Oct 02 2011
Um, Maybe We Shouldn't Make Christian Video Games

Yeah, uh... I don't think so.

I know they're a burgeoning art form, but I really don't think we want many more "Christian video games".  This new game, here, is supposed to have heavy theological themes, but a) I don't understand them, and b) any profound truths are going to be completely eclipsed,, theologically-speaking, by the main guy's pants.  

...and his blouse-thing.  (I would, however, buy a spin-off game:  Ultimate Answer Quest IV:  What's Up With That One Guy's Shirt?)

Anyway, it brings to mind the only "Christian video game" I've ever owned.  I'm not sure why they sent it to me.  But I played "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" long enough, back in the day, to answer these FAQ's, and hope we maybe, you know, don't ever try this again:

FAQ's:  Left Behind:  Eternal Forces

Does Left Behind:  Eternal Forces let you kill people?

Yes.  But only in self-defense.

With a tank?


But you're protecting others, so it's morally good, then.

No, it costs you Spirituality Points.  It's still bad.  But sometimes, you have to kill bad guys, but it's still morally bad, but you should do it sometimes, but it's morally bad, but sometimes you just have to, you know?  But it's bad.

How can you tell who the bad guys are?

They cuss.

No, seriously.

No, seriously.

What do you mean?

Each character has special traits and abilities.  The Christians all have "Pray" under their special ability section.  Like, there's a woman who's the Worship Leader, and her special abilities are "Pray, Crowd Worship"  When you equip her with "music" and "public speaking" training, she gets the ability to "positively rivet the audience nearby."

Awesome.  But she doesn't cuss.

No.  Bad guys have "Swearing" as their special abilities.  All of them.  For example, non-Christian musicians get special abilties "Swear, Sing" or "Swear, Play", or -- for the Level 3 Rock Star -- "Swear, Perform Concert"  And she wears a scanty blouse-thing, which should tip you off that she's fixin' to swear.

ALL the bad guys have "swear" as their special ability?

Yes.  It's pretty realistic of the end-times, when cussing will increase ten-fold.  The Gangster bad guy has "Swear, Rumble", the soldier has "Swear, Explosive Bullets" and thief, curiously, has "Swear, Pickpocket, Poison", which is an awesome name for the next Shaun Groves CD, in my opinion.

Swear, Pickpocket, Poison?

Swear, Pickpocket, Poison.

Is there a David Crowder Band song in this game?

Yes.  For me, this is causing some cognitive dissonance.  I don't know how to account for this.  I do kinda wish he, himself, were in the game, and he could drive the tank maybe. That'd be cool with his hair sticking out and stuff.

Back to the good guys/bad guys.  You mentioned they have to be trained or something, to get their special abilities?

Yes.  The good guy Christians get trained at, primarily, something called The Mission Training Center.  Also Churches, Cathedrals.  Christian Level 1 Soldiers get skills like "Pray, Explosive Bullets".

So they're trained at Mission Training Centers.  Where are the bad guys trained?

All the evil people are trained at...you guessed it..."college".

Can the good people marry the bad people?

No, because all the good people are already married.

All the characters are married?

No, the good people are married.  All the bad people are single.

You made all this up.

I made nothing up.