Dear Makers of P90X Extreme Exercise Regimen,
Thank you for your excellent "extreme" product. I have been trying it for five days now. You promised "extreme" changes to my body, and you've already delivered in startling ways. You promised I'd experience "muscle confusion", and, indeed, my muscles are very, very, confused.
I can't move.
Your advertising includes many testimonies: "I've lost thirty pounds and four inches off my waist," and "I've lost ten pounds of fat, and two inches," etc.
Well, I'm not sure about my weight loss, since I can no longer summon the energy to roll across the floor and onto a scale. Nor am I sure about losing any inches. I can't put my pants on.
I have, however, lost a lot: My ability to perform routine tasks. My hopes and dreams.
Control over my bladder.
My will to live.
Thank you, P90X people. Like you say on the videos, I'm just "pumped" to "bring it" every day and it delights me to no end to see your smiling, toned faces as I flicker in and out of consciousness lying on my living room floor. Thank you.