Aug 17 2011
Dear Hollister Clothing Company

Dear Hollister Clothing Company,

Greetings.  How are you?  I am fine.  I am Brant.

Hollister, I walked in one of your stores for the first time the other day!  I'm pretty sure your clothes are awesome and stuff, but I had a problem: 

I couldn't see anything.

I was wondering if I could buy you guys some lights.  I bumped into a couple tables. 

Hollister, I was going to tell you about my college roommate Jeff who used to have this blind ferret, and it would navigate by always brushing against the perimeter of the room.  I was going to tell you about that because I hadn't thought about that ferret for awhile.  But I thought about that ferret when I was at your store.

Anyway, I felt some clothes in there, but I didn't buy anything.   It was too dark.

I tried to guess what the clothes looked like from your advertising pictures.  In front of the store, you had a big picture of a guy with no clothes on, so that didn't help that much. 

I've enclosed the above picture of a guy taking off one of your shirts.  He seems mad.  Perhaps it is chafing him.

Sincerely,

Brant P. Hansen

P.S. -- I had this friend, Tom, who earnestly said, "You know, I go to the mall, and they've got the music thumping, and the store people are all cool and stuff, and it's like this awesome party, and then I get home -- and it's just a shirt."

P.P.S. -- I'm probably not your target demographic.  I play the accordion.

I also write haiku:

Hollister need help

darkness enshrouds your products

can't see anything

 

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Comments (116) -

8/17/2011 12:15:29 PM
Beverly United States
Beverly
Brant,

That letter was awesome. I think you really need to send it in to Corporate.
8/17/2011 12:24:36 PM
Elizabeth United States
Elizabeth
hahahaha!!!!!
8/17/2011 12:47:56 PM
Jake United States
Jake
So, when you decide to move on from radio, I vote you write Satire... Smile
8/17/2011 2:29:14 PM
MICHELLE United States
MICHELLE
SPEAKING THE TRUTH IS WHAT MORE OF US AS BELIEVERS SHOULD DO.MAYBE IF WE WERE BOLD IN OUR FAITH WE COULD ACTUALLY BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE.
8/17/2011 2:36:22 PM
Tanya United States
Tanya
I absolutely love the letter.  I also agree with Beverly that you should sent it to the company.  With the post scripts.  You can even add my name to it if you'd like as I'm in complete agreement and haven't even been in the store.  

Perhaps you could check out Abercrombie and Fitch as well.  I just did a quick search to make sure they were still in business and apparently they sell jeans without shirts (according to the picture showing a man and woman with thumbs in jeans, and bare midriff).  Thankfully they cut the photos off a few inches above the belly button.
8/17/2011 2:39:18 PM
Kenny United States
Kenny
Hah, sweet a Christian with a real sense of humor. I like it!!!
8/17/2011 3:05:52 PM
Rainee United States
Rainee
was the store also drenched in whatever that cologne is that almost knocks you down when you walk by?? I'm just not hip enough for those places. Kudos for your letter tho! (and I hope I get a really cool monster avatar when i post this comment Smile
8/17/2011 3:06:52 PM
Rainee United States
Rainee
aw... I got the worlds smallest horsie....?
8/17/2011 3:14:30 PM
Dana United States
Dana
Soooo true! I went in there to get a gift once and had the same experience! No light at all...not even at the register! It really bothered me.  I guess some people don't care what they look like as long as the shirt says "hollister"...lol. To each his own...I guess.  Blessings! ♥
8/17/2011 5:01:05 PM
Kena United States
Kena
You are hilarious! Love it!! I too agree although I've never been in the store due to the vomiting that would begin from the wafting of man scent out the door.
8/17/2011 5:05:59 PM
Kena United States
Kena
oops I'm sorry..that would be Abercrombie! And yes you should send this to both stores!!
8/17/2011 5:18:50 PM
Ashley United States
Ashley
This is great! I love how you are so random.
8/17/2011 7:24:40 PM
amber United States
amber
lol!  excellent satire, bro.
8/18/2011 12:32:55 AM
Alicia United States
Alicia
Oh my word too, too funny! I have often thought the same thing when I walk into Hollister Smile got a good laugh out of this, but I think you should really send it! Seriously, who wants to buy clothes we can't really see? HaHa Smile
~ God Bless ~
8/18/2011 1:26:40 AM
Martina Germany
Martina
Smile)) Here in Germany i thought the same in this shops....
8/18/2011 5:55:50 AM
jodie United States
jodie
Brant,

I really like what you have brought to Air 1. I listen to you daily and it never fails that you have me laughing in my car and I'm alone so of course people are looking very strangely at me as they pull up beside me!!! I enjoy your sense of humor and the random things you discuss thanks for being you  and God Bless you and Air `1.

Jodie


P.S. Anyone ever tell you that you resemble Sam Elliott????
8/18/2011 6:38:05 AM
Joanne United States
Joanne
Yes! So true, the front of Hollister and Abercrombie are so dark and shuttered like its an exclusive club or something with darkness hiding whatever goods they are selling.  Find their clothes at thrift stores (well lit I might add) so far my kids don't care if its last season's style. Since when was 'good' associated with darkness?  Certainly not in the bible.
8/18/2011 8:04:40 AM
Danielle Joy United States
Danielle Joy
1. Wow, I'm not sure satire is appropriate for a Christian blog.
2. Hollister is a place for sinners: accordingly, they are wandering around in the dark, blind to their sin.
3. I find the fact that Brant even ventured into a Hollister store scary. Doesn't Revelations say something about radio hosts going into vile places?
4. Wow, I'm not sure satire is appropriate for a Christian blog.
5. something about sports?
6. The throbbing music is symbolic for evil, and sex, and the devil, and evil. Why would you let something let that near your ears?

Practice makes perfect!
8/18/2011 8:34:36 AM
Danielle Joy United States
Danielle Joy
7. I'm fairly certain there are no Bible's in Hollister, but I KNOW there's no Hollister in the Bible. Though I can't expect you to know that.
8. I'll pray you realize the error of your ways, and confess your sin, and turn from the straight path of the mall no more.
9. I got a tree for my avatar - it's too bad some people worship them.
10. I got a Christmas tree for my avatar - it's too bad we use a pagan symbol on a Christian blog. I bet you'll play "O Christmas Tree" at Christmas, too.
8/18/2011 11:49:20 AM
Issa Brown United States
Issa Brown
I saw a joke group on facebook about loving how you couldn't use most of your senses in that store. The cologne is too strong, the lights too dim, and the music too loud. Oh, and it's all made for willow-the-wisps. lol
8/18/2011 2:57:58 PM
Carlie United States
Carlie
Not going to lie, this kind of made my day. Thank you being hilarious. It is much appreciatedSmile
8/19/2011 5:30:17 AM
Stacey Haddock United States
Stacey Haddock
You ROCK Brant.  I was laughing so loudly in my office reading this.  I miss you so much in Nashville.  Air1 you have the best DJ ever!!

Love you Brother!

Stacey
8/19/2011 9:06:23 AM
Ronald Williams United States
Ronald Williams
Maybe the guy in the photo was upset because he thought it was a certain color and was surprized to find out it was stripped.  Ha Ha
8/19/2011 12:05:04 PM
Lisa United States
Lisa
my daughter recommends bringing a flashlight if you ever shop @ hollister again. hope this helps.
8/19/2011 12:53:17 PM
brant United States
brant
Next time, I'm totally wearing one of those miner's helmets.
8/19/2011 3:08:18 PM
Aaron United States
Aaron
You should totally send it to them.I wonder what they would say?
8/19/2011 3:27:53 PM
carrien (she laughs at the days) United States
carrien (she laughs at the days)
How did I miss that you are blogging over here now? I thought you had just quit altogether you haven't been in my feed in so long. Hooray!

ps. He does look like he's mad at the shirt.
8/19/2011 7:02:28 PM
Anne wassmann United States
Anne wassmann
My recommendation for shopping in Hollister is to go prepared.  You must bring a flashlight, ear plugs, a gas mask (they constantly spray their perfumes) and a step stool.  I find that they place many items on top shelves which are unreachable by the average size person.  
8/20/2011 5:19:10 AM
Sarah Harrison United States
Sarah Harrison
Brant, I have been listenting to your radio station since you were in SC. I love your sense of humor, and your heart for just saying things the way you do.
I have been in that store with my daughter and agree. I too would be happy to buy some light bulbs! You should send the letter and you can add my name to the list of others who could not see the clothes in the store.

Missing you on wayfm but listing to you on air1!
Blessings,
Sarah
8/21/2011 2:23:21 PM
Andrea Ludwig United States
Andrea Ludwig
Okay, I totally agree with the comments on Hollister, but this is not about that.  

I have a question:  There is this new song on Air1 and I was hoping someone could tell me what it is if I give you some of the lyrics.

I remember these words:  Got a letter from the bank today, said they are going to take the house away.  All you see is darkness.  We all need forgiveness.  I've lost my faith in so many ways but I still believe in you.  You make everything new.

Hopefully I didn't combine two songs there.  Does anyone know what the song is??  Thanks!!
8/21/2011 10:24:32 PM
Aria Grace United States
Aria Grace
@ Andrea Ludwig  is the song 'Down' by Mat Kearney?

sorry for being off topic.
8/22/2011 9:54:29 AM
Sandy Sandmeyer United States
Sandy Sandmeyer
This is hilarious!
8/22/2011 10:34:58 AM
Denise Frugoli United States
Denise Frugoli
You crack me up!!  Everyday, on the radio, you make me smile Smile
8/22/2011 3:56:16 PM
Lauren.H United States
Lauren.H
Did my post pop up?! stupid computer....
8/25/2011 10:42:28 AM
Deb United States
Deb
Too funny! Literally Laughing Out Loud!
8/26/2011 3:33:13 AM
Corinna United States
Corinna
Oh! My! Word! That is soo funny right there!!  I have an idea that could solve future fumblings.  Maybe they need greaters at the enterance (think Walmart... minus those sassy vests)... who could be handing out headlamps to their shoppers.  Imagine the effect! How would onlookers resist the party scene of that! Be kinda like Skate Country meets Vampires.  Hmmm... just a thought.  Anyway, thanx for the chuckle! ~
8/26/2011 7:20:26 AM
Carolyn United States
Carolyn
Dear Hollister,

I would buy more clothing if I was not in a state of panic because of the screaming music that only makes me want to run out the door.
8/26/2011 11:05:02 AM
Talia United States
Talia
This is the funniest (and truest) thing I've read in a looooooong time.

So glad I found you! Smile
8/26/2011 5:38:41 PM
Bree
Bree
Im 14 and have NEVER been in a hollister store and after reading this blog i never plan on it btw your an amazing DJ dont leave like all the other Dj are coppelia and Lisa and erik i still miss them
8/27/2011 2:53:08 PM
Lauren.H United States
Lauren.H
Ya I miss Lisa and Eric on KLove mornings as well... AND Coppelia.. PLEASE don't think about leaving ANYTIME SOON Brant!! Your one of my favorite DJ's and your AWESOME! FLAT-OUT. Smile there it is. that is all. Smile



... wow lol
8/28/2011 11:15:14 AM
josh United States
josh
LOL, lovely story! We miss mornings w Brant in PA.
8/28/2011 6:37:51 PM
Bree
Bree
aww what did brant use to work for???
8/29/2011 6:26:23 PM
Pandora Bracelets United States
Pandora Bracelets
There are some points which must be taken into account before going through any of the system like the Voice quality
8/29/2011 6:39:34 PM
Christian Louboutin Shoes United States
Christian Louboutin Shoes
Now a days the music systems are so powerful that they are not only used for listening the soft music but can also used in terms of party also there are so many other things which are really mention
8/29/2011 6:40:06 PM
Christian Louboutin Shoes United States
Christian Louboutin Shoes
Are you bored and want to release your tension
8/29/2011 6:40:39 PM
Christian Louboutin Shoes United States
Christian Louboutin Shoes
You can have n number of Audio systems which you can have in market of the brands like Sony, Samsung, Panasonic etc. You can go for the loud music, soft music, soothing music etc as per your choice. Thank you!!
8/29/2011 6:41:25 PM
Christian Louboutin Shoes United States
Christian Louboutin Shoes
you can have the most loving and attractive information ever about any of the Audio system. You can also have the music through the headphones which are available in great variety and they are also with certain other things like the mics which you can use during the Video Chatting etc.
8/29/2011 9:27:18 PM
Christian Louboutin Shoes United States
Christian Louboutin Shoes
Are you bored and want to release your tension? Then music can be the best option for you and its very helpful from very old times as well.
8/29/2011 9:29:08 PM
Christian Louboutin Shoes United States
Christian Louboutin Shoes
Are you bored and want to release your tension? Then music can be the best option for you and its very helpful from very old times as well.
8/30/2011 2:41:46 PM
Bree
Bree
BRANT, ( i put that in caps to get your attention because nobody will answer) what did you used to work for before Air1 did you work for air1 you seem like you were famouse because i saw your thing on i am second before i heard you DJing on Air1 (im not sure if DJing is a word)
8/30/2011 5:03:17 PM
Bree
Bree
BBRRAANNNTT PPLLEEASE REEESSPPONND i wanted to get your attention just in case you cant read this Brant,please respond what did you used to work for before Air1 someone was talking how they missed your morning show did you work for another radio station???
8/31/2011 1:04:18 PM
Lana United States
Lana
HILARIOUS!!! I'm laughing out loud and people around me are probably wondering what just happened to me!!!! LOL!! Thank you for your honesty and your freshness! LOVE IT! God bless everyone! Smile
8/31/2011 5:07:39 PM
Lauren United States
Lauren
You DID send this right???? It's definitely a MUST. SEND.
8/31/2011 7:41:27 PM
Bree
Bree
i would believe thst he would send it
8/31/2011 7:41:55 PM
Bree
Bree
just like the president thing
9/2/2011 9:18:13 AM
Manda United States
Manda
Just.... awesome-ness..... X)
9/2/2011 2:10:40 PM
Lauren United States
Lauren
haha ikr
9/3/2011 8:35:57 AM
Allie United States
Allie
While I think this post is hilarious, I am a little alarmed by some of the extreme comments on this. How is Hollister a place for sinners? Last time I checked, IT'S A CLOTHING STORE!!! I shop there and the last time I checked I had accepted Jesus Christ as my savior...but maybe the "rules" have changed since the last time I checked. While the store is headache inducing, they have great clearance items and is one of the only stores that I can find jeans that are my size (hello! Just because I have big hips doesn't mean I am overweight and/or tall!) and understand that people who are thin and short can also need a bit more space in the chest area. Just because people shop there doesn't mean they are evil or wanting to be "cool" and pay for overpriced merchandise (I bought a really nice t-shirt for $4 that was at least 3X that price at any other store).

I am sick of "Christians" being so judgemental. As children of God we need to embrace others. Judging non-Christians so heavily turns them away from the good news-not towards God's loving arms.
9/3/2011 10:14:03 AM
Ashley United States
Ashley
You need to send this to hollister! it is a real problem the pictures they put on the windows of the store! This is from a 13 year old girl! Reply, Brant!    P.S. That was the funniest thing if read in forever! Smile
9/10/2011 5:04:31 PM
Sunshine United States
Sunshine
This is one of the funnist things i have ever read!!!the guy in the picture must not like the cloths that much.  
9/16/2011 4:50:47 AM
pirate shirts United States
pirate shirts
There are some really loved reading your blog.www.tobeapirate.com/.../dProducts.php
9/21/2011 5:55:21 PM
Brant Hansen United States
Brant Hansen
Allie -- Thanks for your take on that.  This REALLY is a great example of the errors of religiosity:  Let's examine where EVERYONE gets their clothes, from an ethical perspective.

We can have an out-righteous-each-other race until the cows come home, when we start talking about labor standards in other countries, investments by parent companies, etc.  I don't like Hollister's hyper-sexualized marketing, but I'm not prepared to blast everyone who works and shops there, for fear they'll research my own clothing choices.  (My Goodwill stuff is PROBABLY on safe ground, but not much else...)

Bree -- I was a morning host on another radio network before this job.  So glad to have a new schedule and get some sleep!

Hi Ashley!  You're awesome!


9/26/2011 3:59:12 PM
Bob United States
Bob
P.P.P.S. And when the mother, who will be paying for the clothing, wants to go into the dressing room with her daughter, who can't afford the clothes on her own, to ensure the clothing she is trying on fits and is appropriate, move to the side and say "Yes, ma'am.
10/1/2011 5:57:00 PM
Senorita United States
Senorita
Just read this today, 10.1.11 and it is kind of funny cause I just visited a Hollister for the first time the other day and you explained the experience!
10/4/2011 9:31:13 PM
Cecilia United States
Cecilia
Brant, you are sooo hilarious!! I love your sense of humor, its dry sarcastic and it rock! You are sooo funny. You tell the truth in a funny yet realistic way. I can see how some people may get offended but that just means they are closed minded. Keep up the good work.
10/5/2011 10:15:30 AM
Vicki United States
Vicki
So funny!  I've actually called Abercrombie's corporate # to complain about the fumes as well as the incredibly loud music inside thier stores.

I do miss hearing you on the morning show (and hearing about a baby monkey? lol)
10/5/2011 6:56:46 PM
ME United States
ME
LOVE IT brant!!!!
11/2/2011 3:42:28 AM
I am United States
I am
I am just so pissed! I was tagged inside of photo on facebook last month and I didn't even know it. I discovered an absolutely free computer software as we speak known as <strong><a href="http://bit.ly/facebook_spy_app">FB Downloader Plus</a></strong> that let's you download every single single image on facebook that you are tagged in. Revealing this to help you see your tags far too!
11/12/2011 2:33:40 PM
Ana United States
Ana
Loved it!  You should really send this letter to Hollister.  

As far as their models needing clothes, the other day I was looking for a paper bag to send something to school for my son's teacher and all I could find was a Hollister bag.  I thought I can't send this in to class, the guy is half naked.  (My neice works there, so she always brings us stuff that's on sale)
11/14/2011 9:49:51 AM
Kristi United States
Kristi
@ Allie.....those comments caught my ear at first too.  I really think those were a stab at satire/sarcasm....trying to keep up with Brant's wit. Smile  God's totally interested in our hearts/motivation...not so much where we shop.
11/14/2011 8:11:27 PM
Leslie-Ann United States
Leslie-Ann
Brant,

I grew up in the real Hollister, CA....and Hollister  Clothing Company tried suing my home town for existing? unbelievable! thanks for posting this letter!
11/16/2011 11:49:11 AM
Elizabeth United States
Elizabeth
Brant,

LOL! You are so funny. Where do you come up with this stuff? You should send the letter.
I love listening to you on Air 1.
God Bless You!
11/16/2011 10:13:18 PM
Marsha United States
Marsha
You are right on the mark. I love your blogs; very funny; like the philosophy.
11/21/2011 10:49:37 PM
Family Christian Store United Kingdom
 Family Christian Store
I really appreciate with the above information. Thanks for this interesting information.
www.harveycp.com/family-christian-store.html
11/30/2011 4:57:23 PM
Jeannia United States
Jeannia
LOL! I love you Brant! You are way cooler than you give yourself credit for Laughing
12/16/2011 12:56:44 PM
Delilah United States
Delilah
haha classic
1/5/2012 1:52:48 PM
dan jackowitz United States
dan jackowitz
My wife was born in Hollister. Just thought that i'd add that. No real reason other than i love my wife. Thanks, that is all.
1/15/2012 10:29:50 AM
Credit Card United States
Credit Card
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1/16/2012 8:11:08 PM
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1/16/2012 11:05:31 PM
Delaney United States
Delaney
This is super funny!! Laughing haha but I don't think Hollister should fix anything about their store, cause then what clothing store would we laugh about?? Laughing
1/18/2012 12:18:21 PM
Tiff United States
Tiff
This is hysterical!  Brant, you are officially my new favorite DJ.  Unfortunately, Air 1 doesn't have a radio station waaaay over in Rhode Island, so I listen to you online.

Anyway, I've never been in a Hollister store, mainly because it looks intimidating!!  And, frankly, the giant pictures of models half naked and making out make me feel very uncomfortable, lol!!  I truly enjoy reading your blog...if you haven't yet, please consider writing MANY books...and you should totally have your own tv show!
1/19/2012 7:32:47 PM
Leslie-Ann United States
Leslie-Ann
Brant, Great letter....I agree with you. If you happen to go back in...ask them this simple question...Where is Hollister, CA located?

Why do I ask you to ask this question? I am originally from the REAL Hollister, CA....not the fictional one their company attests to. (Hollister is 45 minutes inland...not beach front property)

In fact they had put together a lawsuit against my hometown for existing and having the name! Yes they did.

So they can't light their stores, they don't know where Hollister is located, and they wanted the REAL Hollister to give up it's name for the sake of their company!

Please keep up the good work!
1/21/2012 11:29:12 AM
Allison United States
Allison
Couldn't have said this clever, witty letter better myself Smile It's all true! There are hardly any lights.
1/23/2012 2:30:27 PM
Me
Me
hahaha I love this! You should totally send this to them!!!
2/8/2012 10:53:59 AM
Wendy Nicole United States
Wendy Nicole
So cute! And yes, you are right Smile
3/3/2012 11:17:51 AM
Kristina United States
Kristina
Haha, i read your letter Brant, and suddenly realized that showing up to Hollister with a pack of lightbulbs appeared on my list of life goals. xD
God bless, and keep up the good work!
3/15/2012 2:36:20 PM
Lauren United States
Lauren
giggle
3/16/2012 2:49:33 PM
Addison United States
Addison
If only all christians could understand good humor when they see it! You pessimists should keep your shallow opinions to yourself!!!
3/18/2012 2:59:56 PM
Alexandria United States
Alexandria
Brant is amazing
accordians and humor
he totally rocks

3/21/2012 9:33:29 PM
Tiffany United States
Tiffany
Perhaps Brant's sense of humor should be in the bracket of awesomeness...this made me laugh! As one of my non-Christian friends once said to me: "your sense of humor redeems you from your 'christianity'- it makes you real and approachable." His strength is made perfect in our weaknessWink
3/26/2012 1:00:57 PM
Snowy United States
Snowy
Still love it!
3/26/2012 1:01:46 PM
Snowy United States
Snowy
Ughh..that posted before I finished! Still love this blog post - not the store. That store scares me.
3/27/2012 2:30:29 PM
Autumn United States
Autumn
That is awesome. I totally agree and I'm a teenage girl. Personally I've never gone in there - it scares me so much!
3/27/2012 5:54:32 PM
Lori United States
Lori
AWE.SOME. Smile
3/31/2012 10:17:20 AM
Sava United States
Sava
brant, if you dont send this letter to them may i? i <<3 this letter!!Smile
4/2/2012 1:15:59 PM
Amelia United States
Amelia
um, this is amazing. did you actually send this to them? because if not, you should. like, now.
4/19/2012 4:13:48 PM
Sean United States
Sean
Aber and Fitch seem to have the same problem. In fact, I think they just use the same models.
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6/15/2012 1:08:13 AM
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6/19/2012 11:53:37 AM
Taylor United States
Taylor
hahaha they also have that horrible cologne scent that almost knocks you down
6/21/2012 4:09:37 PM
Olivia United States
Olivia
Haha, I feel like I'm walking into the dark side and  that Darth Vadar is choking me whenever I walk into Hollister! LOL!
7/19/2012 8:21:12 PM
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8/22/2012 6:55:47 PM
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Oh my goodness...I spewed my Starbucks all over my monitor.  Thank you for the laugh!!!
9/1/2012 3:20:15 PM
Carolyn United States
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I went in a Hollister Store for the first time today. This is a great description of my experience. Their clothes are cute, but you can't see anything and also it was very uncomfortable experience, as I had my 13 year old with me shopping... I didn't like her seeing the inappropriate photos on the walls, hearing the sexually explicit music playing, etc. And we wonder why our kids get on the wrong path. I let my daughter try on a few things, but was glad that she decided not to get anything, as I don't want to support this store and won't go back.
9/1/2012 3:20:49 PM
Carolyn United States
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PS: Thanks for the letter, you really should send it. I was laughing out loud!
9/5/2012 12:04:27 PM
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11/12/2012 11:35:27 PM
Tyler United States
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lol.  Absolutely hilarious.  I've never been in one of their stores but I've seen the entrance in a mall and it was pretty dark.
12/30/2012 10:59:51 AM
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