Nov 17 2013
When God Seems Far Away: A Young Wife and Mom Asks an Honest Question

Consider this possibility: God gives us certain "spiritual feelings" for a season, like a dad holding up his toddler… and then we learn to walk.

 

Hi Brant,

 

I grew up in the church, that's all I have really ever known. When i was 17 i gave my life to the Lord and the next few years were really a blessing, I grew in my relationship with him and started to see him in a way i had never before. Now, I'm 23, a wife and a mom and I love it, but the past three years have been hard on my relationship with God.

 

I have started to wonder about my faith. It's hard to see the point. I wonder why do I pray? I know that God is going to do what he will and me praying won't change it. People tell me pray to be close to God but i feel like im talking to the wall. I'm in a very empty place in my walk with God.

 

Sorry to bother you but i just thoght maybe you would have some advice for me. 

 

Thanks so much!

Lindsay

 

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Great question!

 

Lindsay, I almost always feel like I'm talking to the wall when I pray. I've gotten used to it. 

 

I don't prefer it. I wish I felt more. But this used to bother me a LOT when I was your age (In fact, I, too, was about 20 when I started asking people about this feeling that God has left the building.)

 

The bad news is, I'm still "there". Things haven't changed much, in terms of feelings. And I'm old, compared to you. It's been a long time.

 

The good news is: God is still there, too. 

 

I can't look back and say, "Yep, God left me when my feelings left," because of the way my life has unfolded. It's not likeHis blessings stopped. It's not like His protection stopped. It's not like He stopped using me.

 

So I keep praying, anyway. And, in a few occasions - not lots, but a few - I've seen immediate, hard-to-explain-otherwise answers to prayer. 

 

God doesn't come and go with our feelings. Truth is, you've gone through HUGE changes in your life, stressful ones, and you're a different person than you were as a teenager. Your focus is different, your daily goals are different, and, being amom, your body chemistry is even different.

 

Consider this possibility: God gives us certain "spiritual feelings" for a season, like a dad holding up his toddler… and then we learn to walk.

 

Why pray?  A few reasons:

 

Jesus prayed. And I'm told to do it. It's obedience. And, like other things I'm told to do, I need a childlike trust that it's best for me to do it.

 

Second: It changes me. Especially when I'm praying for others, it softens my heart toward them. It brings me in line with God's heart for people. 

 

Third: It becomes a refuge, a quiet place. You've likely noticed by now that the world makes no sense. It's bluster andnoise and signs and commercials and chatter and headlines and hype. But prayer, especially the kind where we put down the iPhone, gives us a break.

 

And the best reason: I'm convinced your presupposition that "God is going to do what He will and my prayer won't change it" isn't true.

 

Lindsay, you've embarked on a relationship, just like with your husband. And you're not relating to Siri. You're relating to a Person. There are examples of people in the Bible openly BARGAINING with God, like Abraham. Or wrestling with Him, like Jacob. 

 

Jesus tells us we can relate to God like a widow who was seeking justice from a judge. She just kept pestering him, until he gave her what she wanted. If God is a computer, all binary code and inevitability, prayer is way less interesting. 

 

But He's not.

 

Jesus tells us to ask the Father for what we need. It matters. And, it makes sense, too: God DOES have a desire for the right things to be done, but He allows us the freedom to do it, or not. Just like with feeding the hungry: He wants them fed, but allows us to play a role in it, and waits for us to at. Prayer may be very similar. Maybe things go wrong, sometimes, because we didn't ask. 

 

I think prayer is taking action.

 

I don't have all this figured out, but I'm confident on that last part. If God is our Father, and we are His adopted children, He is waiting to be asked. 

 

So I ask, feelings or no. Don't wait for the feelings to come back, because you'll miss out. Use prayer as a break from your daily life, and ask God for eyes to see meaning and beauty amidst the routines of motherhood.

 

And - I keep telling people this - relax. It's not only not about your feelings, or your performance, it's not about you, at all. We're in HIS story, and the weight of the world, and the weight of your "rightness" with God, needn't rest on your already-tired mommy shoulders. 

 

He's good that way.

 

Sep 18 2013
Radio Guy With Aspergers Asks Radio Guy With Aspergers Questions About Being Radio Guy With Aspergers

(Below is from email exchange this week.)
 

Hi Christopher!
 
First, let me say how honored I am that you took the time to write me. That's a very, very big deal to me.
 
Secondly: I'm going to answer your questions, but I'm going to be typing quickly. I apologize in advance for poor writing, or lack of clarity. I figure it's better to write sloppily than to not write at all, and I'm so absent-minded, I'm afraid if I don't write now, I'll kick myself later for forgetting to get back to you.
 
So here goes…
 
Subject: In Need of Advice and Encouragement
 

Dear Brant,

I am a huge fan of Air 1 and your work.  I find it extremely inspiring after reading your testimony of how successful you've become in broadcasting that whoever has obstacles can make it with God's grace.

I actually happen to be in broadcasting as a board operator and producer, not to mention having been living with Aspergers since I was an infant.  There have been times I had not been able to read other people's reaction very well as a result of anger, misinterpretation and uncontrolled emotions.

I've also been a Christian (or at least trying to be one) for the past eleven years of my life. It has not been easy as I go through a lot of trials to where I often question why I'm going through crap and why people don't want to hear from me.  I will say that Christ has saved my life from situations I would've gotten into if I wasn't saved.

I wanted to ask you:

1.  How does a person with Aspergers stay devoted to Christ, even in midst of trials?
 
Christopher, I don't know how "devoted to Christ" I actually am.
 
I honestly don't. And I see that you wrote you're "at least trying to be" a Christian. So I hesitate to simply answer the question, merely  because I don't want to give you the impression that I'm something you're not, or I've achieved a status you haven't.
 
This said, I think having Aspergers helps me love God. This is true for many reasons, but let me give you two: I'm EXTREMELY skeptical. And it's not a one-way skepticism that questions Christianity. I question the alternatives, and find them, quite honestly, wanting. I don't see anyone but Jesus accounting for the heart of man, the brokenness in my own self, and then actually doing something about it.
 
Secondly, we Aspies tend to root for the underdog. We value fairness, justice, and love seeing the vulnerable protected and the bubbles of the self-righteous big shots burst. And Jesus is the ultimate expression of this.
 
Jesus says if we've seen him, we've seen God. If God is like Jesus – and I believe He is – once again, that's sweet medicine for the heart of an Aspie.
 
Trials, to me, only make sense in light of Christ. We know we're going to suffer – that's a given – but rather than running away or "detaching" from suffering, it's apparent that God laments it, but embraces it.
 
2.  What would be a good tip to read scripture without distractions and forgetting?  I've had trouble following the Bible because I've not made time to read or I get distracted with life and pop culture that stops me from understanding and memorizing.
 
I haven't been good at memorizing, I'm afraid. Music sure helps – scripture, put to music, is a beautiful thing. I remember scripture from my childhood for this reason. I've been thinking about writing simple melodies and putting scriptures to them to help me.
 
More honesty: I've only recently begun to WANT to the read the Bible. For years, growing up, I really didn't see the over-arching narrative about Jesus. I lacked the Big Picture, though I thought I knew it. Instead, I saw it as a bunch of atomized verses useful for proving points or winning arguments are trying to take them out of context, put them in a row, and finally figure out how to fix my problems. I used to think it was like an Owner's Manual for a car, or something. (I think I thought this because someone told me, "The Bible is like an Owner's Manual for a car." Yeah. That might have done it.)
 
But it's not. It's way, way better. Owner's Manuals don't give people goosebumps. Stories do, and a Great Story is even better. Now, I see God at work, Jesus at work, Genesis through Revelation, and I get goosebumps.
 
I also finally realized – for some reason, it took decades – that we're no longer under law, for real. That Jesus fulfilled the Law on our behalf, and the temple veil was torn in two. This is not religion-as-usual. Once I finally was free of that, the idea that this book was here to make me do stuff better, I actually wanted to read it.  Once I realized that the true Word of God is Jesus himself, that this book was a signpost, pointing to Him, I wanted to read it. 
 
Such a great story.

3.  I've had bad situations involving my temper and attitude, even lashing out or taking dramatic actions involving not wanting to face the problems.  How should a person like me keep its reactions on check?
 
Remembering a few things has really helped me:
 
  1. Most of the time, it's not about me. If someone else is doing something stupid or rude or whatever, it's often completely about them. I don't need to take it personally. In fact, it's foolish if I do.
  2. I've got to quit being so down on myself. If GOD LOVES ME, but I'm constantly berating myself, it's apparent – just speaking logically, here – that I believe that what I think of me is more important than what He thinks.
  3. "This, too, shall pass". I can get enormously frustrated with myself. I always have. ENORMOUSLY frustrated. But, I think as I get older, I realize most things just aren't that important. Most things are actually pretty funny. Most things are pretty silly. Seriously. I can kinda take a step back, see myself getting ENORMOUSLY FRUSTRATED and realize how silly the frustration is. 
  4. I've traveled a lot, as an adult. I mean, a LOT – all over the world – to some of the most difficult places on the planet, in terms of poverty and human suffering, and man, has THAT put my own frustrations in perspective.
  5. If someone has wronged me, I get to forgive that person. I don't think I'm wronged, truly wronged, very often, really. And Jesus tells us we are forgiven as we forgive. I think there's something to remembering that "This is my chance to forgive." I joke about this, on the air, but there's really truth to it: I now view traffic as "forgiveness practice."

4.  How does a person with Aspergers controls anything involving emotions, tears, stress and anxiety issues?  I've gone through those and they've sucked a lot of life out of me.
 
You can read more on the blog here about one way I've dealt with this: A low dose of fluoxetine. I've heard this can help Asperger's.
 
I do NOT recommend this for anyone else. But I have to be honest, in full disclosure, and tell you that it's helped me with the constant self-incrimination that's led me to quit jobs, for instance. As the blog explains, it's a struggle for me to question, "Why isn't Jesus enough…? Or maybe he is, but…?"
 
Please read the blog. Beyond that, I'm kind of more hyper-logical, Mr. Spock-like in my emotions, by nature, so I don't know much.
 
Stress is often about perceived threats. I highly recommend praying for wisdom, daily, for perspective. So often – almost always – there are no threats, really, only what we perceive as possible, could-happen-tomorrow threats. The animal world doesn't work that way, hence (as biologists have written) zebras don't get hypertension…
 
5.  How does one deal with changes especially, last minute ones?
 
I don't like them. I don't have a good answer for this. They throw me. I often get a flash of anger, now that I think about it. Thanks for asking this question. I have never thought about this before. Hmmm…
 
6.  How does one deal with the past, especially negative moments?
 
This is a lousy answer, but I tend to forget about them. Especially if it's from childhood. I just… can't go there. I just can't. Don't want to be there.
 
Not helpful, huh?
 
A friend of mine said something wise. He said, "You know, we make a HUGE deal out of our childhood, but, honestly, it's a relatively short time, a relatively long time ago."
 
I didn't like it when he said that... but he's right.
 
I don't want to diminish the importance of our "formative years", but I like to think the rest of my life has been formative, too. I'm constantly being formed. I'm still living with my Father, right?
 
I used to roil with regret, but that was, and is, immaturity. God is so consistent about taking our mess-ups, even our sins, and making something beautiful out of them. I've seen that enough that I now believe that to be His M.O. One glance at the genealogy of Jesus is enough to prove it.

7.  If I don't want to be influenced by the media, which I had been all my life, what should I do to keep myself from letting images and people take over my life, especially negative ones?
 
This will sound simplistic, but seriously: Stop looking at them. 
 
Sometimes, we just have to hear someone say the obvious, I've found, so maybe I can play that role: Stop watching certain TV, or movies, or whatever it is that's the root of this. This is usually not THAT hard, honestly, for adults who have things to do, or books to read, or people to talk to, or whatever.
 
Change your entertainment, change your thinking. Few will say it, but in an entertainment-worshiping culture, it should be obvious.
 
Another wise friend (who admitted his struggle with pornography, by the way) pointed out that for a lot of people, the struggle really starts with watching stuff that's not even rated R, but finding things through the day that are moderately arousing, and letting them simmer. He found that controlling his mind at that point was vital for him, well before watching things that are blatantly pornographic. 
 
Pornography is a mammoth issue, as you know, and has so much to do with who we are, and what we're REALLY looking for. For a great discussion of that, and a message of hope, and how we can "reboot" our brains, I can't recommend the book Surfing for God enough. 
 
I'm dealing with these questions too rapidly. So sorry. Again, figured it's better to write sloppily than not write…
 
8.  How do you handle people giving you crap or hurting your feelings, especially if you take it the wrong way?  Also, how do you deal with difficult people who belittle, dictate, correct or even point out things that are tough to handle?
 
See above answers about frustration and forgiveness. Pray for wisdom.

9.  How do you learn new skills in broadcasting and how do you stay motivated to learn even if proven challenging?
 
I'm motivated to learn because of two things:
  1. I'm on a huge stage, and 
  2. I have no idea what I'm doing.
True, though, if the stage were smaller, every person listening would still be priceless. If it were ten people listening, I'd likely do the exact same show. Plus, the second thing on the list up there would still be true. I don't know what I'm doing.

10.  What are the fun aspects of working in radio, especially Christian?
 
I love being able to talk about the Kingdom of God. It's what people are YEARNING for. They don't even know it, most of the time. They can't put their finger on it. But they are dying for it.
 
I can probably do this on mainstream radio, too, but this is where I am, now, and it's fun working alongside people who are brothers and sisters, and who also believe in the ultimate goodness of God.
 
I'm just trying to get better at showing people - not just telling, but showing - that goodness of God. I want people to see the Kingdom, through their ears, through the radio: Joy, restoration, healing, even the simplicity of childlikeness, and the simplicity of freedom. And I've learned, if I'm focused on me, it just doesn't work very well. And if I think I *do* know what I'm doing, it doesn't work very well, either. 
 
So what's fun about it? At the end of some shows, when I feel like I blew it, I read a wonderful email, like yours and I think:
 
"What a mess. But look what God did with it."
 

Jan 25 2013
Email: Why Do I Feel Far Away from God?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Brant,

So I have been feeling really far away from God reasently. I've tried praying and reading my Bible but nothing is changing. Do you have any advise? 

Thanks,

Maddie

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Hey Maddie!

A couple thoughts about this:

I have felt like this before.  MANY times, and sometimes... for years.  

I've thought, "Maybe I'm sinning so much, and maybe that's the problem." And I had people even questioning whether I was really a Christian at all.  But I don’t think that was it.  I was honestly calling out to God for forgiveness, honestly calling out to him for some kind of sign, or reassurance that he was the there – all that.  

And you know what?  I'm a stronger believer now. 

Turns out, the "feelings" element of our relationship is a wonderful thing, but FAITH is not founded on that. If we're dependent on it, we begin to mistake feelings for reality.  We are called to actually TRUST God. 

You can hear the words "trust God" or "trust Jesus", and they start to lose their meaning after awhile.  But now, now that you have no warm, God-is-here feelings, you really DO have to trust him, and what he has promised you.  "I am with you, always," Jesus said.

Always.  He's with you, whether you feel it or not.

I even think, now, that the loss of that God-is-close feeling helped me understand him more, and my faith is more mature.  

Some of my "heroes", the people I admire for their faith, have gone through the same thing, sometimes for decades.

This is not a reason to despair.  It IS a reason to re-think what a relationship with God might look like.  Remember, God blesses us in many ways, not just feelings.  And – this is REALLY important – God wants us to want him for HIMSELF, not for the stuff he gives us.  

As a father, I "get" this.  I want my kids to love ME, their loving dad, and not just for the fact that I give them stuff like, say, food, a phone, college, or even warm, protected feelings.  I want them to love me not for what they get, but because they freely can love someone besides themselves.

And THAT, of course, is real love.  If they love ME, I'm thrilled. In our relationship with God, valuing his GIFTS higher than God, himself, is actually idolatry.  He's a jealous lover. And he's good. He knows the "stuff", even feelings, aren't, ultimately, what we need.  What we need is him.

So be honest with him, call out to him, even be open about your anger or frustration. But TRUST him, and know that he may be taking you to a place you haven't been before.

One last thing. Someone gave me a brief example on this:  If I'm in a large room with you, and I'm yelling our conversation, you can hear me just fine.  But if I whisper, just barely whisper, you can only hear me…

...if you come closer.

I think there's something to that.  And I think there's something maturing about just KNOWING God is good, being reminded by other believers that he is good, and serving people, even without the feelings. 

Okay, one REALLY last thing.  I mean it this time, since I have a meeting to go to:  Our feelings are just plain untrustworthy, anyway.  

They're dependent on so many things that have NOTHING to do with the subject of our feelings.  Like, am I sleeping enough?  Have I eaten well today? Am I hydrated? Have I had too much (or not enough!) coffee?  Am I exercising? What's happening to me, physically, right now? Am I tired? Have other things happened that have been really stressful, like a break-up, or a move, or a death in the family, or even something good, but big and stress-inducing, like a recent trip?  Many reasons to be suspicious of our feelings.

So many factors. Everything changes.  

He does not.

God bless you, Maddie!

Best,

Brant