus gives us that opportunity!  But he/she has to be willing.  All we can do is pray, be supportive, but we can not condone.  Show the love that Christ showed, but you also have to let him/her know that that there is only one path of righteousness. (2 Timothy 2:22-26)
9/11/2011 8:03:07 PM
Olivia United States
Olivia
It is my opinion that she should end the relationship.  Porn is a problem, it's an issue that a lot of guys (and therefore couples) deal with.  I would never suggest ending a relationship over a porn problem.  I suggest ending it because he is not even willing to admit to himself (or likely God) that there is a problem.  That is a recipe for a festering sore in a marriage.  If God intends to convict him on the issue and turn him around, then He will do that. If God intends for the two of them to be together then He will redeem the situation and she will not have any doubts about marrying him.  I had to tell my husband once that I would not be with him because he was not a Christian (even though he was the father of my child).  God worked in his life and now I am married to the father of my child, who is also a Christian.  I have NO doubts about what God did in my life or who He wanted me to marry when the time came.  If her boyfriend is not capable of admitting there is a problem and is not repentant, then she should not marry him.  When God changes those things, then maybe she should, but if so, she will know without a doubt.
9/11/2011 8:04:20 PM
Crystal United States
Crystal
I'd love to send her the couples Fireproof bible study that my husband and I used (he struggles with this too). I'd also love to be there for her to chat as a wife of a man with the same issues. Please email me and let me know if I can send this to her, etc
9/11/2011 8:27:09 PM
Tamara United States
Tamara
I would like to tell her that it is not her fault. From one who has been there, his habits are not due to a lack in you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made with a special purpose all your own.  

Unfortunately, now those images are burnt in your mind also.  I am sorry and have you in my prayers.

Please seek God in this matter, it is of utmost importance that you wait for that still small voice. I think you have already heard, but maybe wish there was another answer.  I would like to warn you that when many become addicted to this issue, it does not stop there.  It can get worse.  On a child's computer, when responsible for the child, or unattended around the child. This happened in my family.  

The types can degenerate, then they can begin to rationalize it that ...This addiction is soo very dangerous to the spiritual and physical well being of a family. May God wrap a hedge of protection around you and yours, and let no lasting effects of evil linger.

God Bless
9/11/2011 8:48:38 PM
Bethany United States
Bethany
What if he *truly* didn't look at those websites? I know the odds are against it, but what if he was angry because he really was innocent (it was a brother/roommate/friend)?

Should she end the relationship?

I'd say yes. Not because of the porn and not because he could be lying, but because she doesn't trust him. If you can't trust what someone says, you can't build a relationship with them. It really doesn't matter whether he's telling the truth or not.

If he's lying about it, it's a relationship killer. If he's being falsely accused, it's a relationship killer. Either way, it seems like God has something (someone) else in mind for both of them.
9/11/2011 9:19:27 PM
Jason Canada
Jason
Well, we all get caught looking at emerging church websites now and then, but I think there can be forgiveness for it.
9/11/2011 9:31:57 PM
Stacey United States
Stacey
I am surprised by how judgmentally people are reacting and ready to help her throw him under the bus. Yes, what he is doing is wrong. Yes, it is a problem. Yes, he lied about it. Christian or not, who reading and commenting on this blog hasn't done something they are ashamed of and because of that shame did not own up to it right away? We all do things we are not proud of, thing we know are immoral and wrong. Because we were not in the room with them, we have no idea how the conversation went down. Maybe her reaction and how she approached him kept him from fessing up and saying "yes, I have a problem". I don't know many men who have not viewed inappropriate material at some point or another. Do I end my friendships with them? my relationships? Are they no longer Christian because they have fallen short and sinned? No. We all have our vices whether we want to admit it or not. I have, in church, heard people gossip about others without regard to who it hurts. I have heard people needlessly berating their children and crushing their little spirits. I have seen people in church overweight from overeating. I have seen pastors who are engaged in  infidelity, youth pastors purposely stirring up trouble in families. All of it is sinful. We all struggle with something. Every. single. day. Maybe God does have something else in mind for them, but maybe he knows that she can be good for him and help him overcome his "addiction".
9/11/2011 10:51:37 PM
Verna United States
Verna
This is an issue that I firmly believe most, if not all, men struggle with. Maybe not in am active, internet-surfing way, but in temptations at the least.
  I did not know my husband struggled with this area until after we were married, and I would never reverse my decision to marry him. That said, this issue had caused unspeakable pain to me personally, to my husband, and untold damage to our marriage. It sucks. It hurts. And my Jesus heals, saves, restores.
  On a practical, day to day level, my husband has asked me to put computer filters in place and not tell him the password, to unsubscribe from Victoria's Secret catalogs, and most importantly to ask him frequently if he is struggling. And I have implemented an open door policy. If he is seriously struggling with temptation he can come and talk to me about it without fear of repercussion and we will pray together.
   Also...the laptop and iPods might disappear for a day or two ;)
9/11/2011 11:29:18 PM
K.J. United States
K.J.
I first stumbled across my husband's online history about a month before our wedding day. It caught me completely off guard and I can't even begin to explain the feelings I had. He said he would change, and I decided to go along with the wedding.
I made my decision to continue forward based on the hope that things would be different. That was not a good reason. Unfortunately, changing was not and has not been easy or permanent. In his mercy, God has brought both of us up from the bottom. But there has been and continues to be a lot of pain. There was pain because his addiction brought to light every single one of my insecurities about myself. There was pain because I couldn't understand how I wasn't "enough" for him. There was pain because I felt that I was alone.
Looking back, the advice I would give to this precious daughter of the Creator is to make your decision carefully. What effect does his addiction have on you personally? Would you marry him, praying he will be free, but loving him even if he doesn't change? Those are questions I don't think anyone can answer for you, and you might have to wrestle it out with God to find the answer.
9/12/2011 3:28:47 AM
Noeiza United States
Noeiza
I know a girl. That got involved in this relationship with the one that, now its the father of her son. At the beginning of the relationship, she found a lot of porno in his bathroom. She was devastaded. And tore all the trash, and had a big figjht with him, she thought it was gonna help.
But when they got together, somehow she was convinced to satisfy her man by both of them on watching videos together,  she ended up leaving him. For another man,  cuz she found the best man in the world, and that man is Jesus Christ
she didn't want to live that same life style so called" sex drugs, and rock and roll" anymore, so it was the best decition,  for her son, and her. She gave her son the best gift any parent can give to their kids "Jesus"plus she brought him up in Judeo  Christian beliefs, and the fear of the Lord. 15 years later past by
Now 2 years ago Her son now lives with the dad , and sorry to say this, but sometimes she visits her son, and she still finds porno in his room. So my advise its to not get in a relationship where pornografy its involved, its heartbreaking, cus that man its having a relation ship with many women, and he needs help.
9/12/2011 4:40:01 AM
Arike Netherlands
Arike
People once asked Jane Austen how she, a female writer, could write a scene between two men. She said she imagined them to be human.

In my personal experience, women get as horny and tempted as men. Only, we tend to read more racy romance novels than watch x-rated TV. The writing doesn't end at the bedroom door these days. Also, we don't talk about it.

So.

That said, I have a question for you: have you tried being vulnerable first? As in, he makes mistakes, you makes mistakes, he feels guilt, you feel guilt, he feels hurt, you feel hurt, he feels insecure, you feel insecure. We're not so different really.

These conversations often go a lot easier if it is an equal trade. I'm not married, but I often find that difficult discussions about taboo topics with family only succeed when I fess up first.

And don't mince words. Talking becomes very painful very quickly if you can only talk in euphemisms. I've tried. Very soon, there will be blushing and avoiding of eye contact, until you get up to go make coffee to escape the awkwardness. It's self-defeating.

After speaking to him, get a guy to talk to him. Preferably someone who feels his pain, but is further along in the healing process of it, so he can get tips. This is, assuming he has a problem and he's willing to work on it.

And for relationship advice: 
Can you trust him?
Can he trust you?
Can both of you handle the emotional investment and potential pain?
Do you both have supportive people around you?

If yes, please continue, this sort of test can bring you so much closer as a couple. If no, as someone who was ditched halfway healed from depression once, I tell you, do not start what you cannot finish.

It hurts a lot to find someone loves you conditionally after all. 

I pray God will help you and him both to have confidence and trust. I also hope the Bible can help you mediate, not just as a moral guidebook. Above all, I hope you find love for him and in him, in God and in those around you. May He bless you and keep you, now and in whatever choices you make.

Faithfully yours,

A fellow redeemed sinner and insecure female
9/12/2011 5:29:04 AM
Sara United States
Sara
I wouldn't pursue the relationship. I am tired of being told that "all guys struggle with it." I think it is a cop out.

Men, you need to stop making excuses.
9/12/2011 7:17:09 AM
Leah United States
Leah
It really depends on how deeply in love you are and if the relationship is worth it to you.  So many men struggle with this problem it is just astounding.  I have heard it is becoming the number one problem in marriages.

I too was surprised to find that my husband of 11 years was deeply deeply addicted to pornography and managed to hide it for 11 years.  Here we are 6 years later, on the brink of our 17th anniversary and still together.

It has been a very difficult battle for me.  His addiction has ruined my self confidence and has made me so insecure.  I never dreamed I would ever feel so inadequate and unsure of myself.  I am in Christian therapy to try to help me deal with it.  He promises he is devoted to me and no longer is addicted but I still have my doubts.  It has also made me doubt his fidelity to me.

It's a slippery slippy slope.  Consider it very carefully and pray pray pray.
9/12/2011 8:15:28 AM
Lauren
Lauren
I agree with what Sara said.

Unless you think you can change and fix this situation, you should break up with him.

I know it's hard to register in you mind and even in your heart but also think of the famous question, WWJD?

Be careful (of course) with what you say and do, but like Leah said, pray pray pray.
Hope this helps

Peace&Love
9/12/2011 8:30:43 AM
Jorge United States
Jorge
Sara said: "I am tired of being told that "all guys struggle with it." I think it is a cop out."

She is right and not the only woman out there who feels this way. I'm a guy, I struggle with it. But at one point in my life I had to realize that if I continued to go down that route it was going to destroy me. Is easy for a guy to hide behind the "we all struggle with it" and do nothing about it. - tell me about it.

You know, God calls us to be the spiritual leads of the household. Is hard to be one when there's this big elephant roaming around in a man's life. If he truly wants to be the man God has called him to be, he would not have any problems admitting the sin and setting up boundaries. Transparent accountability and if needed, psychological treatment. Guys, come on, we know we are extremely visually stimulated. This is an issue that has to be tackled with extreme measures.

So I would say wait until he admits and sets up boundaries. If he doesn't, is up to you to decide. But don't hold any expectations of him being the Godly spiritual leader of your household.

I will one day date someone, and tell her about my struggles with this sin. I will point her to my accountability partners and add her to my accountability software email list. Be open about what I am watching on TV, show her the detailed cable bills of the movies I buy. Why, because like many other woman have said, this affects them big time too. And if I can do anything in my power to clear any doubt she may have, I will. For our relationship's sake.

Hopefully she'll stick with me after I tell her all that. But I would totally get it if she decides to walk away.

So know that there are good man out there who might also struggle with this temptation but have set boundaries around them that don't allowed them to fall into the sin. Never stop asking the hard questions, even if it leads to a break up.
9/12/2011 10:30:51 AM
Nicole United States
Nicole
Everyone has an opinion!
Here's the dealio...listen openly for God to tell you what to do and follow your heart!!

First all...sex is not a dirty word that we don't speak about! Just because someone enjoys it doesn't make them bad! God made marriage and sex, so we need to stop squelching our desires and call them evil! How we handle them makes them good or bad.
Second, men can compartmentalize. They can have sex and it could mean nothing to them. Love and the act of sex is different.
Third, as women we need to accept that we are wired differently than men,
But, here's a few questions i have in regards to some of the more "angry, unforgiving" sounding women.
3.) Are you pushing your man away by nagging, making snide comments to him because of his behavior? -As hard as it is, forgive and let God have your pain...bitterness has no place in a marriage.

4.) Are you taking care of your man's needs? Are you willing to fulfill his fantasies and be his queen? -there needs to be boundaries! You are the center of his world and you need to satisfy him and keep him addicted to you. Don't give him an excuse to go looking elsewhere.

5.)Is your relationship open and equal in rank? -it is a partnership not a battle of wills, work together for everything. Love on him and tell him how wonderful he is at this or how amazing he looks in that suit. He is yours, revel in that. Respect his opinion, listen to him!

6.) Take care of yourself...dress up, shower, paint your nails, exercise, eat right! Be a hot mama! just wow him every day. -this is a two-sided sword. You look and feel amazing and it helps your self confidence and he wants to see you look hot! Guys are visual!

7.)Self-confidence: As women we see other women as rivals and compete. God made us special, one of a kind. So stop comparing and competing!! See the beauty in yourself and stop letting "porn stars" make you feel inferior! i have strippers as friends, they are just like you and me. They hate what they do, but they don't know how to leave that world. they're sad people, hurting! They want what you have, a life, a husband, kids...don't be envying that 20 minutes your husband is watching them. Get him in bed with you, because he married you, he loves you!!

8.) You cannot change anyone. -Only God has the power to change someone's heart. Stop trying to make your husband/boyfriend be something he is not ready to be yet!! Accept them for who they are!Pray for them, the prayers of wives and mothers are special to God and carry such power behind them.  

I am not conventional and i know it may be offensive to some. God gave me an ability to see in colors when others see in black and white. Look at your world with open eyes and an open heart, you'll be amazed at the beauty.
You may not understand, but this i know for sure...anger, bitterness, resentment is not what God is about!! Jesus came to the lost and showed mercy, love, forgiveness, and peace. Just love your man!!  
9/12/2011 11:28:38 AM
Leah United States
Leah
Wow Nicole.  Obviously you have no idea what anyone here is talking about and it is not something you have had to deal with.  I was going to respond to each of you points individually but I decided that would be a waste of time.  Shame on you for coming on here and being so hurtful on a topic you know nothing about.  For a porn addict it doesn’t matter what “I” do for him.  I am a beautiful and desirable woman that has always been more than available to my husband.  What you need to understand that deep seated addiction impairs their ability to have a normal relationship.  The porn become more important than anything to them.  It’s about the visualization and the many many different faces.  To educate yourself a little better go to xxxchurch.com and see what real men with this addiction have to say about their problems.  Read what John Mayer has to say about porn and see if that changes you compassion for what us real women have had to deal with.  It is obvious you are very young and immature so I forgive you for what you don’t know about.
9/12/2011 12:16:43 PM
Martin United States
Martin
I would like to second the comments made by Jorge and Nicole.  Men do something about it... women, please make an effort to understand what you are dealing with.  It is an addiction similar to drugs and alcohol, but in many ways is different.

Men who have this issue do not always see it is an issue because they can compartmentalize this (we are wired differently).  Men also experience "slideshows" in their minds of the stuff they have seen and unbelievable "random" urges to satisfy the intensity.

That being said, it truly takes an act of God to help a man heal from this.  If the man is not a professing Christian, he will not defeat this. In many cases, if he is, he may not defeat it. It requires an understanding of man's natural brokenness and God's unbelievable mercy to send a Savior to rescue him and belief in that Savior, the Christ Jesus.  That Savior is also his Lord who must be obeyed and worshipped. It also requires knowing that, though he is broken, there is Satan who will constantly be attempting to tear that man down and make him doubt his salvation with "Ha, you did it again, you are worthless".  I Cor. 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."  LOOK FOR THE WAY OUT!!!  It requires people around him understanding these things as well.

To some who have written in castigating this young man I give you Christ's own words from John 8 (read this to know the context): "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."  Do not be so hasty to make this sin so much worse than others, for that is a slippery slope and is not biblical (Romans 3:23, 6:23).

To the young lady and young man whom this is about and those in like situations, they need to seek pre-marital counseling from a pastor.  It may help open his eyes.  He should be confronted, not by her, but by someone who is impartial and can bring the weight of Scripture to the matter.  I recommend they read "Love and Respect" by Dr. Eggerich.  It is an eye opener.

An after note: Anger is often the best way to identify an idol in one's life.  If you are angrily defending something, you most likely raised that thing onto a pedestal that shouldn't be there.  Defend the gospel and Christ!  Not your own needs and wants!

These are the ramblings of a man who has been so blessed by God through Christ Jesus in the defeat of this sin.  My wife wanted out, but she has seen me fight through this only by the power of the Holy Spirit.  I can't say I am no longer tested by Satan, that will not end until I am in glory.  But I do know what I am dealing with and constantly seek the Holy Spirit for help.  Christ defeated this sin in my life, I am white as snow!  Now I need constant remindings of that fact!
9/12/2011 12:57:47 PM
Martin United States
Martin
Quick Edit... I second Leah, not Nicole.
9/12/2011 1:33:57 PM
Lauren
Lauren
wow Leah. And im 12.
9/12/2011 1:40:47 PM
Nicole United States
Nicole
Wow, obviously hit a nerve there for people! I am not naive or "young" and i have seen more than most!! i have walked in on incest, i have family who are sex addicts and child molesters...so don't speak for me please and tell me i know nothing about life! i never said porn was right, but i will not condemn it over any other sin. i am right...you can't change someone, you have to let God! Love your man for who he is, accept him, and let God have control of that situation. we all have areas to overcome...
There's so many reasons to be guarded or reasons tempers are ignited...i'm not afraid to be put on the chopping block. Thank you but...i don't really need your forgiveness. I'm okay with people's opinions and them being different than mineSmile
9/12/2011 1:52:44 PM
Brandon United States
Brandon
Sin is a very serious thing (no matter the sin). We are told in Scripture that it separates us from God. I knew a girl in college who was engaged to a man and she broke off the engagement because she found this kind of thing on his computer. She told him that she would not be in a relationship with someone who did not find her to be enough. She gave both of them some space and an opportunity to change (but did not burden herself with having to be the one to change him). They later got back together but split again because he had not changed. I am in no way saying that people cannot overcome sexual addictions, but it is a very difficult process that takes a lot of time. It is not fair to this young woman to feel like she needs to be the one to get him to admit to his sins and get him into recovery. As the man, he should be leading their relationship toward Christ, not the other way around. She should let him know that she does expect change and leave the choice up to him (change or end the relationship). If he does not view the relationship important enough to admit to his sins and change, then he does not deserve her. Too many times we sugar coat sins and let it go on for way too long. The Bible does not teach that we do this. He has a problem and needs to realize how serious it is.
9/12/2011 3:24:50 PM
Olivia United States
Olivia
Here Here Brandon. If she were already married to him, or if he was willing to admit there was a problem, then my advice would be different, but she shouldn't have to "fix" a man before she can marry him.  She needs to give the situation over to God, and I believe that in this case, that means ending the relationship.  That does not mean that she hates him or judges him or refuses to show him God's love and grace.  It means that he is not ready to be a husband at this time and either God will get him ready and bring them back together or He will send her the man He intends for her.  
9/12/2011 3:31:40 PM
Michelle United States
Michelle
Nicole, I understand your comment; in marriage the wife has taken an oath before God to love her husband in "sickness and in health". I understand your comment that the woman should not engage in the sin by trying to change the husband. The young woman that initially wrote the email does not have to stay in the relationship. She is not married. What is so difficult about this "sin", addiction or any other kinds of addiction is that it does not stop at just viewing internet inappropriateness. This develops into a much larger issue. I, too, was faced with this when my husband, the Father of my child, was caught by me on the internet viewing these types of sites. I was 8 months pregnant. I was so sad. He had been hiding it from me and it had developed into other issues; chat rooms, getting phone numbers etc...Soon, he wanted more. He began going to night clubs (just watching, he told me, not touching). Of course, we had a huge conversation about it. He and I are Christians and really wanted a Christ-centered relationship and a Christ-centered home. He sought help from the Pastor at our Church and went to support groups. Unfortunately, his heart was not into changing. I realized at that time it was much larger than I had known. I went to support groups, too. I surrendered it all to the Lord. Prayed daily for him and for me to now let it have power over my life. In these types of situations, the family becomes just as sick as the individual participating in this obsessive addictive behavior. When my son was 3 months old, his Father acted on his obsession (wanting more than just viewing on internet) and met up with some of these women in chat rooms, in person. It progressed to drugs, sex with other women etc...I had to leave. One of the most difficult decisions I had to ever make. God has healed me from this and I have the best son ever, and a remarkable man whom I married 4 yrs. later. I am so glad I sought help (counseling, support groups) when I did. God's Grace and Mercy is real and abundant.
9/12/2011 3:47:48 PM
Joshuah United States
Joshuah
Speaking from a man who has had this ruin his marriage I can say that it is a very hard and deceiful addiction that grips way too many men and marriages. It really depends on where you feel God is leading you. If you feel he is the one God is leading you towards then you need to realize that it is not your fault. This sin is not because of anything you did. It is a selfish sin and it is something he will probably always struggle with, but it is something he can conquer through the Lord Jesus. I conquered it eventually but it cost me my marriage in the meantime. Since you are not married it is up to you what you feel God leading you to do. If you do decide to leave him as hard as that is it maybe the only way it jolts him enough to wake up. That is what my wife leaving me did. You might try talking to a youth minister or senior minister that he is close to our his dad to see if they could give you insight into his personality.
9/12/2011 3:50:55 PM
Kate United States
Kate
To the young lady who is very unsure if she should continue her relationship, I would strongly advise against it.  I was married to a man who had a very unhealthy internet obsession outside of our marriage and was dishonest about everything else for six years.  After we divorced, I sought counseling, I was almost sure it was my fault, but with proper professional help and God's guidance and a very supportive family, I was able to heal.  
9/12/2011 3:56:03 PM
Kaylee United States
Kaylee
You may need to walk away for a while.  He needs to come to the conclusion that God is the only way.  I have been engaged to a man who broke my heart three years ago.  Everyday is a struggle, but because we both want to have God as the base of our relationship, things will work out in the end.  There is much forgiveness that will be needed on your part; but that doesn't mean ignore the behavior or to forget.  This could be a building block to your marriage.  He must earn your companionship back.  Keep praying and KNOW that YOU are not the cause!  It is NOT your fault.  You are BEAUTIFUL and amazing!  You deserve to be appreciated!
9/12/2011 3:57:17 PM
Cari United States
Cari
I am speaking from complete experience. My husband of 7 yrs struggled with pornography for years before we were dating.  I didn't know the depth of the addiction before we were together.  I will spare you the details, but lets just say it led him to a very dark place and to committing adultry in one of the worst ways possible... unto jail.  My advise would be this: 1. PRAY, pray that he would have a humble heart with you about this addiction, an honest understanding that this is a disease and sin and a desire to turn away. 2. FORGIVE, understand that we are all human and capable of any since.  3. SUPPORT, understand that this is his weakness, give him understanding, learn about SAA (Sex Addicts Annonmys)- If he has a humble and has an honest heart - he is worth marrying and it is GREAT grounds for a GREAT marraige!  My husband hasn't looked at pron for over 4 yrs now! Praiseing GOD!
9/12/2011 4:03:52 PM
Chelsea United States
Chelsea
First off I want to suggest that you pray for him. secondly I feel like if he is not wanting to discuss this internet obsession with you and is continuing to deny he is in the wrong, he is putting his relationship with that sin before his relationship with you. I would not advise continuing to follow a "marriage-track" relationship. If he continues to stay in this sin it will have a great impact on some of his perceptions of not only you but aspects of your relationship.
9/12/2011 4:05:53 PM
chris United States
chris
Denial is common when u are ashamed or when u feel overwhelmed and honesty can be difficult and delayed
9/12/2011 4:06:00 PM
Kelly United States
Kelly
I wish I could give this girl a huge hug. Having been through a similar situation, I know the pain she is going through right now. I found stuff in my then-fiance's email account six months before our wedding. I confronted him about it and he fell absolutely to pieces when he was forced to finally face what he'd been doing.

I did marry him, but only because he proved with his actions that he was serious about making a change. He changed all of his contact information (email, phone number, deleted Facebook, etc.). He gave me the passwords to everything. We went to a lot of Christian counseling.

The people who are calling this an addiction are absolutely right. He may be a great guy, and she may love him a lot, but she needs to think and pray long and hard about whether or not this is something she's willing to sign on for. She can't make him change; he has to be willing to let God make a change in his life. Until and unless he's willing to do that, I would advise her to break it off. Honey, you are a treasured and cherished daughter of God. Don't let anyone devalue you.

I don't know what the policies are on sharing links, but the Blazing Grace website was a great help to me when I was making my decision and then throughout the healing process. If she would like to email me, I'd be happy to talk (and listen!) or to share some of the other sites that helped me. Lots of prayers coming your way, sweetie.
9/12/2011 4:10:15 PM
Erin United States
Erin
I have been in this same situation with my husband.  
At first he denied it, blamed it on a computer fluke.  Once he admitted he had a problem we were able to begin the healing process.  And it is a LONG process, I found out about his porn addiction 18 months ago and it is still faintly in my mind.  
A book that was recommended to me was "Every heart restored."  It really helped me to begin to understand what was going on in his mind and my role in the recovery process.  The male counterpart in the series is "Every Man's Battle."  I would recommend if your husband/boyfriend is willing to change his life, purchase this book, and strongly encourage him to read it.  
There are so many people that are struggling with this, husbands and wives are torn apart, you are not alone. Ask around at your church, speak with your friends, get support. There are days I just wanted to lay around and cry but I had a dear friend come beside me and encourage me to battle Satan.  
One huge thing is installing software on your computer to monitor this. There are free downloads available for this reason.  
I'm not saying that everything is all better now and it was a simple fix, but it is heading in the right direction.  

**Most of this is directed toward married women in similar positions**  There is a different level of commitment once you say "I do."  For this particular girl, I would reminder her of the fact that ALL men battle with this in one way or another.  If he is willing to admit his mistakes and take steps to change his behaviors and thought processes, he is worth it.
9/12/2011 4:14:41 PM
Elena United States
Elena
Dear Sister,
I have been married for 8 years. After our first year of marriage my husband was able to hide from me for 4 years his addiction to pornography. When the Holy Spirit convicted him to tell me it still took him a year to admit his need to tell others and get help from our Pastors and to have weekly accountability-as we tried all kinds of other tactics.  Praise GOD he is a whole new man today!! FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE--REAL TRUE FREEDOM!  But until Freedom the spiritual implications are devastating and were a real consequence to our family. You cannot force him to own up, only God can do that! As painful of a realization that may be.. My advice to you is to share with him that the break in TRUST is a serious one and that trust is the foundation for a godly lifelong marriage. It is up to you and you alone to place boundaries on your relationship until he is ready to repent and be healed. Perhaps if he is not willing you will know for sure that this will only cause you many many years of heartache.  Many rich blessings. May God guard and keep you dear one.
9/12/2011 4:15:07 PM
George United States
George
My wife and I foster cared, then later adopted a young man out of the state "system".  He had LOTS of baggage from his early days of abuse and drugs, and worked through all but one issue... an addiction to pornography.  I must quickly add that we were certainly not adept at identification of addictions, and it took a recovering addict friend to identify it for what it is.  Long story short, he ended up healed in many areas except this one.  Today, we are still out of relationship for his failure to seek help/deal with his admitted issue.

As to this particular situation, a BIG red flag waving is the lack of his ownership of his actions.  Denial is a basic mode of operation for one who is doing something they shouldn't be doing.  Our kid tried that too....  even after he was "busted" yet again.  

A reasonable thing to do for him is to submit to monitoring, using software, whatever.  I'm not just talking about looking at "history" as that can be covered up.  If he is truly innocent (which his NON-LINEAR reaction indicates he is not), there is nothing lost and lots of trust gained.  The caution in this route is to be absolutely sure he is not adept enough at getting around the controls/monitoring put in place... he WILL try.
  
If his use of pornography is a deal breaker for you - and I suggest that it should be - then an established and repeated pattern of established trust will be the only path to go beyond this relationship landmine.

On the subject of grace... yes grace is required.  However his posturing and denial indicate that he has not repented and turned away from this sin.  When trust is broken, it requires it's own "history" to be re-established.  I suggest that healthy boundaries will either motivate change or end the relationship.  You must be willing to live with the consequences, or else you would be doing nothing more than being an enabler.

There are plenty of places for him to get help; the first problem is him admitting that he needs it.  A phone call to a larger church is a good place to start.

The pain of possibly losing this relationship *may* exceed the pain he is trying to numb with pornography.  If this is NOT an addiction, then his path will be easier, yet still challenging.  

Ask yourself - do you want to be married to a man with this issue?  We all have issues, and we all are sinners.  The difference is that some of us are honestly seeking to improve and grow to be like Jesus.  An addict, on the other hand, only fools himself.  
9/12/2011 4:15:19 PM
Angelica Perkins United States
Angelica Perkins
Hey, this is to the woman who's dealing with the issue of whether or not she should still keep a marriage-track-relationship with this guy. Listen, I honestly think that you should seriously pray pray pray about this, consider how he treats you in general, how much do you "really" love him, and if you think he'll eventually fess up and spill the beans about whatever website he was looking at. If you ever need to just talk and have somebody to listen to...here's my cell phone numberSmile (425)-953-3180. Please don't think that I'm just some busy body trying to meddle into people's business..I'm merely only a person who heard about what you're going through right now, and who genuinely cares and wants to help in any way she canSmile You don't have to call, but my number's always open to you if you ever wanna talk and have someone pray for youSmile Or you can look me up on facebook. Its "Angelica Perkins". Love you, and I really hope everything works out!!
9/12/2011 4:15:20 PM
Amy Kennedy United States
Amy Kennedy
Basically in it's simplest form this issue is " adultery  "  ..if a man looks at another woman with lust even the thoughts are sin.  So are you willing to go into a marriage with that already looming?
9/12/2011 4:15:38 PM
Kimberly United States
Kimberly
I think that on the situation that is presented...a couple things need to be taken into consideration....is it HIS computer? Is he a Jesus Freak (I say this because in our day in age the word 'christian' is taken to lightly God called deciples, not people with a title)...any how...if she is doubting the relationship...the honesty...the integerity of what is supposed to be the Head...leader...then I think that she needs to realize that once again people in our day in age take the title of marriage to lightly. On the other hand...if she is wanting to stick it out...I think research and OPEN honesty is important....lots of books for both of them....sacred marriage, power of a praying wife, the five love languages ect...not to mention pre marital counceling.. I don't suggest marriage to someone until the two can be whole together...my husband and I (because we choose to) share all our accounts....facebook, email.. everything..now you see, I am on my second marriage....which broke me completely....let's not get into that but porn was a big part of it...in the long run. I am a military wife, my wonderful husband is deployed and we have a strong marriage....because of complete open communication and willingness to love compromise and submit to eachother even as far away as we are....I hope there's some strong advice in here somewhere.
9/12/2011 4:16:11 PM
Stephen Powell United States
Stephen Powell
Having had a strugle in this area I have sympathy for him because I know the torment he is in with the battle of his conscience. However, Tough love is the only remedy for the situation. If she would like to forgive and continue it could only happen with Healthy boundaries. Trust would have to be reestablished and if he is not willing then he is not ready to repent of his sinning. The best thing to do would be to part ways. If a man lusts in his heart he commits adultery. Pornography is clearly lusting in the heart.  His heart is not only being unfaithful to you but first and foremost his first love The Lord. You are not in an easy position. The decision however should not be governed by the emotions but the word of God.  A prudent person sees danger and avoids it. The fool proceeds and is punished. I pray God give you strength and wisdom. Please know God is enough for you. When the time is right he will have favor on the right man and give you to him. Until then be single in your love for Christ.

A brother in Christ,
Stephen
9/12/2011 4:16:57 PM
OH United States
OH
I'm 50+, married 29+, and have read many a book on relationships and still struggle in marriage. It is not possibly to comment a blog on such a deep issue.

PLEASE check out Smalley's & Cunningham's book, "The Language of Sex" and "From Anger to Intimacy".

The bottom line is God made men and women very different. Most likely our parents did not get it right, and that's where we learn many things.

S&C address issues that men don't understand of women and women don't understand of men. Failure to understand leads to failing to validate the deep God-created need in each other - the quickie verses the long, day long little things leading up to a romantic evening.

Please read the books they really hit important topics and at a level not really blog-able....
9/12/2011 4:30:07 PM
Kim United States
Kim
My husband had a long-standing addiction before we were married and I wasn't aware of it until after we got married.  It is very painful to be the wife of an addict of this nature.  The first year of our marriage was the worst year of my life- even our wedding night was bad, there was no real "honeymoon phase" for us, my spirit was crushed.  My husband went through a 20 week class called Falling Forward 2 yrs after we were married and has been free for more than a year now, but it's still a struggle sometimes to trust, and I am still trying to work through the issues I have now as a result of his addiction (low self image, depression, fear, etc).  We do not have the internet at home or on our phones and he cannot access that stuff at work.   What I would recommend to this girl is maybe see about watching the movie Fireproof with him and see if God does a work in him and maybe he will at least admit his wrong.  If not, confront him again and tell him that the relationship is over if he does not own up and get help.  He needs to be accountable to someone.  If he still tries to say it's not him who looked at it ask him to get "Be Secure" or some other software to protect himself from those kind of websites.  If he admits a problem and is willing to get help hold him to it and DO NOT marry him until he is free! If he is not willing then kick him to the kirb girl--he is not worth the heartache!!! and yes pray pray pray!!! And if there is anyone you know who has been through this with their boyfriend or spouse and is now on the other side talk to them--get support.  I had no one to talk to about my feelings because he didnt want anyone to know and it was Very Hard.
9/12/2011 4:30:31 PM
Jeannette United States
Jeannette
I can relate to the 20 yr old, since I was married and I'm in my 20s as well, and unfortunately I went through this situation. At first he also didn't want to admit to it, and it broke my heart, I went and installed the appropriate internet blockers, thinking it will help but then it started being a problem with the cell phone, and when I confronted him about it again, he said it was normal and there was nothing wrong with it since many people look at that, I told him it was truely hurting me and he said he would stop, but he never did, I continued to find websites on his phone and the computer, it tore me up inside. I tried to tell him how it was hurting me and it was adultry what he was doing and I would try to get him to go to church but he would refuse, I tried to tell him how it was an addiction to him, and he didn't seem to care about how I felt, only about pleasing himself. I wouldn't recommend anyone to continue a relationship with that situation because it only gets worse, it never got better no matter how hard I tried, which was the problem, it was only me trying, he didnt want to change and he didnt think there was a problem. If her boyfriend is already trying to deny it, then it wont get better, he has to truely accept that its wrong and a problem to change otherwise, he wont. But, I wish her the best, and I hope she makes the best choice for her.
9/12/2011 4:33:28 PM
Jeni United States
Jeni
This young lady needs to pray about this relationship and where God wants it to go. She also needs to look at his faith and where he stands. This is a huge issue for men to deal with on daily basis and is not easy. This young man needs to first recognize that he has a problem. He is not able to kick this on his own, he needs help from an accountability partner and the Lord. I went through this with my ex and he could never get a hold of it. This is hurtfull to all involved. Yes, she needs to protect her heart, but the first thing to do is get him to talk about it and not attack him when you discuss it. Pray Pray and Pray, God will let you know when it is time to get out of the relationship.
9/12/2011 4:36:20 PM
Tim United States
Tim
First, I'd like to say I'm a 21 year old guy trying to actively seek God in all things. That being said, I've dealt with this myself as well as several of my friends (on both sides of issue) and here are a few thoughts.

For her, if this is a deal breaker for her then it's a deal breaker. She's not married yet so she's not commited to the relationship. His sin has nothing to do with her, but I know this can bring up many issues in her (trust, self-confidence, etc), and if it does then I would say she should take a step back and figure her side of it out before going back to look at his side.

As for his side, although all of this sin looks pretty much the same on the surface, the roots run in many different directions (lust, shame, loneliness, bitterness, etc). If his roots are in Shame, I can see how confrontation would bring sudden and flat denial. But if she looks at herself and decided she can and wants to try to walk through it, then showing that she'll love him love in spite of it goes a long way. If it's Shame, he probably thinks that if she finds out, she won't love him anymore.

Past that, an accountability partener (another Christian guy they both trust - not her) helps a lot. Also any of the other resources people have already mentioned can help too. Finally, both sides looking to God for help, because he's the only one who can heal the deeper issues in each of them.
9/12/2011 4:40:54 PM
Aaron United States
Aaron
It is immaturity (if the history is his) that says I don't want to get caught in my sin and face the consequences. He obviously cares about you and he doesn't want to lose you over this issue. However, immaturity is not something YOU can fix in him. I've been a youth pastor now for the last 10 years and I constantly remind my students and young adults that "two halves don't make a whole". He needs to face who he is and who he is not before God and God alone. Unfortunately if you are involved (only in a dating relationship, this would apply differently to married people) in trying to walk through this with him, his emotional ties to you are going to greatly affect his decisions. It is a guys survival instinct to keep the statuesque.

My advice would be to distance yourself from him and encourage him to seek counseling and freedom but do not involve yourself in that process.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
9/12/2011 5:10:45 PM
Amber Barnum United States
Amber Barnum
As a married woman currently dealing with this an many other problems in my own marriage, I have to comment...

To this young woman, I would fully and completely encourage you to seek godly counsel on this issue. Speak to your pastor or mentor, and more than that, speak to God about this. Pray without ceasing, and allow God to lead you in the right direction. It is absolutely possible that your boyfriend could overcome this issue, but I truly believe that will only happen if he accepts that it is a problem, repents, and allows God to work in this area of his life. If he does not do that, then he may never turn away.

I didn't realize my husband looked at that stuff before we were married. I just found out a year ago, 6 years into our marriage. He has also totally turned away from God, and has told me that there is nothing wrong with what he was looking at anyways. Had I known it was a problem before we were married, I would have ensured that it was a topic in our pre-marital counseling. Looking back, I see there is a great possibility we would have never gotten married in the first place had we spent more time with a pastor before our wedding.

If you truly love him, and truly believe that he is the man God plans for you to marry, than start seeing a counselor as a couple immediatly. A christian counselor. God will reveal an answer for you. If your boyfriends heart does not change on this issue, than I think you will have a pretty clear answer.
9/12/2011 5:11:36 PM
L* United States
L*
First of all, I commend you on seeking counsel on such an important decision. I just wanted to say that if he isn't willing to be honest with his addiction, I would really reconsider marriage. I have lived this story to the end. If I had sought counsel when I found out my husband had this addiction...It would have saved me years of pain and heartache. My story is quite long but I would gladly share it with this girl if she wants my advice. If he really loves you then he will give up hisself like Christ did for the church. Starting out a marriage with deception and lies is not a good way to start. If you love him, then let God work on him. Tell your boyfriend that you will not marry him unless he finds accountability. This is such a rampant struggle. I feel so sorry for all the men held captive by this. The enemy really knows where to hit the men hard. If you marry him without any boundaries then you will have a hard struggle. God bless you.
9/12/2011 6:00:23 PM
Kim United States
Kim
This is such a tough subject. I feel the pain you are currently feeling and the uncertainty you have in your heart.  Over a year ago, I was engaged to a man that I believed was following after God's own heart.  He has a past of drug addiction and was completely upfront with me in regards to that.  He seemed to be on the right path.  A few months before we were to be married, my teenage daughter found that he had been using my computer to satisfy his addiction to pornography.

My advice to you...if he is willing to get help, talk with a pastor, counsel alone and with you, get connected with an accountability partner, face his addiction and the possible underlying causes of it...and you are willing to stand firmly by him, love him unconditionally and do all the hard work that it will take...then stick with him.

But...if he's not willing to face his addiction and get the help he needs...then you should step away.

In my situation, I offered to stand by him, he was offered free help, help that costs money, out-patient help, in-patient help, mens group help...you name it...it was offered and he declined all of it.  I had to step away and realize that God saved me & my daughter a life-time of turmoil.  It wasn't easy to call of the wedding, it wasn't easy to break all ties with him.  I went through a long period of serious depression and my daughter has been greatly effected by the images that she saw.

The images that he was/is interested in were young girls...my daughters age.  This addiction, like any other, can lead to so many horrible paths. I thank God that I walked away and didn't take the chance of allowing him to take his "looking" down a path of "doing" with my child.

Alot of the blogs on here state that most, if not, all MEN struggle with this issue.  I believe that there are a lot of women that struggle with it as well.  It's easy to allow ourselves to get pulled into someone else's sin...making it ours.

The person that I was engaged to...quickly moved on...in with a woman that has several girls!  

Imagine, if you continue this relationship without him getting the help that he needs...and without the both of your counseling together to deal with this...you get married, have a child (daughter) ...would you be able to feel 100% confident that he wouldn't turn his "looking"into something more?  We never know where Satan will take our paths of sin.  Pushing this issue under the rug...gives Satan full access!

Be strong in Christ.  Pray, seek His face daily.  Know that you are a strong, beautiful woman...created by God to be loved and cherished by a Godly man.

Love in Christ!
9/12/2011 6:06:10 PM
Stephanie United States
Stephanie
I know that when you love or even care about someone, it's soooo tempting to brush things under the rug and pretend they'll get better, or that they don't exist.  God says to take others's words in the kindest possible way and not to judge, right?

But God also gave us a sense of right and wrong.  And women especially have been given a sense of when something is very, very wrong.  

To the listener, and any other woman out there, please hear my heart.  I ignored my husband's internet history.  It never ever got better, only worse.  What the guy is doing is called adultery.  Look it up.  God says it's sinful.  And if he (the boyfriend/husband/whoever) is not acknowledging that sin, then that person in unrepentant.  Get out now.  Go home afterward and cry your heart out to God.  I promise there is someone much better for you.  Someone who won't cheat on you with nameless women.
9/12/2011 6:09:47 PM
Karen United States
Karen
You are 20 and unmarried. Tell the guy goodbye. (It may hurt now, but it will hurt worse later if you don't.) You will be thankful to God and yourself later. At your age, there are lots of available guys that will deal with their "Visual" issues by "not purposely looking"  because they love and respect you. (I think any guy is going to look if a girl walks by with parts almost hanging out, but he is purposely going online to look.) God be with you. Hold your shoulders back and walk, I mean run!
9/12/2011 6:11:39 PM
Matt United States
Matt
Im a little shocked at some of these comments..... We are all sinners, we have all made mistakes,and we all fall short somewhere in our lives. I have also struggled with this at a point in my life and its still a struggle today. Yes he was wrong to lie, and he is wrong to not want to talk about this with you. The first thing I would suggest is to confront him this time with a choice, tell him you understand this is something embarrassing and that he doesnt want to admit it. However you should explain to him that all you want to do is help him, and if he still doesn't want to talk about it, you need to tell him the relationship probably cannot go any further. There is plenty of help in this area, all you need to do is a simple google search to begin, and remember God always leaves a way out for this problem. He just has to make the decision and to lay it before god and accept the help he is being offered..... wish the best to you and your boyfriend
9/12/2011 6:16:25 PM
Sherry United States
Sherry
I have been married and had to live with this issue with my [ex] husband and I have also dated someone with this issue. First, he needs to know that he is not alone and that the shame he feels is a good sign that he knows it's wrong. The way he chooses to hide that shame by lying and getting angry is not a good sign.

This is not something that just goes away and she will have to live with him and his struggle with this problem for a long time. So, she needs to ask herself if she's strong enough for that and if he's willing to admit his mistake, repent, and finally apologize to HER.

He also needs to know how this makes HER feel.  I know at least in my situation, I have always had low self-esteem and having a partner with this problem made me feel even worse.  It made me feel that I was not "good enough".  Most men don't know that a lot of us compare ourselves to those pictures in magazines, women in movies, etc. Most of the time, we are much more critical of ourselves than men are of us.  They may not realize that their sin is causing us deep emotional pain on the inside and they need to know it.

I, for one, would not pursue the relationship any further because I have already been there and done it...twice!!!  She needs to pray about it and ask God what she should do - He will show her the red flags (if there are any besides THIS issue) if she chooses to see them.
9/12/2011 6:16:43 PM
Katlin United States
Katlin
I don't know what she should do in her situation, but I do know how difficult it is to be married to someone who doesn't have the same eternal "goals" that I have. My husband loves God and is a good person, but has no desire to work every minute of every day to be more like Him, just as every human should do. I would never wish or think about undoing my marriage to my husband. I love him dearly. But she should seriously pray that God lead her in the right direction. being married someone with a different faith is extremely difficult and the ungodly influences are much easier to submit to than God's will. Prayer and searching for the answer in God's word is the only true way for her to know the right thing to do.
9/12/2011 6:26:44 PM
Josh United States
Josh
To the woman in the story, I am so sorry for what you are feeling but I cannot begin to understand what you are feeling like because I am a male. However I can understand what he feels like.  I am in no way justifying what he has done because it is a form of adultery.  Jesus said that if a man even looks at a woman and lusts after her in his heart he has already committed adultery same thing with hate and murder.

Like I said earlier I am not justifying what he had done, but I am only 15 and have done this horrible sin of watching these terrible videos and can tell you from my perspective and for most men what it feels like.  I want you to imagine you are swimming along the path of life (Jesus favored and used a walk but this will be an easier metaphor to use).  You are swimming by doing little sins here such as lying or being disrespectful.  Then you come to a fork in your path and you swim down the wide pathway, not the narrow.  Now imagine you begin to sink down and you have no idea why but you begin to be unable to continue swimming anywhere. You are stuck.  As you continue to sink you keep on committing this sin more and more, and you continue to pray to God and ask for repentance then you literally sprint back to the same sin.  No matter how hard you try you cannot escape the tendrils of darkness that surround and pull you down.  My experience was I would literally hate myself and couldn't even sleep at night, but I would continue to go back.  It is one of the most addicting sins for a male.  You are so ashamed and depressed that you fear telling anyone even God because you feel like you have completely failed everything and everyone that you have ever loved.  

Now my experience was I was about to drown completely in this sin which was leading to more and more sins.  Then God came and said that he was here for me and that he would save me from anything the devil had to throw at me.  God saved me that day.  Even now I still have trouble sometimes with that sin but it gets better and better and I know soon I won't even think about it.  

I believe the reason he didn't want to tell you was because he was so ashamed and angry and hurt that he fell into this sin that he didn't want you to see the bad side of him.  But the problem is in marriage a man and woman become 1 body good and bad.  He should have told you and come right out with it but he might be preparing or trying to think of a way to tell you.  

Im sorry for what you are going through because Ive been through his side of it and my parents went through the other side and trust me it is NOT a good place to be.

Sincerely, Your fellow believer
Josh
9/12/2011 6:33:23 PM
BJE United States
BJE
I think if a guy is going to view porn, he needs to be honest to you about why he views it, and not hide it. if he hides that, he will hide other things and a marriage is about honesty and loving someone through all their faults.
You really have two issues, one of unhealthy expectations and desires and one of lying to the one you love. Both lead to a lot of heart aches.
I think when I was younger, i was more curious than addicted to sex. I wanted to read and learn more and see how others felt and what was normal and what wasn't and what to expect and what was expected.
I considered reading and looking at pornography as a means of education, even though I knew it was wrong and hid it from other people.
Then when I got older, I started seeing it as dirty and mind numbing and pulling me away from true love the way God intended it, so a person can change.
If you do not trust someone before you marry them, those issues will continue into the marriage.
The best thing to do if you love one another is to seek Christian counseling now and work through the  issues together, otherwise it can really tear a marriage apart, not to mention that most porn sites will download malicious virus's onto your computer Wink, sort of like real life sexual promiscuity causes real life viruses. it really is more of a disease than a past time.
9/12/2011 6:35:50 PM
Anonymous United States
Anonymous
I have been married for 5 1/2 years, but we've started dating 8 1/2 years ago.  From the beginning, my husband was honest with me about his struggle.  Had he not been honest, things might have gone differently between us.  Honesty & trust is a BIG deal in a marriage.  This issue is something we have talked about it pre-marital counseling & in counseling after being married.  It doesn't just go away.  This is a big problem in our day, even in the church, and even for women.  I think the church needs to step up and address this issue & stop being silent!
For the woman, I would suggest reading "Every Heart Restored".  It's part of the Every Man series & is written for the women of men who struggle.
9/12/2011 6:44:26 PM
Stephaine United States
Stephaine
We all have struggles.  Him not being ready to be honest about his weaknesses makes him human. Satan is working hard to destroy relationships and marriages.  If at the first sign of weakness the thoughts are to run from a possible marriage, what response will you have after you are married?  No one is perfect, we all struggle with something.  What if years down the road you gain weight and he wants out of the marriage because of it?  We are Christians and are to be Christlike....show your future husband that you can be understanding and helpful not judgemental.
9/12/2011 6:45:58 PM
Mike Canada
Mike
Wow there are a lot of comments on this so I'll keep this brief.

As a man I can understand sexual addiction and know that it is as tough to overcome as alcohol is to an alcoholic. If a person doesn't admit that there is a problem then the problem will never go away. If you know for sure that he is involved in this activity then run far away. This does not mean that he is a bad person but he will more than likely continue to hurt you over time. Also consider what kind of example he'd be to your future children.

Even if he admitted his wrongdoing I'd question staying with him as it is a big risk to you and your future family. Please pray for him, forgive him and don't judge him but seriously think about your future before you even consider staying with him.  

May God bless you and guide you in your decision making!
9/12/2011 6:52:37 PM
Adam United States
Adam
This is a complicated topic, even if a guy doesn't want to look at it. Things can build up to the point he has to. It is extremely embarrassing to 'rise' to the occasion when you don't want to. If he is really stressed and dream relief is not granted to him, it becomes an issue of keeping things under conscious control. Either embarrass yourself to no end or take off some pressure. Ideally, it would be best to do it completely dry like a chore, but if a guy is pressed for time it becomes harder not to try to get it over with as quickly as possible.
She shouldn't automatically assume, she should hear him out, because he could be taking care of business while he sleeps. He could have a dirty brother. If he is guilty, then he is wrong for lying (and not deleting his history jk). He just has to make the less embarrassing talk about why he has to do it or he will humiliate himself and never make eye-contact with another person until his wedding night. The male sex drive is like hunger, the same kind of feeling that you get when you are hungry, only imagine you haven't eaten for a week and somebody is teasing you with a cheeseburger.
The other problem is the world; things would be much easier for men if they weren't always reminded of the hunger by the satisfaction being waved around. If you women want to know what is like don't eat for a couple days and then turn the TV on about 4:30-6:30, the time all the food commercials are on. Feel the madness set in!
9/12/2011 6:56:25 PM
Diane K United States
Diane K
Tough topic.  If she is uncomfortable with their level of honesty now, I would not rush into anything long term at this point.  It will not magically improve once you say 'I do.'

From my perspective, porn has NOT helped my marriage.  Sex starts to feel like a porn star audition.  A little love and affection would excite me more and perhaps I would feel less like I was being compared.
9/12/2011 7:06:29 PM
Phoebe runner United States
Phoebe runner
I have walked the walk too with my husband.  I think most men, at first, will deny it.  Isn't that easier to do?  Haven't we all lied at some point about something?  It's a behavior (lying) that we do as soon as we can talk.  I would write him a letter, on paper, with a pen.  Tell him in the letter you are going to talk about this issue again in a week or so.  Tell him you will give him one more chance to tell the truth.  This will give him time to gather himself and look for God in strength to admit his failure...also so he wont feel attacked.  Meet with him in a calm environment without distractions...a one-on-one meeting.  You need to discuss that you will be asking him and checking on him about the issue and that honesty is the only option.  If he's calm about it, admits it, and is willing to work on it, I'd say stay with him.  See how the next few months go before moving on in your relationship.  Obviously, if he is still rude and angry then move on to another fish in the sea.  It is a hard road and can take years to release the hold it has on a person.  
9/12/2011 7:24:53 PM
Sarah United States
Sarah
There is a Christian based website that offers free Bible-study based help for many sin-issues, including but not limited to pornography.  For anyone struggling with it who hopes to seek freedom, I encourage you to check it out.  For spouses of those who struggle there is also a course called "A United Front."  

www.settingcaptivesfree.com

www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/united-front/
9/12/2011 7:40:53 PM
Pamela United States
Pamela
Very painful issue - for both of them.

Shame over sin causes us all to want to hide at one time or another, and this is as personal as it gets.

Trust is integral to any healthy relationship, but especially within the intimacy of marriage.

I would not turn my back on him just yet; but if she is certain that he has accessed pornographic material and is being dishonest about it, then the relationship might need a break until the issue is dealt with completely (and with professional help). He can be restored.

If he continues to refuse to acknowledge the issue, then know that this is your future... and the future father of your children.

Praying for you!

9/12/2011 7:41:15 PM
Stephanie United States
Stephanie
I am a young woman in my early twenties who deals with the same struggles. I am a strong Christian who struggles with sex addiction, lust and porn. Somewhat able to speak for the man in this situation, I just want to say that it's not as easy as some may think. It's hard to be honest and speak up about this type of struggle, sometimes especially with loved ones. And especially as a Christian. It's not only embarassing, but it puts us at an extreme low, making us feel like we've disappointed our God. Obviously I cannot speak for your boyfriend, but I feel like I can relate enough to say... do not give up on him. Give him some time to open up on his own. Give him a light, very light push and realize it could be an extremely sensitive subject for him. And most importantly, be there. Realize it takes time. I've struggled with this for almost five years and it's never gotten any easier. Trying to overcome this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. So give him a shoulder, give him an ear, be as understanding and patient as possible. And the best thing you can do for him is pray. Pray for strength, guidance, determination, will, patience, and pray every single day. If you don't see progress, or at least genuine effort, then maybe that's when it's okay to question the relationship. Because I also know how hard it is to be with someone who is not on the same page.
You'll be in my prayers.
9/12/2011 7:44:54 PM
David United States
David
Speaking as the guy that is/was in the same situation as him I'd have to tell her that he's not at a point yet where she should consider any type of relationship with him. Especially not one that is marriage bound. Now if he was willing to admit he has a problem or was taking steps to deal with it that's a different story.
9/12/2011 7:45:21 PM
Jason United States
Jason
I'm not sure how much more I can contribute to this conversation, but it sounds to me that several things are going on here:

1.) Most men struggle with this.  Chip Ingram says that 25% of active Pastors struggle with this.  We can debate why men struggle all day, but reality is that men do struggle.

2.) Men who struggle with this sin do not enjoy the fact that they do.  They don't know why they can't quit.  A lot of guys just try to get it over with and get on with their day feeling shamed at being so weak.

3) The boyfriend is obviously embarrassed.  That's why he denied it.

4) You don't have to marry him.  As another poster replied, if it's a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker.  But as my wife said, good luck finding a guy who doesn't struggle with this.

5) Finally some women struggle with this too!  It's true.  I know some women personally who have the same issues.
9/12/2011 7:45:42 PM
Anon United States
Anon
This is a reverse (?) issue, honesty and the _whole_ truth. My wife lied (told half truths) before we were married and continue to this day. I was a virgin (@21 the very many years ago when we met). She definitely was not. Bottom line is things went too fast, I, not really ever having had a girl friend, was scooped up in it all. After sex with her, it was like a ring was put in my nose and was lead off to slaughter.

In reality she had been abused in many ways and I was this neat (literally) nice guy who was focused on going after a PhD, but gave it all up to create a family. (No this was not a forced marriage due to pregnancy.) Her many emotional issues were buried deep and subtle.

Bottom line is it was a mistake that I regret to this day. Though we are both Christian (I was the witness to her that was the final straw in which she committed her life to Christ), our values are very different and a source of great, great heartache for me. I would give about anything to start my life over, and it is too late.

There are more than 6 billion people in the world, and about half are men and half women. (Close enough). Take your time. Get some good professional Christian help.

I feel deeply for you, be very cautious. After marriage, issues like this don't just get better, if anything they get worst.
9/12/2011 8:05:16 PM
Carolyn United States
Carolyn
Oh my friend, what a difficult situation!
I dealt with this with my former boyfriend, whom I thought I would marry. We didn't break up over his struggle, but he was willing to work on it. It was very difficult for him to come clean about it with me. I was seriously shaken by it, especially because he and I did not have a pure relationship, so this just added to the anxiety.
My thoughts are these: if he soon becomes willing to 1) admit to his struggle and 2) seek forgiveness, be as Christ to him, forgive, and work through it. Be a help and support to him. Just love him. On the other hand, if he continues to deny it, even if it's obvious he is having a problem, I don't know if it is worth it. I hate saying that because I understand the heartbreak that this would come with. But if he's hiding big problems like that now, what about later in a marriage? Is this the example you'd want him to set for your children? Is this demonstrating Godly leadership that he's required to show in a relationship?
I hope and pray God makes things clear and gives you wisdom in this situation. He wants only the best for you! Seek Him regularly now; "cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you."
With love from a sister in Christ.
9/12/2011 8:08:13 PM
Michael United States
Michael
Your boyfriend needs to be able to admit that he has a problem or prove that it was not him. I am recovering from an addiction to pornography. If he can not admit that there is a problem then the relationship should go no further. You will never become first place in his life if he continues. Please, if he does admit it, be prepared to help him. Knowing how much I was hurting women was an incredible help for me stopping. Make sure he gets help, seeks Gods will, and remains true and pure. Then your relationship can become all that God created it to be.

Michael recovering addict 885 hours.
9/12/2011 8:14:16 PM
greeni United States
greeni
If she isn't married then she needs to leave him as fast as she can...staying with him will only tear her down and kill her heart as a woman while God deals with him and/or he (the boyfriend) goes further down the drain. I have been there done that and battled hard for my marriage for 8 years!!! (not including the years I didn't know about the addiction to porn) this boy friens will cheat on her if he doesn't stop...best advice for her to to cling to God no matter what, she needs to find a good older christian woman to take her under her wing. I wish there was advise for most of these women that have to feel this pain but honestly the only thing to do is if they are married RUN like crazy to Jesus, CLING to Jesus, and hope and pray to Jesus...that is the only advise...then just let them vent the pain and hurt...let them be heard!!! if the girl isn't married then they need to RUN as fast as they can away from these men and DON"T look back. and then they need to pray to ask Jesus to help them find the right man at the right time!!!!! and wait patiantly!
9/12/2011 8:45:01 PM
LR United States
LR
My husband & I are also affected by porn for 10+ yrs of marriage both still hurting, & angry too, but thanks ALL to God we've moved in a healing direction on a healing road 3 yrs so far including help from the Celebrate Recovery program. Really recommend all newsletter/articles from CovenantEyes & resources/Q&A's from Focus On The Family & resources other comments mentioned too. Also many times childhood hurts are involved/it's a poor way someone has picked to numb their particular pain. No one can change or fix a person so don't try but there is help to live differently and God heals our hearts - and there are enough resources for Anyone to Get Help. We've all learned bad ways of dealing with - or avoiding - life's painful stuff - and fears of real intimacy. Porn & the porn industry is full of deception and it is never acceptable to view. But it's a very profitable industry making a freaking lot of money on our unwillingness to expose the deceptions and lies and how it uses people - and it is helping destroy our nation spiritually. Some of the heart of this issue is in this quote from Focus on the Family: "realize that sexual addictions of all kinds are strikingly pervasive in contemporary society. Because it is rooted in the basic human craving for *relationship*, sexual addiction is tenacious and progressive in nature. To put it another way, porn is powerful primarily because it offers a counterfeit form of *intimacy* and *attachment*. It’s important to bear these things in mind when seeking to help a loved one who has fallen prey to the *deception that de-personalized sex can ultimately satisfy the longings of the human heart*."  ...we All NEED God & His Redeeming Presence, & Each Other.
9/12/2011 9:17:14 PM
Jay United States
Jay
angrily unwilling to deal with it doesn't sound like he's humble and open to God's input.

To address the marital issues that have been written here, I take responsibility for my every failure which has come with months and years of victory and in my integrity I will not allow pornography to be a part of my life.  However, I think the strategy of the enemy was to attack our sex life and soon after the first child was born the hot sex we had enjoyed after marriage was gone.  Believe me, I wanted purity and but the reality of Eden lost was a huge disappointment.  So I think there's some sage advice from Nicole up there.  

9/12/2011 9:40:57 PM
Juan United States
Juan
This is a growing issue. Our generation is experincing a high level of temptation. Due to the internet this has gone from an atack, to a full out assault. The Devil will not attack us timidly. Due to our advancing technology, the temptations and opertunities will always be there. WITHOUT JESUS, WE are fighting a losing battle but with God ALL things are possible and through Christ we are more then conquers. Remember to win the battles in this world we must first win the battles in the spiritual realm. In a marriage the women is submisive to the man and the MAN IS SUBMISSIVE TO GOD. Make sure your man isnt leading you and your future family in circles for 40 years do to pride. If you feel your spirital life is being effected by this negatively then remember you dont have to be with someone to help them through prayer. I know it is wise to listen to the wise but who is wiser then God. So please find your answer and your path from the Bible and meditation/prayer with God.  PLEASE REMEMBER THIS ROAD YOU'RE ON AND BE THE (CROSS)ING GUARD FOR OTHERS.
9/12/2011 11:33:50 PM
Linda Speaks United States
Linda Speaks
No, she should not.
9/13/2011 5:34:45 AM
Amber United States
Amber
Unfortunately, I say that she should get out now. I had a very similar experience about 10 years ago. I also saw the awful history on my boyfriend's computer and talked to him about it. At first he denied it was his, then said that he wasn't doing anything wrong and that I shouldn't try to control him. Not only were the sites he visited pornographic in nature, but they were created to solicit "cybersex" type interactions. I chose to turn a blind eye to it, not wanting him to think I wanted to control him. But of course, the blind eye only lasted until I saw it again. And again, and again. It had escalated from him "just looking" to him interacting with the individuals on the sites and having incredibly inappropriate conversations with him. We would get into yelling matches over it and I would eventually give in. Honestly, I am ashamed of this still. I was young and had no family or friends to turn to, I lived with my boyfriend and I was not saved yet. Anyway, to sum it up, this discovery and denial bit went on for about 6 years. I had married him, tried to believe him when he said he wasn't going to those sites anymore, caught him in lies only to get fed more lies... It all culminated into his adultery and betrayal (which is exactly what it was to begin with, but later became the physical act of infidelity). He is now my ex-husband. It never got better, even after he had gone through about 2 years of therapy. You need to be sure of what your partner stands for before you even think about marriage. He needs to stand for God.
9/13/2011 7:29:34 AM
Chris United States
Chris
I debated even adding a comment because of the wide range of opinions on here.  But, as a guy, I thought I'd add my 2 cents and maybe someone out there might be blessed.

Ladies in general:
#1- To not accept the "every guy deals with this" as an excuse is 100% correct. To look down your nose because a man or your man struggles with it is 100% wrong. You're a filthy sinner who needed Jesus' blood to redeem you too. Remember that next time you feel the urge to judge someone harshly. No one is better than another. We need each other, same sex or not, to spur each other on to love and good deeds.
#2- There is no switch. There isn't a magic pill or a quick fix.  It's an addiction, like drugs. It's a beast that only gets hungrier as you feed it. To assume "you just need to stop" is enough is unrealistic. I only wish it was that simple. Satan is, unfortunately, excellent at his job.

To this young lady in particular:
#1- No one can tell you what to do. You must decide for yourself. There are ladies in your church who would be great sources of wisdom you must go to.  I'm sorry, but the internet is not the best place to seek this kind of advice. You don't know anyone on here nor do they know you. You need someone who has and can build a relationship with you. If you don't have a church, find one. Do this before you do anything else. Period.
#2- This should be #1 but I think you needed to know not to use the internet for advice first. Saying that, I'll still type this up because you never know how God will use it. So #2, what does God's word say? Don't know? Find out. As good as the advice contained above may be, God is the one who you need to be seeking.
#3- You need to love God first. This man should be so far below your desire for God. If you "love" him, this isn't an issue you will burry.  Worse yet, do NOT believe the lies of Satan that will try to convince you YOU can change him; don't believe that if you leave him things will only get worse. As a man who fought this fight, getting married and being able to (in God's view) have sex doesn't magically make the desire go away. The addiction is real and strong enough that the day after your wedding night he could be back at it, and a computer is not needed. The addiction surpasses the venue.
#3- You are not in authority over him. You are not his wife and truly have no right to try to challenge him. You confronted him, fine and he denied it and didn't want to fess up. Your place now is to not assume he is lying but take him at his word. Maybe it wasn't his. Does he need a Godly man in his life to ask him these tough questions? Yes, absolutely. But it's not your place to go seek someone out for him. This is where a Godly woman in your life is needed. God wants you to focus on you, not him. If your were asking about a female friend, totally different.  #4- If this relationship is at the stage that marriage has been discussed, here's a practical thing you can do: First, get involved at a church and begin to be mentored by a Godly woman (get that this is important??). If you are and marriage has been discussed, here's how you can approach this subject respectfully. Sit down with him and talk about the worse sins in your own life. Go into the conversation with the intention of airing your dirty laundry. Ask him if he struggled with that temptation. Don't bring up this instance and I suggestion you tell him you believe it wasn't his (and you need to, don't assume he's lying, or you're building a relationship on mistrust).  Talk about it general past tense. My wife and I did this before we got engaged. We talked about our struggles and we knew what we were getting into. If marriage hasn't been discussed; Godly woman/mentor.

To guys out there:
Is you struggle with this, you have no excuse. God will punish you, especially if your His child. If you are doing this and begin a comminted relationship with one of His daughters, especially if you marry them, watch out. One day you will stand before the Holy GOd of the Universe, creator of the heavens and Judge over all the earth and give an account of how you lead his daughter. He will look at you and ask you why you did not treat her like a precious treasure that He sees her as. This isn't a hypothetical image or some platitude to motivate you. God will judge you on your leadership in your marriage. God commanded you to be a Godly husband, a man who sought after Him above all else. Feeding the lust of your flesh to images, digital or mental of other daughters of the king (saved or not) to which you are not married will be presented as evidence against you one day. Whether anyone else knows about it or not, He does and so does Satan.  And Satan will make sure God knows about it to when you stand before Him. When God gave us commandments as husbands, He was serious.  He expects us to take the job of being a husband serious. Remember, God made the union of marriage to be as a picture of Christ and the Church. When you muddy that image with your sin, you pollute the image of Christ's love for His bride, the Church.  It's not about you and never has been. It's about bringing God the most glory in all that we do. Period.
And lastly, to the ladies once more. To those who are not in a relationship or in the beginning stages of one. The man you are dating is the man you will marry. Marrying you won't magically change anything. Don't kid yourselves into thinking you can change him. You can't. It took Jesus living a perfect life and dying a horrible death and raising again to save you from your own wretchedness. You couldn't save yourself, you can't save him.
If you're in a serious relationship or married. Love him.  Pray for him. Celebrate his victories and encourage him in his defeats. You are not the Holy Spirit, nor are you his drill sergant. Remember you're sinful too. Encourage him to seek mentorship, for many reasons, not just this issue. You seek it too.
Above all, seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. God's gloy is what matters most. We all need Him.
9/13/2011 10:33:43 AM
Patrick United States
Patrick
I would say first off, as a man and as a pastor, the best thing a wife or girlfriend can do for a man in this situation is to pray for them.  I would suggest that that is the only thing a female should do to help a man in this situation.
This is a sin that women, for the most part, don't understand.
It would be like if I tried to help someone who has been abused as a child and has to deal with the after effects.  I can offer advise, but I honeslty would have no idea what that person is going through or having to deal with because I have never had to experience it myself.
The best thing the man can do in this case is to find another man who is a strong Christian, someone who has overcome this, and is willing to help.
I would say 10 out of 10 times a man will open up to another man on this issue more than he would to his wife or girlfriend.  
I am not being mean, I am being honest.  My wife doesn't understand this at all.  She does know that it can be a temptation so she tries to help the best way she can. (i.e. she warns me when there is something ahead that I shouldn't look at)
As for leaving or not leaving.  That is ultimatly up to you.  Until you say "I Do" there is always time to walk away.  However, if you want to leave him just becase he is an addict, I must warn to be careful.  Its like leaving a church because of their problems.  You're just going to go to another church that has problems.
If you leave a man or woman because of their problems you are just going to get another one that has just as many problems.
All this being said, there is a difference in how a woman can act when married then when just dating.  When dating, you have to ask yourself the question, "Do I want to continue with a man who has a sin that he doesn't want to deal with."  Maybe loosing his girlfriend over this addiction will be what causes him to seek help.  
Whatever this girl does, I pray that it is because it is what God wants for her and not what she deems best.  Every part of our lives should be wrapped in God's will not ours.  
9/13/2011 11:44:05 AM
girlfriend of a recovered addict United States
girlfriend of a recovered addict
I would like to thank Brant for posting this topic. My soon-to-be-fiancee is a recovered porn addict. He told me this up front at the beginning of our relationship, at the same time that I told him about some of my past struggles and mistakes. (To those who claim this is a men-only problem, don't believe the lies! I struggled with an addiction to erotic literature and eventually porn as well! Thanks be to God, I have left it behind me, but the temptation still returns sometimes.) I have completely forgiven him and accepted this as a part of his past. This conversation, however, has reminded me that addictions can always return. Now I am going to have a conversation with him: asking him whether he has relapsed and talking about the complete transparency and accountability that we need to establish on this topic if we are going to get married. Thanks, Air 1!
9/13/2011 3:59:40 PM
Jake United States
Jake
Lots of thoughts on this.  Too many to read them all really.  I  think for young ladies (unmarried) in this position, there is a simple line to follow.

A woman should be so immersed in love with Christ that a man must find her through Him.  Every day.

Addiction of every kind makes this impossible.  The most loving thing you can do is to step back from the courtship, and turn him to Christ.

Interesting to see the comment on the Wife being submissive to the husband, and the husband to God.    Two thoughts.  First, that's not a terribly accurate line on that passage.  The wife is submissive to her husband, and the Husband is exhorted to love his wife as Christ loved the Church (through sacrifice, even to the point of death).  Second, the word submissive literally means "Under the Mission".  If a wife is to be under the mission of her Husband (or girlfriend of her manfriend as they move towards marriage), Paul is saying his mission is to love her as Christ loved the Church (sacrifice even to the point of death for her to get to heaven).  Thus a wife's job is to support her husband to be strong enough to sacrifice as much as necessary to get them both to heaven.

As a young woman, your job is to help the men in your life lead you to heaven, and to not put up with men who are unwilling to rise to that challenge.  

Porn is brutal, and helps destroy and undermine families.  God has more for us than that.
9/13/2011 5:50:48 PM
Rikki Castellanos United States
Rikki Castellanos
So sad :-( as with any sin this is a God issue and consequently runs into marriage. It's always a question of where our heart is in the Lord. I know this must be so hard on her. As I would tell my own daughter Jesus loves you both exactly right where both of you are at. Unless though he is willing to bring every though captive under Christ, "willing" being the key word sweetie you need to part so restoration can talk place. I will keep both of you in prayer.
9/13/2011 7:30:43 PM
James United States
James
I am i guy who was in the same situation that the guy who got cought was in.  I tried to change.  I went to sex addiction meetings weekly for a year.  Kinda funny the church has over 2,000 members but every week it was the same 5 to 10 guys showing up trying to save our marrages.  I learned alot in those meeting about sex addiction. So many men have this hidden addiction, like 8 out of 10.  I could not and still cannot cure my porn addiction.  My wife whom is a super great person unfortunately divorced me and i can understand her reason.  My ex-wife has since remarried we are still friends.  I am a nice guy.  I'm just glad God will never divorse me.  We'er all sinners, all we can do is try.  To the girl who cought the boyfriend - at least you discovered one of his secrets before you were married to him.  I hope the best for both of you.  I believe God has a plan.
9/13/2011 9:48:20 PM
M@ United States
M@
So, if a guy found out that his girlfriend had been reading romance novels from the library and she denied that they were "the really steamy ones" would anybody tell him to leave her?

Seems to me that romance novels are just as damaging to relationships as porn.
9/14/2011 10:32:36 AM
Linda Speaks United States
Linda Speaks
Those, meaning romance novels, soap operas, and romantic movies in general, can be damaging and warp a young girls sense of what real dating and marriage is really like.  Steamy romance is NOT real life.  Having said that, if you are going to marry someone, start learning how to challenge each other now.  The guy could and should start dealing with those kind of preconceived notions in premarital counseling.  Those kind of unrealistic notions should be squashed.  Then both can deal openly about how men think about love, communication, etc..., as well as women and their differences.  The unfortunate reality, and this can be backed by years of statistics, is that the likelihood of a man becoming controlling, abusive, and eventually step outside the marriage due to this behavior escalating over time, is staggering compared to women who read romance novels.  The stepping out is often the end result, but the lies, arguments, fights, abuse, and controlling behavior goes on for years sometimes decades.  The most unfortunate aspect of all of this is that women are often conditioned to keep forgiving the man because they are 'christian'; even women who are not christian end up tolerating this behavior because we think we can change them.  That is a whole different can of worms altogether; The young woman in the original scenerio was in an engagement with a guy who refused to acknowledge his behavior as harmful or a problem, and if he won't now, he's not going to.  You can't make anyone do anything. If that is the evidence that is before her at that moment, that is the truth that she should act on.  
9/14/2011 11:21:15 AM
Heather United States
Heather
I have been married for 2 yrs this past July, and i found that my husband too had been looking up inappropriate things on the internet on his personal phone. I confronted him after i found the issue, and he tried to deny it. I told him that lying is the root of evil and if he can lie to his wife over this issue, there are tons of things he could lie about. After a few hours of thinking he came forward and handed over his phone and told me that had been doing it. I told him that lying doesn't do anything but break things in a relationship. No matter how bad the issue is, you should never lie about it, because that break trust. I hope this helps, and i do hope that if it is his doing, that he will come clean.
9/16/2011 7:51:50 AM
Amazed by God United States
Amazed by God
As Christians, whatever we do we take Jesus with us.  Think of Him as sitting on your shoulder watching what you watch as you browse the Internet.

So, are you pleasing Jesus with your actions or is He whispering in your ear..... "Hey, I died on the Cross at Calvary so that you wouldn't have to look at this web site".

If we are in Christ, we are free from the World.  Please don't put Jesus back on the Cross today.
9/16/2011 9:11:51 AM
Kevin United States
Kevin
I want to empathize with the girl who wrote the email...I'm sure he's incredibly sorry for how much pain this causes you, but this is something that he needs support in dealing with, not abandonment. I would recommend holding off on marriage, but don't just leave him!

So many have said it, but this really is the biggest issue for men, especially younger men. It's unfathomable how difficult this problem is to overcome, and to maintain the conviction to suppress it, especially when not married. I'm not making excuses...pornography leads a physical addiction that should not be treated lightly, and literally every single man with access to a computer has this problem, at the very least with severe temptation.

Work through it with him. It may hurt that he doesn't admit it, but it's embarrassing and painful, and you need to respect that. It is very difficult for a man to admit that he is too weak to deal with something on his own, and do not take that struggle lightly.

Believe it or not, real problems like this cannot be solved with a simple "I'll just hand my problem over to God!" kind of cookie-cutter Christian answer. That is not how the Bible encourages us to solve problems, and any man that says he does not struggle with lust because he "puts it in God's hands" is simply lying.
9/16/2011 10:34:42 AM
Deb United States
Deb
I want you to know I'm praying for you right now.  I recently broke off a marriage-intended relationship with a man who had been free of his addictions (drugs and alcohol) for 7 years.  He slowly started to slip into drinking again and occasionally mentioned porn in a joking way. (I took it seriously)  After breaking it off we remained friends with a hope that we could work things out and be married one day, but he was depressed about being apart and started slipping more and more into drinking.  He ended up hooking up with a girl who is very much into drinking and now the two of them are in my face (on the internet) about how much fun they are having.  That is where it is today and though we are apart, I pray for him daily, several times a day.  I trust God because He loves him.  I know that the Spirit will convict him and I pray that he will remember what he had when he was walking with God (remember the prodigal?)  All that to say, I broke it off, but have hope that God will restore him.  I trust that God will either heal him and bring him back to me or that God will bring someone else into my life and into his life.  It is the hardest, most painful time I've ever gone through, but I will not give up on him.  I'm pounding on God's door daily and will not stop even when others have stopped praying for him.  This is a human being we're talking about and I know you love him.  God loves him.  Remove yourself from the relationship and pray like mad for him.  If God heals him of his addiction and convicts him of his false witness and brings him back to you, be thankful.  You are blessed.  If He does not bring him back to you, be thankful anyway.  You are blessed.  He is in God's hands!
9/20/2011 7:24:53 PM
Shianne United States
Shianne
Before we were married, my husband confessed to me that he had been addicted to pornography since his teen years. He came to me after he had sought help. God delivered him in an amazing way, and I believe this happened because he was 100% committed to living free.

I remember when he told me, how I felt betrayed. But then I remembered we all fall short and realized what courage it took for him to confess that to me. He told me that was part of the recovery - confession.

Someone who is unwilling to confess a sin and get help is unwilling to change. If my husband had not been repentant and had not taken drastic help to change, I would not have married him. Pornography in a marriage is adultery; before a marriage, fornication.

I would strongly advise this young lady not to walk into a marriage doomed to fall. If he loves God, if he loves her, he will confess, repent, and change.
9/22/2011 5:24:35 PM
Caroline United States
Caroline
I didnt read all the comments. but i do want to make sure that XXXchurch.com is on here. its a ministry to help people addicted to sexual sins overcome them. I dont think it would be best for her to stay in a relationship. but who am i to say? God works in all ways. defiantly dont completely remove yourself from his life though. he needs support now even if he wont admit it.
10/15/2011 6:35:03 PM
Christ Follower United States
Christ Follower
Nicole, the bible says:  

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? NIV Jer 17:9

So, to tell someone to "follow your heart."  is directly giving them advice that is contrary to what the bible says.

10/16/2011 1:16:08 PM
Nicole United States
Nicole
Christ Follower i am amazed at how you took one scripture to bash me! Just take the whole Bible and thump me a little harder than that!  
Try 1 Samuuel 16:7, Romans 8:27...it goes on!
I follow my heart because that is where our conscience lies and where the Holy Spirit talks to you. God is a poet! He speaks in stories and songs, those are all things that are heart matters.
Don't eliminate the spiritual aspect and be legalistic and literal! Because it leaves no room for the supernatural and miraclesSmile
Be open!!!!
9/3/2012 11:09:25 PM
Ailis United States
Ailis
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4/17/2013 10:38:01 AM
Melody Canada
Melody
Best thing I was ever told about whether or not to stay in a relationship was this -

Yours son's are going to model what his version of masculinity and integrity and Christianity (if this guy doesn't have any then you shouldnt be with him in the first place).
Secondly, your daughters are going to grow up thinking this is normal and ok behavior from men.
Your sons are going to want to be just like their father and your daughters will love men like their father. Do you want this? And don't get a saviour complex and think you can change behavior that only the Holy Spirit can. If you stay with him this episode will tell him that his behavior is ok and manageable because you stayed. If you leave he will have to face one of the consequences of his behavior - you leaving. As a daughter of God you should not be allowing a man to sin against you in this way and you will be encouraging more of it by staying with him.

Whether we like it or not, we follow our men because we want them to be our leaders and what they teach us as leaders will either impact us negatively or positively.
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